


Aid to Navigation

by Ppleater



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Corruption scars, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Hybrid biology, I went ham with the fact that gems are solar powered robots, I'm writing this because I wanted some good ol' physical h/c to go with the emotional h/c, Lion loves and appreciates Steven at all times, Medical Procedures, Post-Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, Pre-Episode: s06e20 The Future, Sickfic, Steven's identity issues have identity issues, fusion with a twist, mild body horror, turns out transforming into a giant monster has negative side effects woops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:55:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 75,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24379834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ppleater/pseuds/Ppleater
Summary: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Corruption does not come without consequence.“I…” He lifted his head to look at her, his expression haunted. “I can’t see out of my left eye…”-Steven's transformation has some unintended, and potentially fatal, side effects.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe, Crystal Gems & Steven Universe, Greg Universe & Steven Universe, Jasper & Steven Universe, Pink Steven Universe & Steven Universe, Priyanka Maheswaran & Steven Universe, Steven Universe & Everyone, Steven Universe & White Diamond
Comments: 342
Kudos: 970





	1. Extinguished

**Author's Note:**

> An aid to navigation is any device external to a vessel specifically intended to assist navigators in determining their position or safe course, or to warn them of dangers or obstructions.
> 
> What happens when the lighthouse burns out?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extinguished: A lighted aid to navigation which fails to provide light.

He was tired.

No, that wasn’t quite right. Saying it in such simple terms didn’t feel like it was enough to describe how utterly drained he was in that moment. The fatigue he felt was a physical weight, pushing down on every inch of his body as if gravity itself was acting against him. His bout of crying had used up what little energy he’d had left, and now that he’d finally quieted to just the occasional hiccup all he could bring himself to do was bury his face further into Lion’s mane. He could hear everyone muttering to each other, discussing what they should do, but focusing on what they were saying took too much effort, so he sat there and willed the world to leave him alone for a little while longer.

But that was easier said than done. He was raw. Exposed. Even the cool ocean breeze left a line of fire across his face, and the salty air was like glass against his swollen eyes and nose. The inside of his head had been scraped empty, hollowed out by his own desperately grasping claws, and a dull ache throbbed in his chest with each breath. He’d dug his hands into Lion’s fur, which was why he was still mostly upright instead of limp on the ground, but his fingers were completely numb.

Someone rested a hand on his shoulder. They were gentle, but despite the layer of blanket shielding him it still burned as they put pressure on his oversensitive skin. He imagined that this must be how cattle felt when they were branded. The hand gave a small squeeze, and whoever it belonged to was apparently trying to speak to him, though their voice sounded like it was being filtered through cotton balls.

His neck muscles protested angrily when he tried to lift his head up, so he only managed to uncover a single bleary eye. He had to squint against the painful sunlight as he peered at the crowd surrounding him. The details of the speaker’s face were blurry, but he was still able to recognize the familiar silhouette of his dad.

Greg’s mouth curved into a soft smile. “Hey bud, are you finally with us?” He reached with his other hand to brush a loose hair from his son’s forehead.

Steven couldn’t muster up the energy to speak, so he gave a weak nod.

“That’s good.” Greg spoke slowly and kept his movements gradual, deliberate, like he was interacting with a frightened animal rather than a teenager. “We need to get you back to the house so we can dry you off and get you something to wear. Do you think you can walk? Or do you want someone to carry you?”

Steven would have preferred to walk, but unfortunately that option was unlikely to pan out, since he couldn’t feel his legs. “I can’t move…” He managed to grit out. God he really was pitiful.

“That’s alright Schtu-ball. You just rest and let us take care of things for now, how does that sound?”

He nodded again mutely, too tired to do anything else. More conversation started up in the background, but he just let it wash over him without listening or joining in. He doubted he could so much as look at the Diamonds right now, let alone speak with them directly.

It wasn’t long before a decision must have been made, because the voices died down and Lion started to shift against him. His dad’s touch left his shoulder, but it was replaced by a pair of hands that carefully gripped his arms and steadied him.

He could feel the smooth facets of Garnet’s gems through the fabric. “I’m going to pick you up and put you on Lion.” She told him. There wasn’t much he could do to stop her, so he didn’t protest as he was pulled away from his fuzzy refuge. She shifted her hold to beneath his armpits and lifted him effortlessly.

He was sure she’d tried to be as slow and gentle as possible, but she couldn’t prevent the intense wave of vertigo that hit him as soon as he was moved. He was quickly settled onto a warm, broad back, and he caught a glimpse of pink shoulder blades through watering eyes. Seconds later Garnet had climbed on behind him, arms circling him to keep him in place. She murmured words of comfort that swam around between his ears as he tried to catch his breath.

Someone else grabbed his wrist. “Don’t worry Steven, we’ll be right behind you.” Their voice was too tinny to figure out who they were, or maybe somebody had stuck a pair of tin cans over his ears. He was afraid to look up and check in case it made his dizziness worse.

“No portals.” Garnet instructed from behind him. Lion chuffed in agreement, and then the only warning he had was the bunching of chorded muscles beneath them before they were leaping through the air. Taking a portal back to the house wouldn’t have been any more pleasant, and it probably would have been overwhelming with all the light and noise, but he still hated how every bone in his body rattled when they landed on the surface of the ocean. All he could do was lean helplessly into Garnet as they sped over the water. He didn’t have enough strength to hold his head up against the rushing wind, but one of her arms lifted from his waist to press a palm to his forehead, cradling him against her chest. He let his eyelids fall closed once more as he got lost in the rhythmic movement of Lion running across the waves.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

He stayed aware enough to notice when they made it to land, if only just, but when Garnet slid him off of Lion’s back and scooped him into her arms things started to blur together. He saw flashes of sky, a battered stone face looming high above, broken glass in torn frames, and a familiar wooden ceiling that had somehow remained mostly in-tact. Thinking about what had caused the destruction, _who_ had caused it, was painful.

He was placed down on a soft surface, probably the couch since they weren’t in his bedroom. He was facing away from the giant hole he’d made in the wall, and he wasn’t sure if he felt guilty about that, or relieved. Maybe a bit of both.

Once he was settled Garnet strode off without a word, her footsteps fading as she disappeared from his view. When a minute ticked slowly by and she still hadn’t come back, he found himself gripped by the sudden and painful realization that he was alone. He clawed weakly at the blanket wrapped around him, attempting to sit up, but after a few minutes spent gasping and fighting gravity he was forced to fall limply back onto the cushions. Fresh tears stung his eyes.

There was no reason to freak out just because Garnet had left for a little while. He didn’t understand why his hands were clammy and shaking, or why it had gotten so hard to breath past the lump in his throat. It’s not like this was his first time being on his own, not even close. He’d done just fine as a kid. He remembered spending hours, sometimes even days, sitting and waiting by himself for the gems to return or for his dad to drop by. Eventually someone, anyone, would come and spend time with him. He just had to be patient. The gems were doing important work after all, and saving the world took priority. It would be selfish of him to keep them away from their duties just because he was lonely. Things had changed since then anyway. He’d stopped being left behind once he proved himself useful. It was in the past. He should be fine.

He wasn’t.

He laid there and sobbed pathetically. He didn’t want to be alone.

Exhaustion inevitably crept across his limbs, settling over his eyelids like a cat on a windowsill. He wasn’t ready to fall asleep yet, not before Garnet got back, but maybe he could close his eyes for a brief moment? Just long enough to let them rest…

He blinked.

\---

Something thick and warm had been draped over his body. Garnet sat beside him and ran her fingers through his hair as she told him something he couldn’t quite hear, her voice low and soothing. She might have been singing.

He wanted to say something, maybe ask her not to leave again or apologize for freaking out, but he couldn’t bring himself to interrupt the song. It sounded like a lullaby. 

He blinked.

\---

When he opened his eyes again Garnet was gone.

At least he wasn’t alone this time, since he could hear voices coming from the kitchen. Pearl’s was the loudest, as polite as it was strident, but he could also make out Amethyst and Peridot cutting in occasionally. The buzzing tone of the Diamonds swelled in response from somewhere outside. They went back and forth, rising and falling, like rolling surf on the beach.

He was no longer naked beneath the blankets. He’d been dressed at some point in loose pants and a buttoned nightshirt, though he hadn’t been granted the privilege of underwear. When had that happened, and how had he not noticed?

Someone was holding his hand, stroking his knuckles. He couldn’t see who it was with how his body was positioned, so he tried to turn his head.

He blinked.

\---

More voices greeted him as he woke. Had he been sleeping? It sounded like his dad and Connie were having some sort of argument. That couldn’t be right, but he didn’t know what else would explain the hushed exchange that was taking place somewhere he couldn’t see. He spotted Amethyst sitting by his feet with her back against the couch, tapping absently on one of his old Gameboys.

The conflict grew louder. The light from outside had darkened considerably, signaling the approach of dusk, but there was enough left to cast agitated shadows across the floor. He tried to figure out what the two humans were fighting about, but no matter how much he strained his ears he couldn’t seem to focus enough to hear them properly. He must have made a noise because amethyst turned to face him with a startled look. “Hey man, you’re awake! How’re you feeling?”

The other two had gone quiet when Amethyst spoke, but he knew they couldn’t have settled whatever was going on between them so quickly. He hated the thought of people he cared about arguing with each other. His vision spun as he struggled to raise his head, sit up, anything. Amethyst’s expression grew alarmed and she moved to push him back down, but he was determined to get vertical. He opened his mouth to say something and-

He blinked.

\---

“… Yes, I know. I told them that, but they think it’s too dangerous… Yes… He’s been in and out of consciousness, and he has a bit of a fever. It might be exhaustion but… I dunno, something’s off… Ok, I’ll tell them. Thanks mom. See you soon.”

Connie’s thumb was rough with calluses but feather light as it brushed over the back of his hand. She lowered her phone to her lap with a sigh. His grip tightened instinctively, and she looked at him, her expression softening. Wasn’t there something he’d meant to tell her?

She was smiling at him for some reason he couldn’t fathom, and between one breath and the next she was leaning over him, nearly eclipsing his entire field of vision.

She smelled like sweat and sea salt. He was having trouble thinking straight. What was he supposed to tell her again?

Her body shifted closer, bracketing him with her arms, and he felt her lips press against the top of his head.

He felt it, but he couldn’t see it because he…

He blinked.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Priyanka had always prided herself in being a reasonable parent. Sure, she’d made her share of mistakes in the past, but she’d been more than willing to listen and improve after Connie had opened up to her all those years ago. She knew logically she shouldn’t have given permission for Connie to continue training, after all, any parent worth their salt should prioritize their child’s safety over anything else. But she’d realized back then that Connie would be involving herself with Steven’s magical lifestyle whether her mother approved or not. Priyanka had given permission not because she thought it was a good idea, or because she wasn’t worried about the danger, but rather because her daughter was going to be running into that danger no matter what she did. The only thing she could do was encourage honesty. It was better if Connie felt like she could go to her parents when something went wrong, or if she needed anything. Forbidding her from doing something she wanted that badly would only result in her keeping it secret, and the last thing they wanted was for her to keep things from them when she needed help.

So, Priyanka had allowed it, but in exchange she’d insisted on some compromise. Regular medical check-ups were mandatory to keep an eye out for any injuries, and seeing a therapist was also a must. Therapy had been something they’d utilized when they’d first started moving around regularly, knowing that the instability would have negative effects on a child Connie’s age. She hadn’t needed it for long after arriving to Beach City, and in hindsight Steven’s influence in that area seemed apparent, but if she was going to be engaging in battle then continuing therapy was necessary. Connie had agreed easily, willing to do anything to ease her mother’s anxiety over what she was getting involved with. She’d also agreed to be more open and honest with what she was doing, and she had mostly stuck to that promise to Priyanka’s relief.

After Steven’s checkup a week ago there’d been a brief moment of worry over hidden problems and secrecy, but once everything was over Connie had told her about the proposal. The red-faced explanation certainly cleared up some confusion over what had gone down in the examination room. Recent experience indeed. Connie had jumped to Steven’s defense, explaining that he’d been having a hard time lately and wasn’t acting like himself, but Priyanka hadn’t felt any anger over the young boy’s actions. She’d learned long ago that he was a very impulsive and emotional person, and she’d seen with her own eyes that he was carrying a heavy burden on his shoulders. In all honesty she wasn’t opposed to the idea of him and Connie getting married, when they were older of course.

Yes, she considered herself a reasonable parent. Maybe it came from being a doctor, or maybe part of it was Doug’s influence balancing out her more stringent upbringing. Or maybe it was because she had a daughter like Connie, who was willing to challenge anything she saw as unjust or unfair. Whatever it was, Priyanka was currently having that reasonability challenged as she saw the carnage spread across the beach in front of her car.

An hour ago, her daughter had called and told her that something had happened to Steven.

“He was hysterical when we tried to confront him.” Connie had explained. “He’d been swelling up all day. At least, I think that’s what it was. He was taller than Garnet, and glowing pink. He started ranting about how he was a fraud and a monster, then he… He changed. He turned into something huge and- and covered in scales. He didn’t look like Steven anymore. I don’t think he knew what was happening. It took us a while to calm him down and get him to change back but… Mom he doesn’t look good.”

Priyanka had listened calmly over the phone as Connie described some of his symptoms. After asking a few follow-up questions she’d calmly told Connie that she would head over, hung up, then calmly grabbed her keys and started her car. She’d calmly drove all the way to Beach City, passing through streets filled with worried faces, and now she was calmly coming to a stop in front of Steven’s house. Her hands were clenched tightly to keep them from shaking, and she was gritting her teeth as she stepped out of the car, but she was calm. She had to be calm, because after what had just happened to Steven the last thing he needed right now was for her to come storming in with all the furious wrath of a mother with a medical degree.

Off in the distance an enormous ship was sitting in the sand. Three imposing figures stood next to it, watching her with detached curiosity. She’d only seen the Diamonds once, when they’d come to deal with the corrupted gems after peace had been established, and they’d certainly been intimidating back then. Now, however, they were a far cry from the imposing dictators they’d once been, with the way they were huddled together like scolded children. She had to stifle a snort. The amusement faded swiftly when she turned to the house and spotted Greg at the top of the stairs. By the time she made her way up to him she’d catalogued his appearance thoroughly, noting the dark circles under his eyes and the way his messy hair hung limply around his head. He looked like shit, to put it bluntly.

“Where is he?” She asked, tucking her medical bag under her arm. She was probably being a bit too curt with him, but she’d see if she felt like being more empathetic after finding out how Steven was doing.

He didn’t seem to hold it against her as he invited her inside, passing through the massive hole in the front wall. “He’s on the couch. We would have put him in his room but, well, his windows are broken at the moment. Since we wanted to be able to watch him anyway, we figured the couch would be good for now. Bismuth is going to work on a temporary fix for the door when she gets back, so he won’t be exposed to the elements for too long.” It wasn’t ideal, but the weather was warm during this time of year, so there wouldn’t be any immediate danger at least.

She was brought to where Steven was sleeping, his small form bundled up in a comforter and weighed down by the large head of a familiar pink lion. Connie was sitting with her back against the creature’s furry bulk, but she stood to greet her mother with a hug. The gems watched her entrance from the kitchen with worried frowns.

Priyanka could feel the stress and exhaustion in her daughter’s body, but at the moment there was a patient who needed her more, so she gave Connie one last squeeze before pulling back and turning to assess the boy on the couch. Lion gave a reluctant grumble but allowed himself to be ordered out of the way.

To say Steven looked awful was an understatement. He looked like he was just a few steps away from being a corpse, with pale skin, sunken eyes, and a furrowed brow even in sleep. She rested a hand on his forehead, feeling the same fever that Connie had described on the phone, then moved it to his shoulder and shook him gently. “Steven, I need you to wake up for me, if you can.” Examining him would be incredibly difficult otherwise.

He didn’t react at first, but after some more prodding he groaned and tossed his head, his eyes flickering open to squint at her in the low light of the living room. The light fixture that usually hung from the ceiling was nowhere to be seen. It had probably been destroyed at some point during Steven’s transformation, but luckily someone had provided a standing lamp next to the couch. She gave Steven a moment to adjust before she reached over and flicked it on. He hissed, raising an arm to cover his face, but she kept her grip on his shoulder to prevent him from turning away. “That’s it.” She said softly when he finally lowered his arm. “How are you feeling?”

He blinked at her in confusion. “Um, Dr. Maheswaran? What are you…?" His gaze wobbled around the room for a moment then skittered back to her. “Did, did something happen? Did I…?” He struggled to push himself into a sitting position. She let him. He would need to sit up eventually anyways.

She did try to ease his fears though. “I’m just here to check you over and make sure you’re okay after what happened to you. I need to perform a physical exam, like the one in the hospital, is that alright? We never got to finish properly last time.”

“Oh… Okay.” He nodded, staring blankly down at his knees as if unsure how they got so close while he wasn’t looking. “S- sorry about that…”

Her intention hadn’t been to guilt him by mentioning their past appointment, but if it convinced him to agree to an examination then she wasn’t going to complain. She placed her medical bag on the floor next to her and brought out some of her tools, setting them on a nearby shelf within easy reach, then helped Steven take his shirt off when his fingers proved too unsteady to unbutton it himself.

She’d been prepared to see some concerning stuff, but she still froze as she caught sight of his back.

From mid-neck to just above his tailbone was a ragged line of six scars, spaced equally apart and coloured a dark purple. She slid a hand down his spine, locating the C4, T1, T5, T9, L1, and L5 vertebrae under each mark, and as she searched the rest of the body she continued to spot more. The middle scars corresponding to the C4, T1, and T5 vertebrae were accompanied by an extra set of three on either side, where she’d missed them at first due to them being smaller and lighter than the central ones. There was a pair of twin marks on each of his arms, situated at the end of both elbows, as well as halfway down the medial side of both ulnas. Two more sat behind each of his eyes over the temporal bones, hidden along his hairline. And the final one, the smallest and palest, peeked out from the top of his forehead, nearly obscured by his curls.

During her administrations Steven had stiffened, twitching whenever she located a new scar. Once she was done, he twisted and tried to feel his back with his own fingers, stopping abruptly with a wince. She gently guided his hand to the back of his elbow so he could touch the mark there, and he rubbed it with a distant look in his eyes. Apparently, he hadn’t known about his new spots until now.

Priyanka glanced at Greg, who had moved to sit at the kitchen table with the gems. None of them seemed surprised. Anxious, but not surprised. She doubted that Steven had spent the day in his pajamas, or that any of his clothes could have survived him growing an extra hundred feet, which meant his guardians had probably seen the marks while dressing him. The wounds on his back were particularly vivid and impossible to miss.

Greg noticed her questioning look. “He, uh, he had these spikes down his back.” He gestured awkwardly at his own spine. “When he was, you know…” He cleared his throat and gestured to Pearl, who sat in the stool next to his. “Pearl mentioned that they might be like corruption scars?”

The gem fidgeted as the doctor’s attention moved to her, wringing her hands in her lap. “That’s just an educated guess of course. No one has ever corrupted like that before. We don’t even know if it really was corruption, though I can’t think of what else may have caused it.”

Priyanka considered that for a moment. “What exactly happened when he transformed?” There was an uncomfortable silence as the gems initiated a staring contest with the floor. Greg opened and shut his mouth like a stranded carp.

Connie stepped in to put them out of their misery. “He was bent over on his knees, holding his head, and shaking. Then some sort of mass of spikes exploded from his back. Part of it formed the tail, and that was when his body started growing.” She grabbed a handful of papers from one of the shelves. “We didn’t take any pictures, since we were a bit preoccupied, but Peridot drew what she could remember.”

Priyanka took the pictures and studied them. They were professionally done, with a front, back, and side view, and everything was efficiently labelled. The profile view displayed the dorsal spikes that she assumed had caused the worst of the scarring, and a close up shot of the head showed a wicked set of tusks, which had her planning to check his teeth and gums when she could get around to it. It was difficult to judge the size without a reference, but it still gave her a pretty good idea of what the transformation had looked like. She returned her gaze to Steven, who had curled in on himself with his arms hugged close to his body. He looked so young.

She touched his shoulder gently. “Alright, time to continue the examination.” He obeyed her directions in silence, avoiding her gaze as she continued to check him over. She let him keep his pants on this time. They weren’t in a proper medical environment, not with a gaping hole where the front door used to be, and she doubted he had any more scarring on his lower extremities based on the diagram. She’d take a closer look if she noticed anything concerning, but for now she didn’t want to stress him out further than she had to. She examined his head and neck for any swelling or irregularities, and after finding none she grabbed her ophthalmoscope out of her bag, directing him to turn his face towards her so she could check his vision.

His right eye appeared to be normal; the pupils were the right shape, reacting properly, and there was no swelling, discolouration, or other issues. When she moved to check the left eye, however, it was immediately apparent that something was wrong. The inner structures looked fine, as healthy as the ones on the right, but despite being exposed to concentrated light the left pupil remained unfocused and dilated. It was completely unresponsive.

She barely resisted the instinct to jump when Steven’s hand snapped up to grab her wrist, holding it in place as he stared directly into the scope. After a tense moment he reached over, fingers shaking, and covered his right eye. Whatever he saw caused him to pale dramatically, which was an impressive feat considering his already cadaverous complexion.

“No, that can’t-!” he released her and clutched his stomach, clawing at his gem. “This can’t be happening! I still have it! It’s still there, it wasn’t-!” He blinked furiously, trying to clear his vision as his panic mounted.

She restrained him before he could hurt himself. It didn’t take much effort, which made it strikingly apparent how much weaker he was than usual. “Steven, I need you to calm down and tell me what’s wrong.” She instructed, keeping her voice level. “I can’t help if I don’t know what the problem is.”

His struggling stopped, the energy draining out of him once he realized he couldn’t fight her. Despite the fever still warming his skin she could feel him shivering. As a doctor she was used to seeing people suffer from things they didn’t deserve, and yet it seemed truly unfair to her that anyone would have to go through something like this, let alone Steven.

But for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Corruption does not come without consequence.

“I…” He lifted his head to look at her, his expression haunted. “I can’t see out of my left eye…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EYY my first Steven Universe fic and it's about Steven suffering oops
> 
> Edit: Cynthi made some beautiful fanart for this chapter!: https://cynthi-universe.tumblr.com/post/626997942583230464/this-story-stresses-me-out-but-i-love-it
> 
> Check out her stuff and her comics, especially if you love Steven h/c! 
> 
> Art by me! If you'd like, you can check out more of my stuff here: http://infriga.tumblr.com/tagged/fanart
> 
> Comments are greatly loved and appreciated! I read every single one, usually multiple times haha. If I don't reply it's usually because I'm shy and I don't know what to say, but I'm grateful for every single one!


	2. Tender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tender: A ship that tends to lighthouses.

Steven’s anxiety only seemed to be gaining intensity, and he continued to pry at the grip that was holding his hands in place. “It’s like my gem is- but it isn’t! It _can’t_ be, it’s right here!”

Priyanka had no idea what he was saying, but Connie let out a gasp and clambered to kneel next to them. “Steven, do you mean like when…” Her gaze darted to her mother, then back to him. She lowered her voice. “… Like when we were in White’s head?”

He pulled his legs up further as if to shield his stomach, only to straighten them again as he tried to tug his hands out of Priyanka’s grasp. When she maintained her grip, unwilling to let him dig at his own skin, he gave up with a groan of frustration. “It feels like it’s gone…” he curled in on himself miserably. “But it can’t be gone! I need it!”

Priyanka could get the gist of what was being said. “Your gem is still there Steven, I promise. You haven’t lost it.”

“… Really?” His shoulders relaxed slightly, some relief bleeding into his posture, and once she was sure he wouldn’t disembowel himself in an attempt to check his gem she released him.

“Really. Whatever’s going on with you must be caused by something else, and I promise I will do my best to figure out what that is.” She gave her daughter a stern look. “Though I would like an explanation for how he knows what losing his gem feels like in the first place, and why you don’t want his family to know.”

Connie shrunk from the reproach. “It’s… A long Story. Steven didn’t want to tell them, and I don’t want to go against his wishes.”

“I didn’t want them to get into another fight with the Diamonds…” Steven added morosely.

Priyanka pinched the bridge of her nose. It was a difficult situation; she was obligated to respect Steven’s choice to withhold information from his guardians, unless it became life threatening, but in a case like this she would have preferred to be able to keep things open and honest. She could tell that the others were worried about Steven’s sudden distress, but the relevant parts of the discussion had been kept quiet. There was little chance of the gems or Greg having overheard them. If Steven didn’t want them to know, then she would avoid letting them know unless she felt it was important.

She sighed. “For now, I just need you to explain any symptoms you exhibited back then in case your current state is related in some way.”

Steven fiddled with the drawstring of his pants. “I uh, I couldn’t walk. I was really tired and- and sore, and I couldn’t see out of my left eye back then either…” He paused. “Well, I couldn’t see out of it at first, but I could see out of my other left eye when my gem reformed.”

“Your other left eye?” She blinked. “Wait, your gem _reformed?_ ”

“Yeah.” He kept his gaze on his knee, where Connie had placed one of her hands in a gesture of comfort. “It reformed as me.”

She looked to Connie for some sort of explanation, but her daughter just shrugged, looking perturbed. “There were two Stevens, his gem half and… His human half, I guess. I don’t know how it works exactly. That was the first time it had ever happened.”

“I was in two places at the same time.” He held up both his index fingers and slowly drew them away from each other as an illustration. His expression had gone distant. “In one place I was blind in my left eye, and in the other place I was blind in my right eye. It felt… Really bad.” He hunched his shoulders, his hands falling back to his lap. “Like I was dying.”

Priyanka studied him, filing the information away as she took a moment to think. That can of worms could be opened later. “Are you able to walk now?”

He shook his head, touching his gem again gently as if reminding himself that it was still there.

Well, that was as good a place to start as any. She grabbed her stethoscope and held it up to him. “Do you mind if I check it?”

Despite the wary look he gave the instrument, the same look he’d given it in the hospital the last time she’d asked him that, he nodded and moved his hands out of her way.

She slid the eartips into her ears, and after a brief moment spent warming the chestpiece in her palm she pressed it to his chest, checking his heart first. His heartbeat was slightly irregular, which was also concerning, but not immediately threatening. Finding nothing else out of the ordinary, aside from the arrythmia, she moved the chestpiece to the center facet of his gem. When she’d checked it at the hospital the week prior it had given off a loud ethereal hum, like a cosmic white noise machine.

Now, it was dark, and completely silent.

Listening to the other surrounding facets yielded the same result, as did testing the surrounding skin. She sat back with pursed lips. “That’s odd.” She muttered, remembering too late that most patients didn’t enjoy hearing those words coming from their doctor.

“What? What’s wrong with it?” His hands went back to cover it again, though thankfully he didn’t start clawing at it this time.

“I’m not sure yet.” She replied, supressing a wince. “How much do you know about gem physiology?”

His response was a blank stare. “Gems don’t have physiology.”

“Right.” She straightened, tucking the stethoscope away. “I’d like to discuss something with your parents.” After giving him a comforting pat in the arm she approached the kitchen, where their audience appeared to be holding their breath.

Amethyst was the first to speak up. “Well, what’s wrong with him? He hasn’t looked this bad since that one time he accidentally drank some of my motor oil.”

“He did _what!?_ ” Pearl squawked. Next to her Greg pressed a hand to his forehead, looking stressed.

“Relax.” The purple gem waved a dismissive hand. “We called poison control and they said he’d be fine as long as he didn’t “asserate it”, whatever that means.”

Priyanka was feeling more and more sorry for Steven with each passing minute. “Aspirate. It means to breath it in.”

“Yeah, that.”

Garnet cut in. “That’s not important. We need to figure out what’s wrong with him now.”

At the reminder, all eyes turned back to Priyanka. This should be fun. “Do you know what might cause a gem to go silent?” She asked. Greg seemed perplexed at the question, but the gems exchanged looks of consideration.

Pearl tapped her chin with a finger, her brow wrinkling as she thought. “Even shattered or poofed gems make noise, and corrupted gems are even louder than regular ones. Maybe if they became inert? But I’ve never seen that happen before so I’m not sure.”

“Inert?”

“It happens when a gem runs out of power and is unable to recharge” She explained, her voice taking on the air of a teacher. “If their power supply falls under a functional level they retreat into their gems and go inert until they can access a power source. Usually retreating to our gem involves preparation for reforming, but if we go inert then we have to shut down all systems completely in order to save energy.”

Priyanka tilted her head, cataloguing this new information. “What kind of power source are you referring to?”

“Stars. Or the sun in our case.” Pearl gestured above her head with a flourish. “Gems get their power through solar energy. I believe you humans have similar technology, though nowhere near as advanced as ours of course. Since there are regular day cycles on both Homeworld and Earth, it’s almost impossible for a gem to run out of power. We can go a long time without light if we have to without needing to go inert. It’s more of a failsafe than anything else.” She faltered, her educational tone fading as she remembered why they were discussing the topic in the first place. “Is that what you think might have happened to him?”

Amethyst scoffed. “He was literally just out in the sun. There’s no way he ran out of juice after a few hours on the couch.” She glanced at Priyanka. “Right?”

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”

“Can that even happen to Steven?” Greg interrupted with wide eyes. “He can’t poof like full gems can.”

Priyanka shrugged. “By all accounts his diamond was originally a fully functioning gem with all the same physiology. The problem is figuring out how his biological body interacts with it now that it’s a part of him.” She placed her hands on her hips and blew out a breath. She’d been wanting to learn more about gems, but she was way out of her element here. The way Pearl explained things sounded like she was talking about an electronic device, not a person. All Priyanka had to go on was her own medical knowledge of humans. She might as well be guessing when it came to the gem side of things, even if it was an educated guess.

But she had to try. “Okay, here’s what I know so far. Steven told me he’s lost vision in one of his eyes. That’s the most concerning symptom at the moment. Since I haven’t seen any evidence of a blood clot or a change in eye pressure, and I doubt he has any diseases that might have caused it, my first thought was that he’d sustained a traumatic head injury.” She held up a hand when she saw several mouths open to interject. “But as far as I can tell that’s not the case. His other symptoms include fatigue, arrythmia, pale skin, and difficulty walking, which can occur with anemia, and as you’ve probably guessed his gem has gone silent. He hasn’t experienced any blood loss, and I’m hesitant to assume that it’s a simple iron deficiency if it’s affecting his gem like this, so I’m wondering if he’s suffering from some sort of gem related deficiency. I’ve already considered the possibility of there being a gem version of cortisol, so it seems like something worth considering. If his gem has gone inert, then the lack of output means it might not be providing something his body requires.”

The gems looked unsettled at the idea, and Greg had put his head in his hands, with his elbows resting on his knees.

Amethyst folded her arms in frustration, kicking her legs over the edge of the counter she was sitting on. “But how could he go inert all of a sudden? He spent most of the week outside in the woods, there’s no way he ran out of power already.”

“A missing power source isn’t the only thing that can cause a gem to go inert.” Garnet said after a moment of contemplation. “How long it takes to use up reserves can also be a factor.” It was hard to read her expression with her visor on, but the tilt of her lips implied that she’d come to an unhappy conclusion. “If a gem were to overexert themselves and use their power at an exhaustive rate it could drain them faster than their energy can be replenished.”

Amethyst’s mouth dropped open as realization dawned on her.

Pearl didn’t seem to catch the implications of what Garnet was saying quite as easily. “But they’d have to use a ridiculous amount of power in such a small period of time. I’ve never come close to using even half of my reserves during the worst of the war, how on earth would anyone manage to do something like that?”

“Duh!” Amethyst shouted, throwing her hands in the air. “Maybe by turning into a giant lizard and fighting against the Diamonds, the crystal gems, the cluster, and the freaking ocean?”

There was a stunned silence as Pearl processed that info, then she reeled back and ran a hand over her face, looking shaken. “I didn’t even consider…”

“That’s only one possible hypothesis.” Priyanka interjected, not wanting them to get ahead of themselves. “We can only determine whether that’s the case by further examining him and figuring out if there’s any possible way to monitor his gem’s status.”

“Peridot might have something that can help.” Amethyst offered. “She’s all about that tech monitoring stuff.”

Priyanka nodded in thanks. “Then I’ll have to speak with her when I get a chance. But before we make any further decisions, I want to let you know that I still think we should take Steven to the hospital.”

There were immediate protests from the gems, but the one that caught her attention was Greg. He jerked his head up and scowled in frustration. “Nuh uh. I already told Connie that we can’t do that. I know you’re a doctor and that’s what you think people are supposed to do, and I know I haven’t been as on top of Steven’s health growing up as I should have been, but it’s not an option right now.” He stood from his chair and paced to the other end of the table. “You didn’t see him Priyanka. He, he was-” He grimaced and grabbed at his hair. “If it happens again, we would be putting everyone in the hospital in danger. We were lucky that it happened on the beach instead of in town, and it took everything we had to keep him there!”

She frowned “You think it could happen again?”

“I don’t know!” He exclaimed. “I don’t know anything about what’s going on with him anymore!”

“Then that’s all the more reason why he should be hospitalized and under observation! What if this is something like a gem version of acute organ failure? At the very least we should-”

She was interrupted by a clattering sound behind her, and they all turned to look at Steven, who was trying to stand up despite Connie’s worried attempts at keeping him seated. He’d knocked over the medical bag with one of his feet. “Did, did you say hospital?” He gasped, swaying in place.

Their argument had gotten a bit louder than intended it seemed. “Steven…”

“Don’t take me to the hospital, please!” He gripped Connie’s shoulder like a drowning man.

Priyanka approached him slowly, her hands up in a placating gesture. “Steven, you’re very ill. There’s only so much I can do without access to more advanced medical equipment, and I’m worried about whether you’re experiencing anything internally that I can’t detect.”

He shook his head aggressively, then stopped and clutched it with a startled sound of pain. “I- I can’t! It’s too dangerous!”

“You’re blind in one eye, that’s a very serious symptom!”

“I’d rather be blind than hurt anyone else!” She hadn’t heard of anyone being injured besides him, but the stricken expression on his face said it all.

Was there another patient she should have been treating? “Who did you hurt?” She asked instinctively.

Before she could react, he shoved Connie away and stumbled to his feet, crashing to his knees when he was unable to take more than a few steps in an aborted attempt to run. His fingers dug into the sides of his head and he shook, whispering “No, no, no, no, not again!”

A wave of pressure pulsed through the room as every hair on her body stood on end. His skin flashed neon pink for a brief second, flickering like an old bar sign, and he let out a low growl that rattled her teeth in their sockets.

She was reminded of a time, years ago, when Connie had been a precocious and curious little girl, dragging a kitchen chair over to the wall so she could hold the light switch at the halfway point and watch the light crackle and blink. When she was caught and scolded for causing a potential fire hazard she just shrugged and said, “I wanted to see what would happen.”

Priyanka did NOT want to see what would happen to Steven.

There were shouts of fear and worry from the gems, but she ignored them and continued to approach, stopping a few feet away and lowering into a crouch. She looked for Connie, who was leaning against the bathroom door with wide eyes, and they shared a quick look. Her daughter nodded, trusting her to know what to do, and she returned her focus to the boy cowering on the floor.

“You’re okay Steven.” She told him softly. He shuddered and curled further in on himself, lungs heaving as he struggled to maintain control over his body. “If you don’t want to go to the hospital then I won’t force you.”

The air around him was sizzling, and with each flicker of light there was a snap of static discharge. He whimpered, trying to shuffle away from her with little success. His teeth appeared to be sharper, as well as his fingernails, which drew angry lines through his scalp as he tugged on his hair. “Get… Get away from me!” he grunted, then once again he whispered to himself. _“I’m not a monster, I’m not a monster, I’m not a monster!”_

This wasn’t how his previous transformation had been described, and the flickering seemed new. It looked incredibly painful. “That’s right, you’re not a monster. You’re safe, in your house, with your family and friends. You aren’t going to hurt anyone, and no one is going to hurt you. So, I need you to breath as slowly and as deeply as you can manage. In, and out. In for seven, out for eleven.” She repeated the last part again, keeping a slow and steady rhythm.

He didn’t respond at first, just clenched his jaw and kept his eyes squeezed shut, but after a few more repetitions he attempted to follow along, managing a few wheezing breaths. Eventually they slowed as he found the right rhythm. As she watched, his nails gradually receded, and his teeth blunted. Then, after a good 15 minutes of laboured breathing his skin stopped its agitated strobing, returning to its original pallor. He was still the colour of someone who’d been dead for several hours, but for now she would take what she could get.

She gave him a few more moments to settle. When the air no longer felt like the surface of a balloon that had been rubbed on the carpet, she felt it was safe to finally stop her mantra. “How are you feeling?” She asked quietly. She could see Connie slinking closer in her peripheral vision.

He let out a groan and slumped forward, holding himself up unsteadily on his hands and knees. “I think I’m gonna be sick…”

She was about to ask someone to grab a bucket or something, since Steven didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of making it to the toilet in his current state, but she’d barely opened her mouth when she was distracted by a tap on her shoulder.

Garnet stood behind her, holding out a small garbage bin. Right, future vision.

Acting on reflex, she grabbed the bin and shoved it under Steven’s nose. He proceeded to use it with gusto. Connie knelt beside him, rubbing his back soothingly.

The room descended into silence, punctuated by the occasional sound of discomfort from the boy on the floor.

“So…” Greg said, his voice rough.

Priyanka considered standing, but she didn’t think she could make it to her feet without wobbling like a VHS edition of Bambi, so she decided to keep her dignity and flopped down into a sitting position instead. “Well. Apparently, he _can_ relapse.” She conceded. She felt like she’d suddenly aged an extra ten years, no wonder Greg was losing his hair. “Okay, no hospital. I’ll continue to treat him here, as best I can.” But if at any time she felt like his life was in danger she would possibly try sedating him. He might agree to going if he wouldn’t be conscious enough to transform again. But such an extreme option would have to be a last resort, and there was a chance it wouldn’t even work on someone like him, so she kept the thought to herself for now.

Steven had finished his quality time with the garbage can, and he was leaning heavily against Connie, who was petting his hair gently. He somehow looked worse than before. Quite the achiever that boy was. There was a trickle of blood creeping down his temple from where he’d cut himself with his claws, and his eyes had the kind of bags that cross country backpackers would be jealous of. The lack of healing wasn’t a good sign.

Priyanka got her feet back underneath her and stood, relieved when she didn’t keel over. “Let’s get him back to the couch.”

With Connie and Greg’s help, together they were able to move him off the floor and return him to his previous spot on the sofa, where he was propped up and wrapped once again in his comforter. He sat there looking like the world’s saddest burrito.

“We tried using some of the water from Rose’s fountain on him you know.” Pearl murmured after they’d finished fussing over him. Her eyes followed the trail of blood down his face. “We even used some of the diamond essences, but nothing worked.”

Priyanka nodded. “That was smart, but if this is caused by him running out of power, then technically his gem would be functioning how it’s supposed to. In that case it would make sense that regular healing methods don’t work, since there’s nothing to heal.”

“But what about his body? He’s so weak…”

She offered the pale gem a sympathetic look. “You can only do so much to ease symptoms without treating the cause. If someone loses a vital organ, then healing them each time they get sick will only end with them getting sick again.”

“Then what do we do?” Amethyst asked, looking lost.

There was a soft rumble and the padding of paws on a wooden floor. Priyanka had forgotten that Lion was there. Where had he’d been hiding during all the chaos? The pink beast made a beeline for Steven and rested its giant head in his lap, making low “owh” sounds at him like a cooing mother. He sniffed and buried his head in its fur.

Priyanka put a hand on Amethyst’s shoulder. “For now, we’ll do our best to keep him comfortable, and I’ll see if there’s anything I can do to help, even if it’s just to ease his symptoms. If the problem really is a lack of power, then we may simply have to wait it out and deal with complications in the meantime until he recharges. If that isn’t the problem, then we’ll figure out what is.”

“Right.” The purple gem wiped at her eyes, putting on a determined expression. “I’ll get him some ice cream.”

“… I don’t think he’ll be up for eating junk food quite yet.” She gave a pointed look to the trash can.

“Oh, right.”

“Maybe you could get him a glass of water? I still need to speak with Peridot about checking his gem, but for now I think he could use a rest. It’s best if we avoid setting off another transformation by stressing him out too much.” There was no telling what effect it would have if his diamond was out of commission while he was changing. If his gem was still attempting to react to perceived danger, despite being drained, then that was probably due to it being a defense mechanism. But the strain it seemed to place on his body was alarming. She didn’t want to put that to the test.

That thought was tucked into the back of her brain. Speculating wouldn’t help, and she needed a breather. She turned to her daughter, who was watching Steven with a gentle look in her eye. “Connie, can I speak with you for a moment outside?”

Connie startled, then nodded. “Yes ma’am.”

After checking on Steven one last time, they left him with the gems and made their way out onto the deck together. Priyanka took a moment to breath as she leaned on an unbroken portion of the railing.

She wasn’t sure what time it was, but the stars had come out, lending just enough light to see the waves by. Apparently tonight was a new moon. The Diamond ship’s silhouette was still where she’d last seen it, a hulking void in the darkness, and she wondered why the Diamonds hadn’t left yet. They were probably still worried about Steven.

Connie settled in beside her, leaning into her warmth. “What did you want to talk about?”

She curled an arm around her daughter’s shoulders, pulling her closer, and sighed. “I thought you promised to be honest about everything that happened with you.”

“I… I was, technically.” Connie’s head lowered, contradicting her words with her guilty posture.

“Then how come I never heard about that happened in “White’s head?””

“That… That was something that happened to Steven, not me…” She shuffled her shoes against the wooden planks.

Priyanka tsked and pulled her in for a hug. “When something bad happens to someone we care about it hurts us too. You didn’t have to go into specifics, but you could have mentioned something. It sounds like it was serious.”

“It was.” The reply was muffled by her shirt as Connie returned the embrace, burrowing into her chest. “I’m sorry. I did mention it to my therapist, sort of.”

“Sort of?”

“I changed the names and locations to protect the identity of the victim.”

Priyanka snorted. “What, like a crime documentary?”

“It felt like a good idea at the time.”

She rocked them back and forth, feeling guilty at how grateful she was that Connie had been born a regular human being. “I forgive you. But if something like that ever happens again, I want you to tell me. Even if you have to change the name and identities. I don’t want to be in the dark about what you’re going through, that was the deal, remember?”

“You’ll know I’m talking about Steven anyways.” Connie grumbled, but she pulled away and nodded. “Okay, but at least let me ask Steven if he’s okay with it first. If he says no, then I’ll tell you that something happened to him, but he doesn’t want me to tell anyone.”

Priyanka gave her an exasperated look. Since when had her daughter adopted a ‘snitches get stitches’ philosophy? “Fine.” She leaned back and studied Connie’s face in the low light. “How are you feeling? You can go home if this is getting to be too much. I know seeing stuff like that can be hard, and Steven wouldn’t blame you.”

“No way!” Connie wrapped her arms around herself, shaking her head. “I wouldn’t be able to stand being at home, constantly wondering whether he’s okay or not. I feel better being able to see him.” She glanced back at the house. “I want to help him for once, like he always helps everyone else.”

Priyanka raised an eyebrow. “I was under the impression that you helped him all the time, hunting monsters and fighting enemy gems and all that.”

“That’s different. We always did that stuff together, as a team. Steven is always there for people when they can’t be there for themselves. He deserves that too.”

Motherly pride swelled in her chest as she pulled her daughter in for another hug. “I understand. Just don’t run yourself ragged like he did, okay?”

Connie nodded against her collarbone. “He would kill me if I did.” She fell silent for a moment, then whispered. “He screamed the first time he changed. It was horrible.”

Priyanka could only imagine. “I know. I’m sorry you both had to go through that.”

They stood like that for a moment, enjoying the reprieve and riding down off the adrenaline wave they’d been subjected to just a few minutes earlier.

Then there was a flash of light from the house, and they reluctantly pulled apart to look inside. They could see Bismuth standing on the warp pad between Peridot and Lapis, all three clutching armfuls of various materials.

The large gem had what looked like 500 pounds of lumber slung over both shoulders. She looked around and whistled as she stepped off of the warp. “Still as bad as I remembered. We managed to finish organizing the clean-up for Little Homeworld, so I figured we could head back and start fixin’ the place up a bit.” She stopped when she spotted Steven, taking in his battered appearance. The water from Amethyst hadn’t helped his complexion much. “What’d I miss?”

Greg and the gems shared a look with the two Maheswarans.

“You’d better sit down.” Pearl said, placing a hand on Bismuth’s arm and guiding her to the kitchen. Peridot and Lapis followed behind them. “We have a lot to talk about.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized after writing this chapter that this was the second time I've written about a character frantically refusing to go to the hospital, but I swear it was entirely by coincidence.
> 
> Rebecca said the gems are solar powered robots and I am taking that and running with it.
> 
> Art by me! If you'd like, you can check out more of my stuff here: http://infriga.tumblr.com/tagged/fanart
> 
> Comments are greatly loved and appreciated! I read every single one, usually multiple times haha. If I don't reply it's usually because I'm shy and I don't know what to say, but I'm grateful for every single one!


	3. Emergency Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emergency Light: A light of reduced intensity that is displayed when the main light is extinguished.

Something that Greg had learned over the years was that dealing with the gems was like herding cats. Sure, it’s technically possible to get them to go where you want them, but that takes a lot of time, effort, patience, and more often than not band-aids. Lots of band-aids.

It’s something he’s only recently come to appreciate on a personal level. He’d spent so long avoiding anything he considered to be “gem stuff” after Rose’s death, and even before then he couldn’t exactly say that he’d been involved in the more alien aspects of her life. For Steven’s sake he was willing to learn some basics like “don’t keep him in a dark room for several months” or “summoning ethereal weapons from the fabric of the universe is normal”, but when it came to actively working or living with the gems Greg was happy to let his son take the reins while he sat back and watched from a distance. It wasn’t his place after all, he was just a regular old human. That was Steven’s heritage, not his.

Hindsight was a bitch sometimes.

Recently he’d decided to involve himself more in that aspect of Steven’s life, since he was finding out a lot of things that he wished he’d known about earlier. Like how Steven could transform into a gigantic monster, or how he was solar powered. Or how he’d broken most of his bones repeatedly since the age of 12.

Or how he had apparently become a full-time professional cat herder.

“Look, I’m just saying, it doesn’t hurt to try.”

Greg rubbed his temples, repressing a sigh. “For the last time Amethyst, I’m NOT going to use jumper cables on my son.”

“Why not?” The purple gem put a hand on her hip and gave him a frustrated look, which he didn’t think was very called for. “If the problem is that he’s out of power then maybe jump starting him will help. That’s what Pearl did that one time with your van, right Pearl?”

Pearl actually looked thoughtful for a moment, before turning to Garnet.

Garnet shook her head. “Bad idea.”

He wasn’t sure how Steven dealt with it. Greg had made a lot of progress with the gems in recent years, he was even on good terms with Pearl now, but getting along with them and hanging out occasionally hadn’t prepared him for dealing with a gem related crisis being dumped on him so suddenly. He’d had enough of a taste back when the ocean had been stolen to know just how soft and squishy a human like him was in the face of their god-like powers, and he hadn’t wanted any part of it. But ever since the injector had landed in their back yard a few months ago he’d gotten an up close and personal look at what “gem stuff” truly involved at its worst. He’d nearly lost an arm for it.

And some part of him had never quite wrapped his head around the fact that his own son had those god-like powers too, not until he’d been slapped in the face with it. At this rate he’d be completely bald before he made it to 50. If he made it to 50. A stress induced heart attack was looking more and more likely these days. At least when he’d been taken to the Zoo he’d only had to deal with turning down an orgy. Well, that plus a pierced ear and a funky dress code. It was almost like being 25 again.

The rest of the night had only been moderately restful since the near relapse. Steven remained on the couch, partially because moving him around might put too much stress on his body at the moment, and partially because they’d all silently agreed that they felt better keeping him out in the open where they could monitor him. From there it hadn’t been long before he’d fallen into a deep, exhausted sleep. Priyanka and Connie had agreed to stay in his room with some sleeping bags, since Priyanka wanted to be close by in case of an emergency, and Greg went out to his van to at least try getting some rest of his own.

He’d instead spent the next few hours tossing and turning while his brain looped through the events of the day in vivid colour. Even when he managed to get to sleep it didn’t last long. He would wake sporadically between hectic, muddled dreams of Steven locked in a flaming tower, calling for help while Greg tried desperately to run to him through endless waves of sand. He never managed to get there fast enough, and the dreams always ended with an enormous pillar of flames, painting the sky red and roaring with his son’s voice as the tide came in and swallowed everything completely. After a while he gave up on sleeping and spent some time tuning his guitar, plucking out the notes to “Dear Old Dad” to the sound of the ocean.

Bismuth had spent the night starting repairs on the front wall, and she was surprisingly quiet about it. What little noise she did make went mostly un-noticed, since Steven was dead to the world, and Greg was just glad that he wasn’t the only one still up. After what felt like an eternity the sun had finally started to rise, so he’d abandoned his guitar to head back inside and check on Steven. The gems had already been out and about, and Greg had soon been sucked into a discussion about possible ways to recharge inert gems. A discussion which had quickly dissolved into Amethyst making crazier and crazier suggestions while the other two made thoughtful noises and Greg wondered how Steven had managed to deal with situations like this for so long without going crazy.

Steven himself appeared to be unbothered by their conversation about whether it would be a good idea to electrocute him or not. He’d woken up still exhausted but slightly less grey, and he was currently using Lion as a large and unwieldy pillow while Peridot hooked him up to what used to be a microwave. Priyanka stood beside them and watched the process with interest. The green gem was chattering about something, her hands weaving elaborate patterns as she spoke, but Steven looked like he was only getting half of what she was saying. He was just too tired and spaced out to focus on the rapid-fire words. Luckily, Peridot didn’t seem to mind.

Greg wanted so badly to go over to them, to do something to help, even just to get some contact with his son and provide some comfort after everything that had happened. But every time he thought about actually going over there his legs turned to lead, and his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. Part of him was afraid. Not of Steven, but of that wide field of the unknown that he’d avoided until now, a no-man’s land stretching out between the two of them. How much had he missed, or ignored, that could have warned him about what was going on? It was irrational, but he couldn’t get rid of the fear of doing something wrong. He worried that even touching Steven would break him, and this time they wouldn’t be able to put the pieces back together.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. It had been doing that a lot during the last day and-a-half. He suspected the gems’ phones had been active as well, though they hadn’t said anything about it. He needed a distraction, so he pulled it out, noting with a wince that it was the mayor’s number. Right, the town was probably wondering what was going on.

He took a steadying breath and answered. “Hey mayor Nanefua, how’s it hanging?” He asked, cringing as soon as the words came out of his mouth. He probably should have dialed it back a bit.

“Greg.” He could hear her reproachful tone even through the speaker. “You know I respect you and Steven very much, but there’s a limit to how much chaos I am willing to turn a blind eye to. I don’t enjoy being left in the dark.”

“Sorry, things have just been a bit… Hectic.”

She hummed. “And has everything been dealt with?”

He glanced at Steven, who was obediently lifting an arm so Peridot could place some sort of node underneath his armpit. The new scars stood out starkly against pale skin.

Greg cleared his throat. “Um, well, we’re working on it… Things are just a bit complicated right now.”

“I see. Since it sounds like something that can’t be explained over the phone, I’d like to speak with Steven in person about what’s going on. Would he like me to come to the beach house, or can he meet me at town hall? I would ask him myself, but he is not answering his phone.” The unspoken concern over Steven’s silence was clear.

Greg wondered briefly where Steven’s phone was. It might have been lost, flung somewhere out onto the beach. Or maybe it had just been left upstairs on silent? He brushed that thought aside for the time being. The last thing they needed was a visit from the mayor right now. “No, no, you don’t have to come over. Uh, Steven’s unavailable at the moment, but I can drop by and tell you what’s going on, if that’s alright.” He rubbed a sweaty palm on his shorts and tried not to start pacing at the thought of having to figure out a way to explain everything.

“… Of course, thank you. I’ll be waiting in my office. Tell Steven I said hello, and that I hope he’s doing well.”

“Will do. See ya soon.” They said their goodbyes and hung up.

The crystal gems had stopped talking to listen to his call, their postures tense. He could only shrug in response to their questioning stares. It might have been better to send one of them to see the mayor, since they had a better idea of what was going on, but he’d already blurted out the offer to go himself. It was better for the gems to stick close to Steven until stuff settled down anyways. They were gems, and this was a gem issue, so they would be more useful here than Greg was. He wasn’t needed for anything, but he could at least deal with the human side of things and give them all one less problem to worry about.

He pocketed his phone. “Guess I’m going into town for a bit. Can you guys hold down the fort?” The gems nodded, though the anxiety hadn’t left their faces. They were probably just as worried about what to say to the townsfolk as he was.

Dr. Maheswaran perked up. “Before you go Greg, there’s something I wanted to ask you about. Mind if I follow you to your van?”

“Sure, no problem.”

They had to blink at the morning sunlight as they stepped out through the new doorframe, letting their eyes adjust from the darkened interior of the house. The air was filled with the calls of birds, which circled the head of the diamond ship where it sat on the shore, silent and motionless.

Greg eyed it warily. The Diamonds had agreed, with great reluctance, to give them space while they dealt with Steven, but who knew how long that reprieve would last. He still didn’t know how to feel about their open concern. They’d tried to kill Steven in the past, had nearly destroyed the earth, and of course who could forget the kidnapping incidents, but Steven’s influence had worked wonders on them, and they clearly felt guilty about their role in his current state. Greg wasn’t going to complain about them growing to care so much about his son, but he couldn’t help but be bitter at the price paid to achieve that growth. For now, he was content to let them wait on the sidelines. He assumed Spinel had joined them as well, since he hadn’t seen the bouncy gem anywhere.

Priyanka escorted him as he made his way down to the beach. “I meant to bring this up last week during the hospital visit, but it slipped my mind after things got chaotic.” She said, her tone business-like. “I’ve already mentioned that I’m willing to act as Steven’s GP, since he’s a special case and I can manage one extra patient, but I shouldn’t be the only professional he sees. I think you should consider finding Steven a therapist.”

He stumbled, stopping a few feet from his van. Maybe he should have taken Lion instead. “I… Can’t say I haven’t thought about it.” He admitted. It was a hard pill to swallow, the idea that his son’s mental health had gotten so bad without him knowing, but he couldn’t deny that some form of treatment was necessary.

She studied him, but apparently didn’t see what she was looking for. “Well?” She prompted.

“It’s up to Steven whether he wants to seek treatment or not.” He shuffled his feet, finding it hard to look her in the eyes. Though he could see the way she folded her arms in his peripheral vision.

“Is it?” There was disapproval in her voice, and he hunched his shoulders instinctively in response. “You and I both know that if you told him to go to a therapist then he would do it, even if he didn’t want to.”

He finally mustered up the courage to meet her gaze. “I don’t want to force him to do something if he doesn’t want to do it. That’s his decision to make, not mine.”

“You’re his father, and his ability to make rational decisions about his mental health has clearly been compromised.” She gestured around at the lingering carnage along the beach. There was a swimming pool sized footprint a few yards from where they stood. “He’s still a minor, and if you think it’s best for him then it _is_ your decision whether to tell him to go as his parent, instead of hoping he decides to go on his own.”

“That’s not-” He let out a huff of frustration. “That’s not the kind of parent I am, okay? I know you do things differently with Connie, and I respect that, but that’s not how I do things.” He wasn’t about to tell her that he’d only developed that respect once the Maheswarans had loosened up a bit, but he couldn’t help thinking it. He still remembered the way Connie used to talk about foods she wasn’t allowed to eat, or shows she wasn’t allowed to watch. It had been uncomfortably familiar, so he’d been relieved when the pressure from her parents has eased one day, and they’d gradually shifted from critical to supportive over time.

She frowned. “This isn’t about being any ‘kind’ of parent, this is about what Steven needs.”

And that was the crux of it, wasn’t it? His instinctive response was ‘Steven doesn’t need his dad bossing him around right now’, but from where he stood he had a perfect view of the crater left in the side of the cliff, where Steven had bashed his head into it. The statue of Obsidian 1.0 was missing her right shoulder, and part of her face had cracked and fallen away. Greg clearly didn’t know what Steven needed, this whole catastrophe had made that pretty obvious to him, so who was he to act like he knew better?

He slumped, feeling the effects of his restless night in more ways than one. “I… I get that. I do. I just don’t want to push him too hard. But maybe a push is what he needs right now? I just don’t know anymore. I keep wondering what I did wrong, or how I could have helped him. All the signs were there, but I didn’t want to see it...”

More than once Steven’s voice had echoed in his head throughout the night between each nightmare, a memory of a warning he’d failed to recognise. _‘My problem isn’t that I’m a gem, my problem is I’m a Universe!’_

Priyanka’s expression softened, and she sighed. “Look, I’m not trying to tell you how to raise your own son. If you can convince Steven to go of his own volition then that would obviously be ideal, I won’t deny that. Ultimately, I’m just giving you my opinion as a doctor and a mother. But you know Steven better than I do. I’m ashamed to admit that for a while I wasn’t all that fond of him, considering his alien origin and his unconventional lifestyle, but over the years I’ve come to realize that he’s a good kid, better than most.” She stepped forward and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “You’re a good father Greg, whether you feel that way right now or not. Even if you’ve made mistakes, I know you’re willing to make up for them and do better. That’s what any child needs more than anything.” She smiled ruefully. "I’ve made my own share of mistakes raising Connie. Trust me, I’ve been there.”

He blinked back the dampness that had welled in his eyes and chuckled. “Well for what it’s worth, I think the result speaks for itself. Connie really…” he swallowed. “She’s really great. I can never thank her enough for what she’s done for Steven. And I want to thank you too, for helping him, even if the gems and I aren’t the easiest people to work with.”

“Please.” She scoffed. “You’re not even in the top 100 list of the worst patients I’ve ever had.”

They shared a laugh, the tension easing.

“There’s one more thing I wanted to ask you, before you go.” She continued, sobering. “Steven mentioned last night that he didn’t want to ‘hurt anyone else’, but Connie told me no one was injured during the fight. Was there an earlier incident that I’m unaware of?”

He rubbed the top of his head, heart sinking. “Ah, I’m not sure how much he wants me to say about it, but you don’t have to worry about them. He mentioned that he managed to uh, ‘fix’ them. And I saw them myself briefly so as far as I can tell they’re fine now.”

“But they weren’t fine before? I’m assuming from the way you describe them that they’re a gem.”

“I mean, I wasn’t there when it happened, it was just one of the things he confessed to when he broke down.” He bit his lip, then decided that Steven had been candid enough with the event that it was probably okay to elaborate. She looked like she was going to press the matter anyways, her doctor instincts colouring her expression. “He um, he shattered someone.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh dear. I’ve had shattering explained to me before, but I was unaware that it was treatable.”

“Yeah it was news to me too to be honest.”

She turned a thoughtful gaze back to the house. They could see Bismuth working on one of the window frames. “That explains his extreme reaction.”

He nodded, and they stood for a moment in somber silence, taking in what was left of the temple. But he couldn’t put off his visit into town any longer, so he pulled out his keys. “Well, I don’t want to keep the mayor waiting.”

“I’ll let you know if his condition changes.” She replied, then headed back towards the stairs, waving a goodbye. “Drive safe.”

He returned the wave, before getting into his van and starting it up. He may or may not have taken his time adjusting his mirrors and shifting his seat back slightly. Explaining things to Nanefua wasn’t going to be easy, he still hadn’t figure out what he was going to say. But he owed it to Steven to help sort things out the best he could.

It was time to face the music.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Nanefua took pride in the things she’d accomplished since first becoming mayor. It was a tough job that required tough skin, and she knew that compared to the previous mayor she was much better suited for it. That said, she didn’t envy anyone who had been, or ever would be, in her place. She’d taken charge not long before peace had been established with Homeworld, and even now when things were much more stable, dealing with alien matters was a hassle and a half. She hadn’t been lying when she’d said that the town’s problems couldn’t all be blamed on Dewey.

The main action she’d taken to be proactive as the mayor was build a more involved rapport with Steven and his family, getting them involved along with the town in preparing for future emergencies. The Crystal Gems acted as their protectors first and foremost, but they also functioned as an advanced warning system so the town could prepare themselves and get out of the way of any attacking force. It would mean less distractions during a fight if nothing else. No more last-minute evacuations once everything had already gone wrong and the enemy was within sight of the beach; now if anything even hinted at a potential danger to the town Steven would call her directly and keep her updated. He’d been completely on board with that arrangement and stuck with it for the most part, but even when it slipped his mind, or when things escalated too fast to be on top of it, his presence was at least noticeable enough to alert her when there was an issue. Whether he was running across town on his magical lion, or fighting some monster on the boardwalk, if something was wrong it tended to be obvious. At times like those she could usually catch a moment with him for some sort of situation report.

But when the giant creature had appeared on the beach, and vanished just as quickly, Steven had been nowhere to be seen. All the other gems had been absent too, except for the three that lived in Little Homeworld, who had been spotted helping with the clean up effort before vanishing again the night before. They’d been tight lipped however, and none of her gem informants could give her any answers. Even if the threat had been dealt with, usually Steven would still visit to explain to her what had happened so she could be better prepared in the future. But she hadn’t been able to contact anyone from his inner circle until today, and she’d reached his father of all people.

Greg’s response was encouraging at least. He hadn’t said anything about Steven’s condition, but it had sounded like Steven was alive. The past 24 hours had been anxious ones for the town, with a night spent wondering if some hulking creature would rise un-noticed from the depths of the ocean, having finished off their guardians for good before moving on to devour them next.

Her fears weren’t completely eased by his arrival, however. The man currently stood in her office doorway, and with one look at him she could tell that something was still going on. He was unwashed, unrested, and uncomfortable, with a salt crusted shirt, and dark smudges under his eyes. She’d never seen him looking this bad before.

“Come in, come in.” She coaxed, gesturing to the seat across the desk from hers. “My, you look exhausted.”

His reply was a self-conscious chuckle. “Sorry, I realized as soon as I got here that I forgot to change from the clothes I slept in. I probably look like a mess.” He sat down stiffly, linking his fingers in his lap like a school child who’d been called in by the principle.

She smiled indulgently. “You do, but I don’t mind. It seems whatever happened has been quite stressful.”

“You can say that again.” He made a strangled sound that might have been a laugh. “I’m usually not… I don’t usually get this involved, unless it’s unavoidable, and this is the first time… Well, let’s just say this is a first for me.”

“What happened?”

He tapped out an uneasy rhythm with his foot. “It’s, uh, you see, there was a bit of a fight with a corrupted gem. On the beach.”

“I had gathered as much.” She admitted. “It was hard to miss. I’ve never seen one that big before.”

“Yeah, they… they don’t usually get that big. It wasn’t like typical corruption. I’m not totally sure how it works to be honest with you.”

She peered at him, noticing the nervous way he bounced his knee. “But it has been healed?” She pressed. “Or at least contained, yes? We haven’t seen it since yesterday.”

He grimaced. “Well, that’s the thing. We’ve managed a partial fix, sort of. I just… Can’t say whether it will stick…” He huffed and clenched his hands. “We’ve never dealt with something like this before, so we’re still figuring out what we need to do, or if there’s a permanent solution.”

She frowned, trying to parse his vague explanation. “So, it’s still a danger to us?”

“No!” He exclaimed, gripping the arms of his chair. “At last… I don’t think so? H- It didn’t really try to go after the town. I think it just wanted to go _through_ the town to get away from us, but we were able to stop it. It wasn’t _trying_ to hurt anyone, just protect itself.”

Like a wild animal. Steven had described corrupted gems to her once in a similar manner. Their consciousness was tangled, wrapped in the agony of their own insanity. They could only think of staying alive, in any way they could, anything else was too painful for their fragile state of mind. It took the healing essences of all four diamonds to reverse such a state, and even then, the gem would be left forever changed by what they had become. Several of her newer citizens displayed such marks, some more openly than others.

She steepled her fingers, considering. “Was Steven not able to heal it? And I’ve heard reports of the diamond ship arriving yesterday as well, were they not able to help with the corruption?”

“Well, they helped I guess.” Greg shrugged. “But like I said, this wasn’t a typical corrupted gem. Whether it’s a permanent solution or not isn’t clear yet. Steven was…” He paused, swallowing. “He was able to heal the corruption for now but… It had some, uh, adverse effects on his body.”

Her stomach sank at the look on his face. “Is he alright?” She asked. Greg didn’t answer at first, and her stomach sank even further. “We’ve all been very worried about him. My granddaughters have been blowing up my phone all night, asking me if I’ve heard from Steven yet.”

Greg managed to crack a small smile. “I’m sure they have. Sorry, even if Steven was up for talking, his phone was lost in the commotion.” The smile faded. “Dr. Maheswaran has been looking at him. So far, we don’t know exactly what’s going on, only that it’s something to do with his gem. He’s resting, but we’re not sure if it’ll go away on its own or not or if there’s anything we can do about it.”

“I see, I understand why you’ve been having such a hard time.” She leaned back in her chair, thinking about her options. “If you need any supplies for the doctor let me know. For now, we’ll keep the city alert and ready to evacuate if needed, just in case.”

His posture relaxed a bit, his hands returning to fidgeting in his lap instead of gripping the armrests. “That sounds good. I’ll try to keep you posted, and I’ll tell the gems to start using their phones again. I don’t think you’ll have to evacuate, or at least I hope you won’t but… It’s good to be ready. That’ll probably make Steven feel better at least.”

“Of course.” She replied. He started to stand, getting ready to leave now that he’d finished reporting to her, but she held up a hand to stop him. “Before you go, I want to ask you something.”

He froze halfway to his feet. “Deja-vu.”

“Why do I get the feeling that you’re hiding something from me?” She asked. The vague terms, the dancing around what exactly had happened to the gem in question, and the mysterious state of Steven’s health. things weren’t adding up the way she was used to when discussing gem events with Steven. She’d learned that the creature was a corrupted gem, who had been at least temporarily healed, and that Steven was still alive if unwell, but the lack of details unsettled her.

His response to her question didn’t help, his face twisting with a mix of guilt and defensiveness. “It’s- I’m not trying to… I’m not lying to you or anything I promise, I’m just-” He rubbed the top of his head in agitation. She wondered if that behaviour had contributed to how sparse his hairline was despite the abundance everywhere else. “Can you just trust that we know what we’re doing, and that we’ll tell you anything we think you need to know?”

She mulled that over. “Is it related to Steven’s condition?”

“… Maybe. I just don’t think we should tell anyone just yet. It’s a delicate situation, and without knowing more it might just cause people to panic. Plus, it’s… A bit personal.”

She pursed her lips, but the look in his eyes convinced her to nod in agreement. “I’ll wait, but only another day or two. After that I really will come to the house to see Steven myself, whether you like it or not.”

“Deal. I’ll keep you as up-to date as I can.” He let out a breath of relief, then took his cue to leave. But just as he reached for the door, she called out to him one last time.

“Tell Steven I hope he gets well soon!”

He paused in the doorway and smiled. “I will, thanks.” And then he was gone, taking his secrets with him.

She swivelled her chair to look out the window behind her desk, noticing the small crowd that had gathered outside. They were probably hoping for some information themselves. It was unspoken knowledge amongst the townsfolk that Steven was the cornerstone of Beach City. She’d never seen him deal with anything worse than allergies, so hearing that something had actually affected him so severely was worrying. She’d thought that her meeting with Greg would put her mind at ease, but instead it had done quite the opposite.

Even when bearing bad news, Steven was usually good at making a bad situation seem like something they could confront. Greg had only offered an ominous request for privacy, and a lot of uncertainty over whether things would be resolved any time soon.

She just hoped he had a good reason for staying silent, otherwise she would drag him down to the pier and throw him off the end of it for worrying her like this.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Driving to town hall and back was far more exhausting than it had any right to be. Faces peered at him from every angle, recognising his van. He knew he hadn’t given the mayor nearly enough information to appease anyone, but he’d decided that he couldn’t tell them the truth yet, not about Steven. For one thing he didn’t know whether Steven even wanted them to know, and for another there was no telling how people would react to finding out that Steven, their protector for the past several years, the person who served to bridge the gap between humans and gems, the small kind boy with curly hair and starry eyes, was now a potential threat to them. He trusted Nanefua to stay level-headed about it, but what about everyone else? What would people think?

It was better to wait until the gems and Priyanka figured out how to fix this, or until it fixed itself. Once Steven was no longer at risk of stomping through Beach City like a toddler through a Lego set, they could decide if they were willing to tell everyone who the monster on the beach really was. Plus, the citizens would probably handle the news better if they knew they weren’t in danger anymore. Keeping them in the dark for a little bit longer just seemed like the best choice for now.

If Greg was being honest, he found he kind of missed being on their end of things. He didn’t miss the anxiety, wondering whether stuff was about to fall apart around him, but he did miss the ignorance a little bit. If he never found out that something bad was happening, then he didn’t have to worry about it. If he never went to see a doctor, then he didn’t have to find out that he might have cancer, or some other horrible disease, and if he didn’t know about it, then it was like he didn’t have it at all. Ignorance was bliss, right? He knew that didn’t make sense, of course avoiding things didn’t keep them from happening, but his brain didn’t seem to get the memo most of the time.

After that green hand ship had crashed into the beach all those years ago, seeing Steven had been like a punch to the gut. The black eye, the abduction, the powerful enemies that had nearly taken his son away from him forever, all of that had happened so quickly and he’d had no idea. But the worst part was the realization that there was nothing he could have done even if he _had_ known that it was happening. What was he going to do against an ancient and immortal alien species that had technology so advanced it was like magic? Knowing about what went on in Steven’s world just seemed to lead to an increased risk of a heart attack. It didn’t help Steven in any way, so why bother? It was better to just be there for Steven as emotional support, and hope things worked out in the end. At least, that’s what he’d told himself for a long time. Sure, if he’d known what would happen that day, he never would have let Steven return to the beach, but what difference would it have made? The Homeworld gems would have captured, or even shattered the crystal gems. They might have destroyed the city as well, and even if they’d left at that point to never return, the cluster buried deep beneath the earth would have finished the job. So then what would knowing have done for him? That’s what he’d asked himself, over and over, trying to ease the stinging thoughts of _“Why did I let him go? Why didn’t I take him with me? Why didn’t I keep him safe?”_ If he’d done things differently Steven wouldn’t have been captured, wouldn’t have been dragged into a conflict between extraterrestrial gods, wouldn’t have had to deal with all this diamond nonsense. But inevitably the cluster would have emerged, earth would have been destroyed, and both he and Steven would have been dead.

Well, _he_ would have been dead. These days he’s not so sure what would have happened to Steven. Could Steven even die? That was a question that haunted him relentlessly. If all of Steven’s injuries had been healing this whole time, then what was the limit to a power like that? Was he like those comic book characters that could regrow limbs, or regenerate from a single cell? It was at times like these that Greg couldn’t help but miss Rose, feeling the old ache in his chest at her memory. He wished he could ask her all the things he’d never thought to ask before, like “will our son be immortal?” or “why didn’t you tell us the truth before you died, instead of leaving it hanging over Steven’s head like a guillotine?” Then again, it was possible she wouldn’t have an answer to those questions anyway. Steven was a whole different kettle of fish after all.

Or maybe Steven was right about him, maybe he really was just like Rose. Maybe she hadn’t known she was putting her son’s head on a chopping block because she hadn’t wanted to know.

He hadn’t wanted to know about gem business, and so he hadn’t known. But not knowing didn’t stop the blade from coming down on Steven’s neck anyway.

He supposed it didn’t matter now. He’d already made his decision to be more involved, to not run away and avoid the hard truths anymore, so navel-gazing about stuff he couldn’t change wouldn’t help anything. He sighed, shelving his thoughts as he pulled up to the house.

He hadn’t been gone long, so not much had changed since he’d left. Lapis watched from her perch on the stairs as Peridot printed out reading after reading from her scanner formerly known as microwave, and Priyanka was sitting on the sectional while looking through her own handful of papers. The crystal gems were having a conversation about something called a “pebble top”, which Pearl seemed to be getting quite passionate about. He didn’t see Bismuth anywhere inside, but he could hear the distant sound of hammering, so she must have been around somewhere.

While the others were pre-occupied Connie was passing the time by playing cat’s cradle with Steven. He was propped up by a bunch of pillows and struggling to get his fingers to work half the time, but he seemed content enough to let Connie use his hands as scaffolding. Lion had apparently been shoo-ed away again so they could do the tests, and the big cat was pouting from the floor next to the couch, his tail flicking in agitation. He always wanted to hog Steven’s space and attention when it was the least convenient.

Greg tucked his keys away and steeled himself before going over to sit in the spot between his son and Priyanka. If he was going to resolve himself to not running away from now on, then he couldn’t allow himself to avoid his son out of misplaced anxiety. “Hey bud, how’re you doing?”

“Hey dad.” Steven offered up a wan smile. “Dr. Maheswaran has been doing some tests with Peridot.” His expression wobbled. “It turns out I can’t hear out of my left ear either.”

“O- oh,” That wasn’t the kind of news he been expecting, “that’s… Too bad?”

“He’s also having a harder time with the motor skills on the left side of his body.” Connie added matter-of-factly, plucking the string from Steven’s fingers before doing something complicated with her own digits. The end result was a pattern with four diamonds stretched between her hands.

Steven shrugged a shoulder. “It’s not that bad, I think it’s just because it’s hard to see or hear anything on that side.”

Greg blinked, not sure how to react. “Well at least you seem less… Upset today than you were yesterday.”

“Connie’s been distracting me.” Steven confessed, fiddling with the hem of the blanket he had draped over his legs. “And Dr. Maheswaran said if it gets bad again, I can try to take something to calm me down. I guess having that option makes me feel a bit better.”

“Steven, I told you it’s fine if you call me Priyanka.” The doctor responded without looking up from her reading. “I slept on the floor of your bedroom and ate breakfast made by one of your alien mothers, I’m pretty sure that put us on a first name basis.”

He frowned. “But I’m your patient. Isn’t that how patients are supposed to talk to their doctors?”

“Patients use their doctor’s first names sometimes. It helps build a friendly relationship if we’re both on equal footing.”

“Oh…” Steven fell silent, looking skeptical. He was probably disappointed that real life doctors didn’t talk and act like the characters from his favourite medical drama. He turned his gaze back to Greg, and some nervousness bled onto his face. “Oh yeah, how did the meeting with Nanefua go? What did you tell her?”

Greg saw the crystal gems look in his direction as well from across the room, their pebble conversation trailing off. Now it was his turn to be nervous. “Uh, well. I told her the basics, but I didn’t go into too much detail. Didn’t want to rock the boat quite yet.”

“So, you didn’t tell them…?”

“I didn’t tell them it was you, no.” He peered at Steven, trying to gauge his response. “Is that okay? I didn’t lie or anything, I never said it _wasn’t_ you, but I didn’t think it was a good idea to get into that until we’ve figured something out.”

Steven’s expression was difficult to read. He let Connie guide his hands back up, holding them in place absently as she looped string around his fingers. “But what if I change back again?” He finally asked, his voice soft. “Shouldn’t they know it’s me, in case… In case I…?”

It seemed the philosophical questions about knowledge would continue to follow Greg, even when he tried not to think about them. “I don’t know Steven. Wouldn’t it be better if they knew once you had things under control and could answer all their questions? The mayor even agreed to wait a few days, so we could have some time to figure stuff out here” He reached over to rub Steven’s back, feeling the rough patches of skin where scars had developed. “I told her we dealt with a, well, with a corrupted gem, and that healing it did something to you that we’re trying to fix. She said she’d stay on high alert until this all blows over. If it ever gets to the point where we think she needs to know then we’ll tell her, but for now she just wants you to get better. So, you don’t have to worry about it, okay?”

“… Okay.” Steven took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay.”

“But hey, everybody’s been really worried about you. They care about you a lot.” He grinned and ruffled his son’s hair gently. “Won’t be long before we start getting visitors!”

Steven shrunk at the thought. “I hope not. I don’t think I’m ready to see anyone yet. Connie asked if I wanted to use her phone to talk to anybody and even thinking about it made me want to throw up again…” He shuddered.

“Uh, is this a bad time?”

Nearly everyone in the house jumped at the new voice, spinning to look at the doorway. The entrance was still empty since it hadn’t been fitted with a new door yet.

On the other side of it, peering through the opening, stood Sadie and Shep.

Greg had to stifle a groan. In all the commotion he’d completely forgotten to get back in contact with them. He’d just told them Steven was in the hospital before taking off, so they’d probably been worried sick.

Beside him Steven’s eyes went wide with terror. The cat’s cradle string drooped, forgotten on shaking fingers. “Why…” he whispered. “Why did I have to open my big fat mouth?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mainly a transitional chapter, but it ended up being a lot longer than I expected. Greg just has a lot going on in his head at the moment haha.
> 
> Art by me! If you'd like, you can check out more of my stuff here: http://infriga.tumblr.com/tagged/fanart
> 
> Comments are greatly loved and appreciated! I read every single one, usually multiple times haha. If I don't reply it's usually because I'm shy and I don't know what to say, but I'm grateful for every single one!


	4. Breakwater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakwater: A structure that provides protection by intercepting waves before they reach the shore.

Any other time Steven would have been ecstatic to get a visit from Sadie and Shep. He loved visitors, and after the events at the graduation it was especially nice to see his friends and catch up with what they had going on. But this wasn’t any other time. The last thing he wanted right now was for people he respected to come into his broken house, see his broken body, and find out that it was all a result of his own broken mind.

“I’m sorry guys.” Greg sighed. “I totally forgot to contact you after I left. Things have just been so hectic the past week.” He brought up his messages on his phone and sure enough, the screen showed a series of increasingly frantic texts from the two musicians he was supposed to be managing.

Sadie waved a hand. “It’s alright, you had more important things to worry about. We have some time before the next stop on the tour, so we figured we’d drop by and see if you guys are okay.” She stepped inside, studying Steven intently. Shep followed closely behind her.

Steven still felt weird around Shep. He liked them, and they’d been far more patient with him during his freak out with the dome than he’d deserved, especially after the way he’d acted about their relationship with Sadie, but he didn’t know them as well as he knew the other humans in Beach City. Just like with Connie’s friends, he wasn’t sure how to act around them, or what to say. Talking to people he hadn’t known most of his life always felt like he was speaking a completely different language. The feeling was even worse now that he’d experienced what it was like to be cut off from words entirely. Part of him was irrationally afraid that if he wasn’t careful the next time he opened his mouth to answer a question he’d start roaring instead.

But they’d been worried about him, and they’d come all the way back here to see how he was doing, so when Greg turned to look at him, brow raised in question, Steven forced himself to nod in response. He could do this. He had to do this.

His hands gripped the edge of his blanket and he did his best to meet Sadie’s gaze, resisting the urge to flinch at the open concern on her face. “Hey guys, sorry for worrying you.” He gave them a strained smile.

Sadie offered her own smile in response. “I’m just glad you’re okay.” She paused as she spotted the nodes stuck to him, their wires trailing to Peridot’s ominous scanning device, and her brow furrowed. “You’re okay, right?”

His automatic reply stuck in his throat. He wanted to reassure her, but he couldn’t bring himself to say that he was okay. He didn’t know if he was, and it scared him. He didn’t want to just lie and say he was alright, because the thought of going back to pretending made him sick to his stomach. He couldn’t do that again. It was like wearing the wrong skin, stretched over his battered skeleton. An ill-fitting suit.

The silence grew as he struggled to think of something to answer with, something that wouldn’t worry them too much while still mostly being the truth.

“Um, well.” Greg cut in, bringing a hand up to rub Steven’s back gently. “We’re still figuring out the details.” He gestured to Dr. Maheswaran in illustration, who gave a polite wave. “But he’s doing better today than he was yesterday, so hopefully it’s all uphill from here.”

Sadie looked partially reassured, but Shep’s eyes were as sharp as ever as they watched Steven. “What happened?” They asked.

Their soft voice was neutral, and the question was inevitable, but Steven still felt his pulse skyrocket. “Th- there was an issue with… With a corrupted gem.” How did that breathing exercise work again? The one Connie’s mom taught him? C’mon, he could do this. He just had to remember how to keep breathing. He wasn’t glowing right now. He could do this. They were his friends, he didn’t have to be scared of them. He could do this.

He felt his dad squeeze his shoulder, trying to offer some comfort. “Do you mind if we wait a bit before explaining what happened exactly?” Greg asked, his composure a steady rock compared to the shifting sand in Steven’s head. “It’s just a bit complicated, and I don’t want to stress Steven out too much. At least not until he’s improved a bit.”

Shep nodded, and Sadie worried at her lip with her teeth before nodding as well, her ponytail bobbing. “Right, of course.”

prompted by the guilt churning in his gut, Steven blurted, “You can visit if you want though! Since… Since you came all the way here…” He regretted the suggestion immediately when the thought of socializing joined the guilt, and they combined to make a swirling stew of discomfort in his stomach. Stars above, he was a mess. Why did he always have to say stuff without thinking?

The offer did seem to ease some of Sadie’s anxiety at least. “Well, okay, if that’s alright with you.” Her smile returned, dimpling her cheeks.

It wasn’t alright with him, but that didn’t matter. He was the one who offered, and he wasn’t about to kick her out now.

His dad gave him a long look, but didn’t say anything, and with reluctance Greg stood and offered his spot on the couch to the guests. “We’ll give you guys some space then, let us know if you need anything.”

Dr. Maheswaran and Peridot took the hint to follow him, and the three of them retreated to the kitchen. It wasn’t exactly private, but it was better than being left completely alone.

Shep hung back to stand next to the sectional, keeping a more polite distance, while Sadie sat down on the couch. She gave Steven another once-over. “Greg said you were in the hospital…” She took note of his scars with worried eyes, but tactfully didn’t comment on them. “How are you feeling?”

Steven could answer this at least. “Tired. Sore. Some… Some stuff has been going on with me lately, I guess. I didn’t mean for it to mess with your tour…”

“No, it’s okay! We had some extra time, so we wanted to come see you.” She placed a gentle hand over his. Normally he would have appreciated the contact, he’d always been a very tactile person, but now it made his skin crawl. He’d had a hard time with being touched ever since he’d turned back, half expecting people to jerk their hands away. He knew he didn’t have scales anymore, or horns, and he knew that he was still soft, and peach coloured, not sharp and radioactively pink, but every time fingers met his skin he was sure that touching him would feel fundamentally wrong. Yet no one ever acted any differently. He was slowly getting used to the occasional touch from his dad, or the gems, or Connie, reassured by the fact that they _had_ touched him when he was at his least human without drawing back. But letting someone else do it, someone who didn’t know, was still unnerving.

He swallowed and resisted the urge to tug his hand out of her grip. He would just have to get used to this too. “I uh, I wanted to apologize again, for what happened last time. With you and Lars, I mean.”

She blinked, then shook her head. “It’s already forgiven Steven. I mean, I get why you were surprised, we used to let you get so involved, so you weren’t used to us keeping stuff about our relationship private.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she chuckled awkwardly.

He probably didn’t deserve her forgiveness, after how selfishly he’d acted before. And especially after he’d gone and trapped everyone in a bubble because of his issues. He couldn’t bring himself to tell them what had happened just yesterday, though they’d surely seen the carnage on the beach and would be wondering about it, but there was one thing he could offer them. They deserved a partial explanation at the very least. “Well, I was actually at the hospital because of my powers. You know, like- like the dome, from graduation. I found out why they were acting up.”

She exchanged a confused glance with Shep. “Oh, I thought… Wasn’t that because you were upset about us leaving?”

“I thought that too at first. And I _was_ sad about you guys leaving, so that was part of it but…” His fingers clenched over his knees. “I kept trying to figure out why I couldn’t get it to stop. If it was reacting to my feelings, then why wasn’t it reacting to my fear of hurting you?” He’d laid on the roof of his car later that night, watching the stars, and he’d wondered if he was really that awful, if he would really kill his friends to avoid having to let them go. “Then it kept happening, over and over again. I started swelling up, and breaking things, and I still couldn’t control it. So, I went to see Dr. Maheswaran. After I- um, after the exam, she had me fill out some forms and answer some questions.” He took a breath and let his hands unclench. His vision was fuzzed around the edges from staring at one spot for too long, and he had to remind himself to blink. They deserved to know, after he’d almost killed them for it.

Sadie squeezed his hand.

He closed his eyes and took another breath. “She said she thinks I have something called post traumatic stress disorder.” He tried to remember the doctor’s explanation, or the name of the chemical she’d mentioned, but he gave up when her words just slid around inside his head and refused to organize themselves. “Apparently my powers are triggered by stress. That’s why my shield came out, because I let myself get worked up over you guys leaving.”

The responding silence threatened to swallow him, but he could feel Sadie’s fingers tighten their grip.

“Oh Steven…” His eyes shot open as she flung her arms around him, pulling him into a hug. He didn’t know how to react, so he let his own arms hang limp. “I had no idea.” She whispered into his hair.

“I’m sorry.” His voice rattled as emotion clogged his throat. “If I’d known I was so messed up I never would have gone to the graduation. I shouldn’t have been teaching in the first place, I could have hurt someone.” He hid his face in the crook of Sadie’s shoulder.

“You’re not messed up Steven.” Shep’s voice was closer than before, and he felt the seat cushions on his other side dip under their weight. “And if anything, I should be apologizing to you.”

“Huh?” He pulled out of Sadie’s hold and turned to face them, confused.

“The stuff I said to you back then, that was way out of line. I made a bunch of assumptions when I barely even knew you.”

He shook his head. “But you were right, I _was_ upset about my friends leaving! And I _was_ suffocating them, literally, because I couldn’t get a grip on myself!”

Shep just stared at him, their expression painfully sympathetic.

Sadie yanked him back around and gave him a stern look. “Of course you were upset about your friends leaving! There’s nothing wrong with that! We should have realized that something was going on with you, since you’d never done anything like that before, but I guess we just brushed it aside as more weird gem stuff.” She rubbed his arms, her face earnest. “But now we know better, so if it happens again, we can figure out the right way to react, okay?” Her touch was somehow both comforting and uncomfortable at the same time. She paused when he shuddered at the sensation. “You know you can talk to us when something’s bothering you, right?”

His gaze fell back down to his lap. “You guys have your own lives to live, you shouldn’t have to deal with my problems…”

She heaved a sigh. “Steven, you’re a part of my life too you know. If you need help, then I want to be there for you if I can. All of us do.”

His emotions were being pulled in different directions. Denial and guilt waited on one side, their familiar claws grasping at him, while acceptance and gratitude sat on the other, promising relief that he didn’t quite trust. He couldn’t seem to make progress towards either of them without splitting at the seams.

“There’s…” He hesitated for a moment but continued before he could chicken out. “There’s something I wanted to ask you…”

Sadie pulled back slightly but didn’t let go of him. “What is it?”

He shouldn’t bring this up, he knew. It felt so petty, but even as she assured him that he was important to her, he could feel the question gnawing at the edges of his mind. “Why didn’t anyone tell me about the band breaking up?”

She stiffened, and for a brief paranoid moment her grip felt like shackles locked around his arms.

He pushed on before she could reply. “I get why you and Lars didn’t tell me about your relationship stuff. You were right, that was private, and I totally overstepped! I just… I just don’t understand why…” It was hard to talk when it felt like all the air in his lungs was being filtered though a watering can. “I thought I was a part of the band… I know I couldn’t be a full-time member because of- of gem stuff but… Didn’t… didn’t I deserve to know?”

He’d brought them together, subbed in as an extra member, gotten them his dad as their manager. He’d played with them, laughed with them, sang with them. He thought he’d been one of them. Then suddenly they were just… Gone. Leaving him behind.

“Was…” He pulled at one of the threads on his blanket. “Was it something I…?

“No!” Sadie shouted, startling him enough to get him to look up. She looked stricken. “God no, Steven you didn’t do anything!” She pulled him back into another crushing hug. “I just, I felt so bad when I made the decision. You were our biggest fan, and you invited me into the band in the first place, I was afraid of how you’d react. And then I was hoping that the others would tell you, but I guess they thought _I_ would tell you so _nobody_ ended up telling you. And even after I realized you didn’t know I avoided talking about it because I didn’t know what to say to you, but I should have thought about how that would make you feel.”

“You…” he choked out a laugh of disbelief. “You were afraid of how I’d react? Did you think I would be mad?”

“I thought you would cry!”

He gave another wheezing chuckle, and finally brought his arms up to return the hug, gripping the back of her shirt. “I might.” He admitted.

“Well then I’ll just have to suck it up.” She drew back again and looked into his eyes. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry for not telling you.”

“It’s alright.” He grinned. “As long as I get free tickets to your next show.”

She raised a brow. “You’re always allowed to see our shows for free anyways.”

“Yeah, but I want some tickets to keep as a souvenir.”

“Okay, deal. I’ll sign them too, maybe they’ll be worth a lot of money some day.”

They shared a brief giggle, knowing that he’d never need the money, and even if he did, he would never sell them.

She moved her grip from his arms back down to his hands, cupping them gently in her own. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about the other stuff that’s been going on with you? I’m always willing to lend you an ear if you need it, you know that, right?”

“I know.” He replied. And he did know, but he wasn’t ready to tell her. Even after everything that had happened, he was still afraid of what everyone would think of him once they’d seen what he really was. He knew that she’d find out eventually anyway, because the town needed to know what he could do if something went wrong, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it yet.

He just wanted a bit more time to prepare himself before he was forced to pull back the curtains and let the monster out into the spotlight.

Sadie peered at him with lingering concern. “I know I already asked but, _are_ you okay Steven? Or are you going to be at least?”

He gave her a weak smile. “I don’t know yet.” He told her honestly.

That would have to be good enough for now.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

When Steven’s exhaustion started to become apparent, Greg stepped back in and gently asked Sadie and Shep to let him rest. They agreed easily, and even though things had gone better than anyone expected, Steven still looked relieved as they left. After such an emotional conversation anyone would need to take a break, so while he resisted at first, it didn’t take long to convince him to take a nap.

Within minutes he was out like a light, sprawled on the couch with Lion’s furry head resting on his chest.

They’d all stayed quiet and still throughout the visit, trying not to butt in on Steven’s personal conversation with his friends, and now that it was over the atmosphere was like the aftermath of a snapped guitar string. It was no longer tense and stretched beyond capacity, but the material was warped and curled up against itself from being pulled out of its original shape.

It wasn’t even noon yet, yeesh.

Thank god they’d gotten around to building a second floor for Steven’s bedroom, and if Greg had anything to say about it they’d be adding a door next, because the kid deserved some damn privacy after all of this.

Once Steven’s breathing had evened out, Lapis finally broke the silence, gesturing at the microwave with a raised eyebrow. “So, what did you guys find?”

Peridot snapped to attention. “Right!” She held up her readings. “Well the results do seem to confirm that his gem is in its inert phase.”

“Great, so does that mean we can just like, set him out on the deck for a while and he’ll get better?” Amethyst asked, sounding more than ready to carry him out herself and set up a few mirrors around him for good measure.

Peridot scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous. His body is organic, remember? Too much direct sunlight will damage the structure of his skin cells.”

“Then can’t we just cover him in sunscreen first?”

She shook her head. “Partial or indirect sunlight is more than sufficient to provide enough power for his gem to recharge. Every gem has a minimum level of energy needed to function continuously, so once he reaches that level it should reboot and continue functioning normally. Theoretically.”

“What do you mean theoretically?” Greg asked, feeling a rising sense of foreboding. He’d noticed Priyanka reading her own handful of papers with a wrinkled brow.

She looked up at him, her expression serious. “According to Peridot, nobody knows what the minimum level for powering up a diamond is, or how long it would take one to recharge. And in the meantime…” She grimaced and patted the seat of the chair next to her. “You might want to sit down.”

“You’re scaring me doc, what’s going on?” He slid into the chair and gripped the arms, his gut twisting itself into knots.

She rubbed her forehead fretfully as she looked over at Steven. Lion’s mane swayed lightly with each of his soft breaths. “Has Steven ever had his gem removed before?” She glanced briefly at Connie as she asked, then returned her gaze to him.

He scratched his head. “Not that I’m aware of. I don’t even know if that’s possible.”

“Well, based on the data we managed to get using the scanner I have reason to believe that if Steven were to ever lose it, he wouldn’t be able to survive without it.” She handed him one of her papers. On it was a diagram of a body, one he recognised as Steven’s from the multitude of fractures in the skeleton. The ghostly shapes of organs floated over the bones, each rendered in a different colour, and in the middle of his stomach, where his gem would sit, was a circle so dark it was like a black hole. Next to the diagram was a list of words and numbers that he couldn’t make heads or tails out of. She pointed to the number column. “This was the first set of readings we took, just after you left to see the mayor.” She gave him a second paper, almost identical the first, but when she pointed to the number column again, he could tell that they had all changed slightly. “This was the most recent reading we took, just before you got back. Those are his vitals and electrolyte levels, as well as stuff like his red blood cell count, how hydrated he is, acidity levels, pretty much everything I could think of to look at that we could test for. We took several scans, and each one showed a similar pattern. His blood pressure is dropping, his electrolytes are all over the place and are only getting worse despite the electrolyte solution I gave him, he’s definitely anemic, and while his kidneys and liver function are still within an acceptable range, they are noticeably deteriorating.”

He swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “That… sounds bad.”

She took the readings back from him and gave him a solemn look. “That’s because it is bad. Steven’s gem is essentially turned off while it recharges, and he likely can’t survive without it, so until it turns back on, I think his health will continue to deteriorate.”

“The problem is,” Peridot interjected, wringing her hands, “we don’t know how long that will take.”

Amethyst looked like she’d been struck. “You- you’re making it sound like he’s dying!”

“Technically, he is.” Priyanka replied softly.

Pearl pressed a shaking hand to her mouth and turned to Garnet, who stood with her hands clenched into tight fists at her side.

“I can’t see anything clearly enough.” The larger gem gritted out. “Steven has always been hard to predict, but now everything is so…” She looked down in defeat. “Tangled.”

Greg’s heart sat like a rock in his chest, heavier than he’d ever felt before. This couldn’t be happening.

Priyanka reached over to grip his wrist, squeezing it reassuringly. “I’m not giving up by any means, I can promise you that. I swear I’m going to do everything I can to maintain his health until his gem starts back up.” She stood and grabbed her medical bag, hefting it over her shoulder. “First of all, what I want to do is see if I can get my hands on some IV fluids and an IV pole that no one will miss. Putting him on an IV might help slow down some of the deterioration. After that we’ll look into potential ways to speed up the recharging process if worst comes to worst.” She faced the group, looking determined. “It’s entirely possible that his gem will reboot soon, and we’ll all have been worried for nothing, but I intend to keep him as healthy as possible for as long as possible, to give him the best possible chance.”

Across the table from her Connie rose from where she’d been sitting. Her eyes were wet, but her expression was just as determined as her mother’s. “I’m going to go ask the Diamonds if they know how long their gems take to recharge.” She declared.

Amethyst leapt down from her seat on the table. “I’ll go with you!”

“I’ll keep taking more readings!” Peridot chirped, flapping her fistful of papers with vigor. “Maybe I can determine a time limit!”

Lapis held up a hand. “I’ll go with Amethyst and Connie. Sitting around doing nothing sucks.”

“I guess I could make lunch while we wait.” Pearl suggested tentatively.

Garnet stayed silent, staring expressionlessly at the doorway, but some of the tension had left her shoulders.

Greg smiled, feeling a bit less like it was the end of the world. “Thanks guys.”

Priyanka returned the smile, then after a brief nod she spun on her heel and strode out the door.

She was gone for less than half a minute before her head popped back into view. “Uh, Greg? I think you’re going to be getting some more visitors…”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

After the ordeal that Sadie and Shep’s visit had been, Greg wasn’t about to wake up Steven and force him to go through the same thing all over again. So when he came out to see what Priyanka was talking about, and spotted the former Suspects loitering at the base of his stairs, he had no qualms sending them away. He told them they could ask Sadie if they wanted to know how Steven was doing. The hangdog looks they gave him as they reluctantly headed back to their car made him feel bad for them, but it wasn’t enough to sway him. Steven wasn’t ready for any more visitors, he arguably hadn’t been ready for the previous visitors either, and if everyone else was going to contribute in some way to helping Steven then the least Greg could do was keep busybodies from harassing his son.

Unfortunately for him, the Suspects were only the first group to show up.

Not long after Connie’s group left for the diamond ship, a knock on the door frame alerted him to the arrival of Peedee and Ronaldo, the latter already holding his phone up to take a picture of Steven sleeping on the couch. Greg had promptly tossed the phone to the beach below. After firmly refusing to allow anyone inside, he’d sent the two Fryman kids down the stairs after it, telling them that the house was off limits for the foreseeable future.

But word of Steven being out of commission must have spread fast because others continued to arrive. Some gems from Little Homeworld wandered over to offer their assistance with construction, only to be politely turned down by Bismuth. Various townsfolk came by as well with the occasional gift or excuse; Kofi and Kiki forcefully handed him a pizza they swore had been ordered by someone in the house as they tried to catch a glimpse of Steven over his shoulder, Barb claimed that she’d lost track of the mail box and offered to come inside to deliver a letter to Steven directly, and Jamie waxed poetically about the health benefits of watching a live theatre performance in person, assuring Greg that he was more than willing to perform for Steven’s sake. Even Nephrite made an appearance, her crew lingering down on the beach as she came up to greet him and ask how Steven was doing. Greg just thanked each visitor and sent them on their way, both proud of, and a bit frightened by, the sheer amount of people who had grown to care about his son. He’d had to thwart a few break-in attempts courtesy of Onion, who apparently knew every possible gap in the walls, and where each badly fitted window was. He’d have to get Bismuth to do a more thorough inspection if he was going to maintain their defenses against Vidalia’s demon child. He mentioned it to Vidalia herself, when she showed up to shove a painting into his arms as a “get well soon” gift for Steven, but she just shrugged and walked away without a reply, which was no help at all.

Person after person was turned down, until he was sure he’d rejected half the town. And then, arriving like the loudest note of a crescendo, Jasper of all people stomped in through the doorway. God, he hoped Bismuth would hurry and put up a door.

Not that it would have deterred the massive, orange gem. She sent a sneering glance around the house, ignoring most of the inhabitants despite their complaints about her presence, and when she spotted Steven, who was still resting, she made a beeline towards him. Before she could reach him however, Greg intercepted, jumping between them. For a moment he thought she would just keep going, flattening him like a cow in front of a train, but thankfully she stopped to scowl at the obstacle in her path.

She loomed over him, cracking her knuckles, though he was pretty sure she didn’t actually have any knuckles to crack. “Step aside, runt.”

Well, he’d certainly never been called that before. He cleared his throat. “Steven isn’t ready for any visitors at the moment. I’m gonna have to ask you to come back later.”

She growled. “I’m not here to visit, I’m taking him with me.”

Uh oh. “That’s definitely not happening.” He spotted Garnet and Pearl on the other side of the room, their weapons flashing into existence as they approached. He really didn’t want to wake Steven up with a fight, but he wasn’t sure how he could defuse the situation without it devolving into violence. “He’s really ill right now, so it’s best if we avoid moving him.”

Jasper just loomed harder in response. “You’ve already proven to me that you’re not qualified to protect my Diamond, so whether you like it or not, I’m taking him. Now move, before I make you move.”

Shit. “Steven wouldn’t like it if you hurt me. I’m his dad.” Of course, she wouldn’t know what a dad was. “I’m very important to him. We’re family.” Gems did seem to have a concept of family at least.

“I can move you without hurting you.” She grumbled. He somehow doubted the truth of that statement.

“Steven told you to leave.” Garnet cut in. She had come up beside Jasper and was settled into a fighting stance just a few feet away. Pearl flanked the other side, spear pointed threateningly. Next to the couch Peridot had a selection of forks hovering in front of her, ready to be used as projectiles, and lion had lifted his head to glare as his tail thrashed in agitation. The message was clear; if Jasper wanted to take Steven then she’d have to fight for it.

She actually faltered, a flicker of uncertainty crossing her face, though it seemed like the words had affected her more than the threat. “I did leave.” She insisted. “He didn’t say how long I had to stay away.”

Pearl scoffed. “In that case, protocol dictates that you would maintain your distance until your Diamond requests your presence.”

“Woah, listen, Steven isn’t anyone’s diamond okay?” Greg held up a placating hand as Jasper turned her glare back on him. “He’s my son, and he’s really sick right now. He needs to rest and avoid more stress. If you take him somewhere else then he’ll be very unhappy, and very stressed, and it could make his condition worse.” Did she know what being sick meant? “It’s like when a gem is cracked, I guess? We’re working on repairing him.”

Jasper just gave him a baffled look. “He can heal shattered gems. A crack should be nothing to him.”

He groaned. “Look it’s not exactly the same thing, I just don’t know how else to explain it. It’s a hybrid thing.” Steven was always better at this sort of stuff than he was. “Just trust me when I say that it’s not something he can heal on his own.”

She remained unconvinced, her entire body radiating frustration and impatience as she took another step closer, ready to go through him if she had to. He fought the instinct to retreat from her advance. He knew that if he gave up any ground to her she wouldn’t be giving it back.

“Wait!” He was struck with a sudden idea. “What if we make a deal? You can help us protect him here, but in return you have to stay away from him until he’s ready to see you.”

She folded her arms, squinting dubiously. “How am I supposed to protect him if I’m staying away from him?”

“Well, we keep getting visitors, but like I said, Steven isn’t ready to see anyone quite yet.” He nodded towards the doorway, which was thankfully still clear of anyone else who might come to rubberneck at his son. “All you’d have to do is hang out down on the beach and keep people from bothering us, just as long as you don’t hurt anyone.”

Pearl look skeptical, but Garnet had already dematerialized her gauntlets. If she was no longer poised to attack, then that was a good sign.

Jasper considered the offer, looking like she didn’t appreciate having to put in the mental effort.

“I’ll even put in a good word with Steven for you.” He offered, though he intended to absolutely not do that.

Her face screwed up with angry resignation. “Fine.” She spat. “But I WILL be coming back to see him after I’m done, and next time I won’t let you stop me.”

She turned away from him, with more violence than he’d though was possible for anyone to turn with, and stomped back outside.

“You can let anyone with a crystal gem through, and also anyone wearing a lab coat!” He called after her, hoping Priyanka didn’t take her coat off before returning. That would be awkward. Wait, did Jasper even know what a lab coat was? He’d have to get someone to explain it to her if anyone was willing to get close enough to do so.

At this point he was tempted to grab a sleeping bag and take his own nap on the floor of the living room. It would be nice if he could just sleep for the next few days and let everyone else take care of things, so he could wake up to a healthy Steven and a happy ending. But that was just the voice of old habits whispering in his ear. Steven wasn’t just some inconvenience that he could ignore until it went away.

He knew they’d have to deal with Jasper at some point, but that confrontation could wait until later. He was just glad that Steven could finally have some peace.

For now, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Sadie scene was supposed to end a bit happier but Steven wouldn't stop being emo.  
> On another note, Jasper is really fun to write.
> 
> Art by me! If you'd like, you can check out more of my stuff here: http://infriga.tumblr.com/tagged/fanart
> 
> Comments are greatly loved and appreciated! I read every single one, usually multiple times haha. If I don't reply it's usually because I'm shy and I don't know what to say, but I'm grateful for every single one!


	5. Red Sector

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red sector: A portion of a light that is coloured red, warning mariners that they are approaching a dangerous obstacle.

To call the Diamond ship big was beyond an understatement. Obsidian was big. The diamonds were big. The cliff that Steven’s house had been built beneath was big.

Even just the torso of the Diamond ship dwarfed all of them.

It sat partway down the beach, gleaming in the midday sun like the alien relic it was. It was impossible to miss even from a distance. The diamonds had visited enough early in era 3 that the townsfolk didn’t see it as much of a novelty anymore, but its lingering presence was still an indication that something was going on. Especially after the appearance and disappearance of a mysterious pink monster.

Connie could easily say she disliked the diamonds. She knew Steven couldn’t say it quite so easily, and indeed, she suspected that he didn’t dislike them at all, at least not completely, despite everything they had done. He may have felt uncomfortable around them, may have even spent a lot of time and effort avoiding them when his tolerance for them dropped too low, but to him they were still family. Steven was nothing if not accepting, and for him that connection was enough to keep his heart open to someone no matter how badly they’d hurt him. Especially since they were always trying so hard to do what he asked of them. And they _were_ trying, they _had_ changed. She could see that, even if she still had trouble being in the same room as White Diamond while staying civil.

And above all else, whether she liked it or not, they’d been essential to the process of liberating gemkind. They still were. It had been made dreadfully clear to her two years ago that the Diamonds were simply too big, too effortlessly powerful, to bring down. If gems were to be liberated, then without the cooperation of the ones running the show their only other option would be to continue a long, drawn out rebellion that had no guarantee of succeeding. In spite of all her misgivings, this was inarguably the best option for everyone.

So yeah, she understood why they kept the Diamonds around. That didn’t mean she had to like them.

There were no visible doorways on the outside of the ship, just an impossibly smooth surface covered in a network of interconnected lines. But as they approached the question of how to get in was answered when a circular door slid open in front of them, seemingly out of nowhere. Connie couldn’t say whether they’d been spotted arriving, or whether it had responded to them automatically, but she wasn’t going to question it. She doubted the Diamonds would have been able to hear them knocking. After exchanging a glance and a shrug with her companions, she hefted her leg over the lip of the hole and clambered inside.

Diamond ships always managed to feel even bigger on the inside somehow, like she had climbed into a massive TARDIS. She’d always preferred the design of Pink’s ship over the others, not just because of its relation to Steven, but also because it had a warmer, more appealing style. With the arched patterns along the walls, and the piloting area built like a stage, it felt like some sort of elegant theatre or runway. It had personality built into it. She hadn’t been in the arm sections much, but what little she’d seen there had looked more utilitarian. And yet compared to the middle section even the arms were bursting with character.

White’s chunk of the ship, from the bottom of its trunk to the pointed crest of its head, had always been nothing but an oppressive grey void. More colour had been introduced slowly over the years, some pink, blue, and yellow highlights scattered across instruments and what little furniture there was. None of it helped with the blank, bleached look that plagued everything in sight. Steven hated the inside of White’s ship, and Connie was well aware of it. Even he could not hide his clenched fists or twitching jaw whenever he was forced to go inside it, and it wasn’t just the lighting that washed out his complexion.

White was well aware of it as well. She’d commissioned the construction of a new galaxy warp immediately after his second trip in to homeworld, almost frantically pushing for its construction. She’d claimed that she didn’t want Steven to have to “take so long to visit us”, but Connie suspected that she was more motivated by the look he’d had on his face as he’d stepped into the desaturated nightmare she called a ship. He’d spent the entire ride standing rigidly in place, his knuckles nearly as pale as the walls as he clutched Connie’s hand. With how strong he was, she could only imagine how much effort he’d put into not crushing her fingers.

She knew she wasn’t much better than him most of the time when it came to interacting with the diamonds, she was likely to freeze too. But when she went stiff it wasn’t out of fear, it was because she was determined to maintain strict control over her actions and emotions. Steven’s anger could be destructive, boy could it ever, but he needed to be pushed pretty hard to get to that point to begin with. In recent years she’d found that her own rage came much more easily to her. It wasn’t that she didn’t harbor any fear towards the Diamonds, she did, but in battle she’d learned to respond to fear with anger. Pure fear on its own took control from her, robbed her limbs of their strength, and glued the soles of her feet to the ground, but anger could be empowering. When facing an enemy, it drove her to move, to act, to scream and shout and fight against whatever she was afraid of. If fear was the ice imprisoning her in a frozen cage, then anger was the fire melting the bars, fueling her ability to act. She was so sick of freezing, of being unable to do anything, of losing control, so when she felt that familiar chill creeping over her spine, she responded by letting herself burn.

Still, the fire was no good to her when there was no need to act. She would just be losing control again if she let it run wild at the wrong time. But holding it back was easier said than done. Whenever she was around the diamonds, White Diamond especially, she might as well have been made out of kindling. The heat only served her well in a time of crisis. When it came to diplomacy and cooperation, acting on her anger would only make things worse. So, she did her best to reign in those feelings around the gem matriarchs. If Steven could work with them despite his fear, then she could work with them despite her anger.

It took her group a few minutes of navigating the tunnels and ramps of the lower torso before the walls made way for the grand center room that made up the heart chamber, where White and the other diamonds were waiting for them.

All the self control in the world couldn’t snuff out the blaze that always erupted in Connie’s chest at the sight of them.

Yellow and Blue stayed seated in their respective chairs, but White stood to greet them, a strained smile on her painted face as she opened her arms in welcome. “We weren’t expecting visitors so soon!” she exclaimed, her voice as silky and as booming as ever. “Have you brought news about Steven? We’ve been so worried!”

Spinel’s pink head peeked over her shoulder, and a noodle-thin arm waved in greeting.

Connie came to a stop at the base of the center podium, where the diamond chairs were situated. “Sort of.” She waved away the cushion that a nearby gem offered her to sit on. She wasn’t planning on sticking around for too long. The ship still needed a crew to pilot it, but now it was mainly staffed by gems that had willingly volunteered for the job, and they received compensation for their work. “We have a few questions that might help him with his recovery.”

Yellow leaned back, gesturing impatiently. “Well get on with it then.”

“Whatever you need, we’ll help if we can.” Blue added, her expression softer than the other two.

“Yes of course, it’s the least we can do.” White assured, placing a hand to her chest and looking theatrically contrite.

Connie resisted the urge to grind her teeth. “Based on what we’ve found out, we think that his gem has gone inert. We were wondering how long it takes for a Diamond to recharge enough to start functioning normally again.”

The response she got wasn’t encouraging. Yellow and Blue seemed confused, and White just looked gobsmacked.

Yellow was the first to speak up. “I was unaware that diamonds _could_ go inert.”

White blinked and recovered from her shock. “Well theoretically any gem can I suppose, but a _diamond_?” She covered her mouth, and Connie half expected her to start chewing on her nails. “Surely you’re mistaken?”

Connie’s eyes narrowed but she was saved from having to respond by Amethyst. “P-dot confirmed it.” The purple gem picked her nose absently, ignoring the disgusted look she earned from the diamonds. “Did the scans and everything. After the whole transformation fiasco his gem just went ppbht, so now we’re waiting for it to start back up again. We just don’t know how long it’ll take.”

White’s lips pursed. “None of us have ever gone inert before. Diamonds can store an immense amount of power and go a long time with little to no available energy sources, otherwise I never would have-” She paused, and her eyes flickered to the smallest chair on the podium, which still went unoccupied. It had been Pink’s chair. “… In any case, there’s no way of knowing exactly how long it takes for a diamond to recharge. There’s simply no precedence.”

“Don’t you even have a guess?” Lapis pleaded, despairing at reaching a dead end so soon.

Yellow rolled her eyes. “How are we supposed to tell you something we don’t know? And why does it matter? We can just wait for his gem to restart. Knowing how long it takes won’t change anything.”

Connie let out a huff of frustration. “Because he’s running out of time as it is, so we need to know whether we should resort to desperate measures or if we can wait it out and let him recover on his own.”

“What do you mean?” Blue breathed. “Is he not alright?”

“No, he’s not.” She met the Diamond’s worried eyes with a grave look of her own. She still blamed them, though she knew Steven would probably disagree. They weren’t the only ones to blame for everything that had happened, but they had been the ones to start it all, paving the road the rest of them had travelled to get here. Maybe they were better now, but she doubted they’d ever be able to make up for everything they’d done. She wasn’t anywhere close to letting it go. If Steven couldn’t bring himself to hold a grudge, then she was more than willing to do it for him.

She turned her gaze deliberately to White. “He needs his gem to live, and his body has responded to it going inert as if it’s been removed. He’s dying.”

Yellow and Blue were openly horrified, and a ripple of unease ran through the large room as the rest of the crew broke their silence to whisper in hushed concern.

White looked like she would throw up if she had the ability to. “But- But it _hasn’t_ been removed, correct? Are you sure you’re not… Exaggerating?”

Connie’s hands clenched into tight fists, but she forced herself to relax them again. _You have to control your anger, don’t let your anger control you. I am in control._ “Well,” She replied, as calmly as she could manage, “if I knew what having his gem removed looked like I’d be able to tell you if it looks the same or not.” She levelled a glare at White, who shrunk slightly under its heat. “All I can say is that it looks bad, and both my mom and Peridot agree with me.”

“I see…” White responded, and she turned away from the visitors, hiding the guilt on her face. If a gem could sweat like a human, rather than simply projecting it, she would likely be producing a light rain by now. Good. Let her sweat.

The air grew thicker, and Blue sniffed as her eyes grew wet. “What do we do? I can’t lose Steven too, not like Pink.” Those standing closest to her leaned way, looking uneasy, but their own eyes remained dry for the moment.

Yellow snapped an agitated finger in Connie’s direction, her own expression pinched with an old, but still raw, grief. “You mentioned desperate measures. Do you have a plan?”

“We’re working on it, but we don’t know how much time we can buy him. That’s why we wanted to know how long we might need to hold out for.”

“Then we will work on coming up with as solution as well. You!” She pointed at a nearby pearl, a beige one with slicked back hair. Her gem sat in place of her right eye. “Gather as many engineers as we can spare and start looking into gem recharging. Please.”

“Yes ma’am.” The Pearl nodded, and she took off down a side tunnel at full stride.

It had taken Steven a long time to get regular gems to stop addressing him and the three former despots as “My diamond”, but to his relief it had sunk in eventually. He was still working on getting the diamonds to use names, or at least facet numbers, instead of just referring to everyone as “you”, but they were saying please and thank you now, so he was at least making progress.

Yellow turned to White, who was still facing away with her shoulders hunched. “You’re the oldest of us, is there anything you can remember about diamond systems that might help?”

White jumped and twisted around to blink at her. “Right, of course.” She visibly gathered herself. “I don’t think it would take long for him to recharge, since not only do diamonds lose energy at a slower rate than other gems, we also absorb it more quickly. But, well, I suppose our perception of time doesn’t always line up with humans.”

Connie considered this for a moment. “How long do other gems usually take to recharge?”

“Maybe… Somewhere around the length of an earth week?”

A week or less then. That was… Not ideal, but it could be worse. If the answer had been a month there likely wouldn’t have been anything they could do.

Yellow reached over to pat Blue Diamond’s hands where she had twisted them into the fold of her dress. “See Blue? There’s still a chance Steven will be fine.”

Blue gave another small sniffle, dabbing at her tears with her sleeves. “I hope so.” She sent a mournful look at Connie’s group. “When will we be allowed to visit him?”

Amethyst grimaced. “Uh, not any time soon. He’s not even able to take human visitors, so uh, no offence, but I’m pretty sure he’d just start freaking out again if he had to deal with you guys right now.”

“Oh…” Blue’s posture managed to droop even further. Yellow folded her arms and looked away with a mix of offense and grudging resignation, and White carefully constructed a blank expression.

“What about me?” Spinel chirped, finally joining the conversation. “I uh, I kinda wanted to apologize to him again, you know, for the whole tryin’ to destroy earth thing. I wouldn’t wanna leave things on such an ugly note if he did end up kicking the bucket.” She was wringing her hands as she perched on top of White Diamond’s head, her pigtails sagging comically.

“He’s not going to kick the bucket!” Lapis snapped, and Connie had to grip her shoulder to keep her on the ground. This sort of conversation was always easier when Steven was with her, he was a calming presence in almost any situation, but she couldn’t rely on him right now. It was her turn to keep things together for once.

Amethyst didn’t seem as bothered by Spinel’s bluntness, at least not openly. She just rested a hand on one hip with a sigh. “Nuh uh, Greg said no visitors, so no visitors. Crystal gems and Maheswarans only, everybody else has to wait. Steven might still go monster again if he’s too freaked out, so the less we freak him out the better.”

Spinel kicked her feet in disappointment. “Oh.”

White reached up to scoop Spinel off her head, cradling the smaller gem to her chest. “We will wait.” She agreed, despite the reluctance in her voice. “We can send a messenger if we discover anything else, but for now… Will you at least tell us if anything changes?” She met Connie’s gaze once more, her voice laced with more sincerity and less theatrics this time.

Connie kept silent, but Amethyst shrugged. “Yeah I guess we can give you a heads up.” She muttered. “Just don’t come barging in unannounced.”

With nothing left to be said, they exchanged awkward goodbyes, but as Connie’s group made their way back down the tunnel they’d entered through she could feel White Diamond’s eyes following her. Even after turning a few corners and going down a few levels, the weight of that stare continued to press against her spine. She wouldn’t have been surprised if White could see through the walls of the ship.

Eventually they made it out, and relief washed over her when they finally stepped onto the beach again.

Lapis nudged her shoulder. “What do we do now?”

“Take care of Steven.” She replied, trying to project more confidence into her voice than she felt. They hadn’t come out completely empty handed, but she had hoped the Diamonds would have a bit more to offer. A week was a long time.

They trekked back towards the house. Amethyst had adopted her usual uncaring posture, hands behind her head as she kicked sand with each step. “Maybe when he wakes up we can play cards or something, I bet that’d cheer him up. Have you ever played cards Lap?” She slowed and looked back when she realized Lapis had stopped walking. “Lapis?”

“Why is _she_ here?”

They followed Lapis’ glare to the area below the house, where a familiar orange gem was leaning against a piece of rubble. Jasper had spotted them as well, judging by the equally sour look she was giving their group.

“Ugh, really?” Amethyst groaned. “Hey! Shoo! Get outta here! No visitors!”

Jasper didn’t budge. “I don’t take orders from you. I’m staying here to keep other earthlings from approaching.” She sneered. “You can try to move me if you want, but I doubt you’d manage it.”

Amethyst rolled her eyes, more than used to the large quartz’s attitude by now.

Lapis took a menacing step forward. “Bet _I_ could make you move.” The nearby waves surged further up the beach, punctuating her threat.

Jasper glared for a moment before looking away. Lapis was one of the few people she gave any ground to. She still hadn’t moved though. “You can take it up with the human inside. He’s the one who wanted me to guard the building.”

“Or I can toss you a few miles out to sea and not have to deal with you at all.”

“Wait.” Connie stepped in front of her. “I understand how you feel, but if Steven’s dad asked her to do this then it might be for a good reason.”

Lapis’ lip curled in frustration. “Fine, then I’ll talk to him.” She spread her wings and took off towards the house.

Jasper didn’t stop them from following the blue gem, she just scanned the beach diligently and ignored them as they passed. Connie could easily say she disliked the diamonds, but to be honest she had no idea what to think of the quartz soldier.

“Figures.” Amethyst grumbled. “Before we couldn’t get her to stick around, now we can’t get rid of her. Hypocrite.”

Connie just sighed. They could only hope that Jasper wouldn’t cause any more issues down the line.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

The pizza they’d gotten from Kofi meant that Pearl didn’t have to prepare lunch, so Greg had popped it into the fridge for when Steven woke up and offered to help her with any chores that needed to be done.

“Well, I suppose there is some laundry.” She admitted. She spared a nervous glance towards Steven, but Peridot and Garnet were still with him. There was no danger in warping up to the laundry machines, so they did just that, lugging what little Steven had dirtied before everything came crashing down. They also dragged along a load of Greg’s clothes that he’d grabbed from his van.

Together they worked in silence, pinning up any wet clothes that weren’t dryer safe, and putting the dirty clothes in the washer. When that was done they sat to fold the previously dried stuff that had been forgotten in the machine during all the recent chaos.

It had taken some time for them both to come to terms with some things, but they’d somehow managed to build a friendship where there had once been resentment, jealousy, guilt, and grief. He really did like Pearl. She cared deeply for Steven, and for Rose, and he couldn’t bring himself to dislike anyone who cared so much about the same people he cared about.

But even now that they were friendly with each other, they were still very different people. They occasionally bonded over music, and he enjoyed giving her bass lessons, but beyond that there wasn’t much they had to talk about even if they enjoyed each other's company. Aside from Steven of course.

After a few minutes of working Pearl bit her lip and glanced at him for a moment before looking back down at her lap. “Do you ever regret it?” she asked hesitantly.

He paused. “Regret what?”

“… Leaving Steven with us. Do you regret it?” One of her thumbs rubbed over the star on the front of the shirt she’d been folding. Greg had lent a bunch of his old band merch to Steven, thinking they’d eventually buy clothes with more variety in time, but Steven had been so enamoured by the gift that he’d refused to wear anything else. So Greg had continued to make more whenever his son grew out of the previous ones, making sure to provide a variety of sizes and colours.

His eyes were glued to the shirt in Pearl’s hands as he grasped for an answer. It was so much easier to think of Steven’s giddy response to a new stack of Mr. Universe merchandise than it was to think about the implications of the question. “I don’t know.” He confessed. “I’ve thought about it, but… He wanted to live with you guys so badly. And…” As always, the memory of the cluster reared its ugly head. If Steven hadn’t gone to live with the gems the earth would have been destroyed, that was an unavoidable fact. But did a fortunate coincidence justify everything else? “And, well, he loves you guys so much.” He sighed, looking down at the shirt in his own lap. It was one of the old pink ones, kept and washed by Pearl as a keepsake. She was always careful to protect them from getting musty in storage. “I think what I regret is that I didn’t move in with him.”

Her expression constricted. “And that was my fault, wasn’t it?”

“Nah.” He set the clothing aside. “You weren’t the reason I stayed away. Well, you weren’t the only reason at least. I’m not gonna lie, that was a factor, but a big part of it was my own insecurity. If I thought it was the right thing to do, I could have put my foot down and insisted on living with you guys too.”

Pearl's brows drew together in confusion as she looked back up at him.

He turned away, finding her scrutiny too intense. “Instead I convinced myself I needed to keep my distance from that part of his life. He was a gem, he needed to learn about that from you guys, but I was just a human. He didn’t need his bumbling old dad getting in the way of his magical destiny, right?” And what sort of bullshit that had been. Destiny. An excuse to look the other way because of some arbitrary assumption that Steven was meant to do something or become someone. “And then Connie showed up. She’s just as human as I am but she got involved with that stuff so easily.”

Pearl gave a small smile at that. “She insisted apparently, told him she wanted to be a part of his universe.”

It was meant as a fond comment about her pupil, but it twisted a knife in Greg’s gut that he’d forgotten was there. “Yeah well, she really showed me up. What kind of dad does that make me? I just handed him over and stood back. Steven had to take responsibility for an entire alien race, and I can’t even take responsibility for my own son.” Suddenly he didn’t feel like doing laundry anymore. He stood, stepping back onto the warp pad. There wasn’t much of the laundry left, so Pearl could handle the rest. He should be checking on Steven or finding something more useful to do.

Pearl scrambled to her feet. “Now wait just a moment Greg. You’re being too hard on yourself!” She grabbed his arm to stop him. “None of us handled things the right way…” She floundered, searching for the right thing to say. “But Steven always told us that nobody can be perfect all the time. He’d use that hot dog saying you taught him, the one with the pork chops.”

He pulled away. “Yeah well, sometimes a bad pork chop just makes a bad hot dog.” He wasn’t sure where the sudden surge of negativity had appeared from, but it had burrowed into his chest and didn’t want to come out. His son was dying, and only so much positivity and optimism could shield him from that. He fished his warp whistle out of his pocket and blew a harsh note, letting the beams of light carry him back into the house. He could sense Pearl following alongside him. Guess the laundry would wait.

She was already speaking again as they settled back on the house warp, her voice reedy and insistent. “Where is this coming from all of a sudden?” She put her hands on her hips, her sharp elbows jutting out like chicken wings as she gave him an indignant look.

“I’m just… Not in a good mood right now, okay? Lets just drop it.”

They got some looks from the others with their dramatic entrance. Bismuth had returned at some point, and she was leaning on one of the counters next to Garnet, frozen mid-conversation.

Pearl obviously had no intention of dropping anything, but Garnet interrupted before she could get going again. “That’s enough. You’ll wake up Steven if you start an argument.”

Pearl puffed herself up further, but she didn’t push her luck, turning away with a huff instead.

Garnet’s stare returned to Greg, dressing him down without a word, and he wilted. Things hadn’t taken long to start falling apart again. Barely an hour ago they’d all been determined to work together, uplifted by the promise of finding some sort of solution and doing something useful. How had it gone downhill so quickly?

Right, they’d once again made the mistake of getting caught in the riptide of blame and self recrimination. His agitation drained out of him, replaced by regret. This wasn’t helping Steven.

Peridot was tinkering around with her scanner, but she paid him no mind as he sat down next to his son and brushed away a few flyaway hairs, taking a moment to stop and collect himself. Seeing Steven’s chest rise and fall with each soft breath helped to sooth some of the anxiety that had been building since the news about his health. They still had time. He needed to keep it together.

Of course, that was the moment Lapis swooped in. the look on her face was thunderous.

“What is she doing here!?” She hissed, standing over him with spread wings, like an avenging angle come to smite him. He’d never say it out loud, but she reminded him of Jasper in that moment.

Maybe he could play dumb, drag things out a bit before he had to deal with another problem. “Who?”

“Jasper!”

Okay, that bought him about two seconds. “Um, guarding the house?”

“If that’s all she’s here for then I can guard the house myself. I don’t want her anywhere near Steven right now.” Her expression softened dramatically as she shifted her gaze to the sleeping boy, but it hardened again when she returned to looking at Greg. Her favouritism had never been something she was interested in hiding, and few people got as much lee-way from her as Steven. Only him and Peridot had that privilege. Sure, she was friendly enough most of the time, but she didn’t pull any punches when someone earned her ire. And when it came to Jasper her anger always had a chance of spilling over and getting other people wet. At least she only lashed out verbally these days. One broken leg was enough.

He knew her fury wasn’t really directed at him, but she wasn’t going to like his answer all the same. “That’s why I made the deal. She was going to, um…” It probably wouldn’t help if Lapis ripped Jasper limb from limb, so he stopped himself from telling her about the attempted kidnapping. “She would have kept trying to see him, and we were getting so many visitors. Steven isn’t ready for that yet. This way we can try to keep her occupied until he’s better, and she can keep the townsfolk away. Besides, I don’t think she’s all that dangerous to him anymore.” If anything, it was the other way around. Everybody in the house had heard about Jasper’s shattering by now, one way or another. It was a sensitive topic for Steven, as shown by his extreme reaction the night before, and they all wanted to avoid anyone stepping on that landmine if possible.

Lapis deflated a bit, her anger morphing to frustration. “You don’t know her like I do. She’s not going to just keep her distance and wait for permission if she wants to see him. He’s the only person she’ll be willing to listen to, and she’s just going to wait until she has an opportunity or excuse to march right back in here. If something happens… I don’t care about _her_ , but it would tear Steven apart.”

He knew that was a possibility, but he also knew that whatever her preferred solution was it wouldn’t be Steven approved.

Garnet stepped forward, providing some much needed support. “We’ll deal with that when it happens, but you can’t just chuck her off the edge of the pier.”

Lapis’s wings drooped, slowly retracting into her gem. “Why not?” She asked petulantly, but it was a rhetorical question. They all knew why. Even if Jasper wouldn’t be hurt by a brief swim to shore, Steven would likely be gutted if anything else was done to her because of him.

Thankfully, the discussion was cut short by Connie and Amethyst wandering in. Greg looked to them with hopeful eyes. “Any news?”

Connie shrugged. “They’ve got their engineers looking into it. Since none of them had ever gone inert before they didn’t know how it worked for diamonds exactly. They guessed that it might take a week or less, but they’re not sure.”

The soothing effect of his son’s sleeping face was swept away by a fresh wave of anxiety. A week went by so quickly on tour, but with Steven’s life at stake right now it felt like an eternity. He put his head in his hands and exhaled roughly. He hoped the doctor returned soon. Having a professional close by would provide some extra reassurance at least.

As if on cue Priyanka strode through the doorway, looking harried. “I don’t know who that gem is outside, but she was _very_ rude.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Steven woke slowly, pushing back against the tug of consciousness. The tide of his thoughts seemed to ebb and flow, like the inside of his head was a fishbowl, and his brain was a fish along for the ride. If he moved too suddenly the water sloshed around, splashing against the back of his eyes and spilling out his ears. Yet if he kept still, the surface stayed calm, and he could swim around more easily in the confines of his own mind. But someone was shaking him and calling his name. Sound didn’t travel as far through water, which would explain why everything felt so muffled around him. A hand on his arm, a soft voice in his ear. He shifted and his eyes fluttered open without his permission. Something pressed to his forehead.

“His temperature has risen a bit.” A figure stood over him, their features melding with the background as he squinted against the clinging tendrils of sleep. “Steven, can you hear me? I need you to wake up for a moment, okay? I’m putting you on an IV.”

The blobs crowding around him started to take on more distinct shapes. His dad’s worried face, Garnet’s visor, Dr. Maheswaran’s fingers curled around his left wrist.

Things hadn’t felt this fuzzy the last time he’d woken up. Maybe taking a nap had been a bad idea, since it only seemed to have made him more tired than he already was. He raised his free hand to rub at his eyelids. “M’up.” He mumbled, mostly sure it was true, and with some help from the grip on his arm he was able to struggle into a seated position. Once he was sure he wouldn’t fall back over and embarrass himself he let the doctor tug his wrist closer.

She pulled some supplies out of her bag, swabbing his skin with something that burned his nose. She then grabbed a package from one of her pockets and ripped it open to reveal a strange needle with funny looking wings and a blue tip. He only realized as she moved to insert it that he’d never had a needle used on him before, but he didn’t have time for second thoughts before she was pushing it into his skin. The feeling was startling, like a shock going up his arm, and the rest of his sleepiness was washed away by a rush of unease. He couldn’t hold back a flinch.

Dr. Maheswaran gave him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, it can sting a bit.”

“It didn’t sting.” He reassured her. “It just felt… Weird. Sorry.” He watched in fascination as red seeped into a chamber at the back. His own blood. It had occurred to him recently how rarely he saw it anymore.

The doctor did something confusing with part of the needle, pushing one section forward as she pulled the blood filled part back and out, taking the sharp metal segment with it. All that was left was the blue bit, attached to a tube that remained inserted into his wrist. She quickly taped everything in place. “There, the hard part is over with.” She patted his shoulder before reaching for something nearby, rolling it over on smooth wheels. He recognised one of the poles that held bags of stuff in medical shows. Sure enough, he had a bag of his own hooked onto one of the top bars, filled with clear liquid. A tube trailed from the bottom of it, and the other end had already been connected to the blue thing inserted in his wrist at some point when he wasn’t looking. She fiddled with a weirdly shaped chunk of plastic that was attached partway along the tube, and a cool sensation spread down his arm.

“I didn’t manage to grab an electric pump,” she explained when she spotted his curious expression, “so I’ll have to adjust the flow manually. If you start to feel worse, like if you start getting anxious, or if your head hurts, or if you have trouble breathing, let me know. Just make sure not to jostle the catheter too much.”

He nodded, settling his arm on his lap gingerly. The prickle of something under his skin was difficult to ignore, and the uneasiness swelled in his chest at the feeling of _wrong, bad, take it out_ , but he ignored the urge to pick at it. He was just like a patient in an episode of under The Knife. That was exciting, wasn’t it? Despite his attempts to reassure himself with that idea, it didn’t help as much as he wanted it to. Was this what she meant when she mentioned anxiety? He’d had the IV for less than a minute, so it couldn’t have done something to him so soon, right? How would he be able to tell when something was wrong if he already felt bad? She had said to let her know if he felt worse, so maybe he was just supposed to use his current state as a baseline?

Dr. Maheswaran had pulled away to talk to his dad, and Amethyst moved in to take her place. “Hey dude. Since you’re awake, wanna play cards?”

He doubted he’d be able to go back to sleep anytime soon with the IV distracting him, so he nodded. “… Sure.”

“Kay. Connie and Lapis are gonna play too.”

Bismuth sidled up next to them. “I’ll join ya. I’m still waiting on a delivery anyway before I put up your door, so there’s nothin’ for me to do right now.”

They didn’t seem to need his input to set things up, so he sat and watched as they pulled the coffee table back out from wherever it had been stashed away and dumped a bunch of decks onto it. He must have missed what the name of the game was, because at some point they’d started doling out cards, yet he still didn’t know what they were playing. Connie sat down next to him on the couch, her knees brushing against his as she shuffled closer, and what little focus he had went spiralling down the drain, leaving the fish in his head flopping around on the sand.

He didn’t bother trying to recognise the rules, or remember them when he managed to hear one, he just let Connie tell him what to do and which cards to play. It was apparently a team game anyway, three against two. At some point a slice of vegetarian pizza was placed in front of him and he did his best to nibble on it, though his appetite hadn’t improved. If anything, it was worse, as if the chilly tendrils moving down his left arm had reached into his stomach and started slowly stirring the contents. But someone had made the pizza for him, and he didn’t want to waste it. Especially since they’d remembered that he was vegetarian this time. Though, did he even count as a vegetarian anymore? Or was he a pescatarian now? That sort of thought would bring him down a road he wasn’t ready to travel yet, so he shoved another piece of pizza into his mouth and distracted himself with the effort of forcing it down his throat.

“Play your ace Steven, we want to get a lower score than them this round.”

He tugged at the cards in his hand, trying to unstick the ace from one of his queens. Static buildup had glued them tightly together. As he struggled with them, voices drifted over from the kitchen table, catching his attention.

“What do you think?” Greg leaned forward in his chair, squeezing his hands together tightly as he studied Dr. Maheswaran’s expression.

She rubbed at her temple. “A week is… Longer than I’d hoped for.”

“They said it could be less than a week, right? So maybe…” He trailed off, swallowing.

“We shouldn’t act based on a best case scenario.” She gently reproached. “It’s better to plan for a full week just in case. If it takes less time, that would be great, but if it doesn’t, we need to be prepared.”

“Does that mean you think you can do it?” There was desperation in his eyes.

She sighed. “I can try, but his most recent scans are… Troubling.”

“Troubling? Troubling how?”

Peridot piped up from the head of the table. “The rate of deterioration has been steadily increasing. It’s already progressing nearly twice as fast as when we first discovered it.”

The doctor gave him a solemn look. “I hate to suggest it, but if worst comes to worst we may have to take him to-”

An arm crossed in front of Steven’s vision as Connie reached for his hand. “Here, let me help.” She offered, deftly sliding the cards apart and plucking the ace out. She placed it face up it in the proper spot on the table. Right, the game. He struggled to regain focus, but the discussion continued to buzz in his head.

“… -ke sure he doesn’t hear you say that.” Greg glanced over nervously.

“Right, sorry. My point is, those are the only options I can give you, it’s your choice to make. I know you were against it before, but things are getting more desperate. It’s worth considering.”

“… I know. I- I just need some time to think…”

Garnet cut in. “We don’t have much time left.” She was standing across from Peridot, her arms crossed. She sounded grim.

“What? What do you mean?” Pearl’s hands fluttered over the surface of the table. Her eyes were bright with the threat of tears. “What’s going to happen?”

“I don’t know, but I when I try to look forward at some point Steven is just…” The fusion lowered her head. “Gone.”

Dr. Maheswaran looked resigned at the news. “Then we need to do something soon.”

“Wait, wait. This is all happening so fast, I…” Greg gripped at his hair. “How- how far forward?”

“Not far.”

He smacked a frustrated fist against the table. “That doesn’t tell me anything!”

“Panicking won’t help.” Garnet replied, her voice laced with forceful authority. It was a tone she often wielded when she was trying to get a grip on a situation that was quickly escaping her.

Greg’s chair scraped across the floor as he leapt to his feet. “That’s easy for you to say!”

Her lips twisted. “It really isn’t.”

“GUYS!”

Everyone in the room jumped at Amethyst’s shout. She had dropped her hand and turned to scowl at the others across the room. “We’re trying to play cards over here, could you keep it down?!”

The group in the kitchen exchanged sheepish looks. Connie’s mom let out a ragged breath and nodded. “Sorry. We’ll try to be quieter.”

Amethyst turned back to the game, but the glower didn’t leave her face, and the atmosphere around the table had chilled considerably.

“Your turn Steven.” Bismuth prompted softly.

He stared blankly at his cards. “I… Um…”

Connie pointed one out for him kindly. “You need to play the jack next.”

Which one was the jack again? He was supposed to make his move, but the text on each shiny slice of paper had grown difficult to decipher. Letters twisted and curled, filling his vision with red and black. He dropped them to the table, blinking. He wasn’t sure how long they’d been playing, but the shadows in the house had stretched, and the light had turned warmer. It filled the room with oranges and reds, cutting stripes across the floor where wooden beams interrupted the path of the sun’s rays.

“Is something wrong?” Amethyst was peering at him, her own cards abandoned again as her face pinched with concern. 

“Sorry I’m just… Tired, I think.”

“Again??”

Bismuth punched her in the arm.

“Ow!”

Connie dropped her hand as well. “If you need to sleep some more we don’t mind stopping.”

Sleep… No, he couldn’t sleep. Not with that thing in his wrist. The muscles of his face moved on autopilot, constructing a smile. “I don’t mind watching.”

She frowned but didn’t argue, and with one last glace at him they returned to their game. He spared a thought for the possibility that he’d left Connie at a disadvantage, but she seemed to be doing fine by utilizing his hand as well as her own.

He let the shuffle of cards and murmur of discussion wash over him, and for a small while he was able to relax, drifting in the current of their words. Connie’s dark hair spread across her shoulders in waves, and her skin shone richly as it reflected the dimming light. She was pocked with the occasional scar, a divot beneath an eyebrow, or a thin slice across the bridge of her nose; they decorated her with a map of her adventures. Her cheeks dimpled as she chuckled at something Amethyst said.

A memory invaded his thoughts uninvited, superimposing itself over the current scene. She’d let out a similar chuckle, gifted it to him as they strolled hand in hand along the beach. The bracelet sat heavy in his pocket. It was a memory that stung, abruptly and viciously, made more bitter by how sweet it was. That day had not ended with laughter.

The voices around him were no longer relaxing. They jangled harshly like the keys to his dad’s van, sitting at an angle as glass fell around him. A horn blaring, then squawking into broken silence. He wasn’t in his dad’s overturned vehicle, he was in his living room, but he felt like he’d crashed all the same.

Something brushed across his forehead and he startled. His dad had come over to the couch at some point, and had stretched out a hand towards his head, as if to pat his hair. Now it hovered awkwardly as Greg’s face creased with worry. “Hey bud, you’re looking a bit pale… How’re you feeling?” Despite his attempt at being calm, stress still wrinkled the space between his eyes, and his hair was defying gravity in ways never seen before. Steven tried to anchor himself on the familiarity of his dad’s presence, but it wasn’t offering the same support it usually did. Instead it was stifling, making him feel cornered.

He opened his mouth, remembering after an uncomfortable pause that he should probably answer. “I feel-” _Wrong_. His teeth clicked shut, grazing the tip of his tongue and sending a spark of pain through his mouth. The others had paused their game to stare at him.

He gripped at the blanket draped over his knees, seized by the sudden need to push it off. When had it gotten so warm in here? “… I’m too hot.” He finally managed to reply. His voice was a thousand miles away.

“Oh, well, that’s probably the fever.” Greg lowered his hand gingerly to Steven’s shoulder, his comforting smile wobbling around the edges. “Do you want something to drink?” He looked back towards the kitchen. “Can he drink stuff when he’s on an IV?” He asked Dr. Maheswaran.

“I’m not thirsty.” Steven insisted before she could reply. His mouth was dry, ashes coated his tongue and ran down his throat, but the thought of eating or drinking anything brought back his dear old friend nausea. He was afraid of losing what little amount of pizza he’d managed to force down.

The blanket had been removed, dropped to pool around his legs, and now he wanted to get rid of the IV in his arm as well. It itched and nibbled at his awareness. But Connie’s mom had just put it in not that long ago, and he would feel bad if he ruined her hard work. The touch on his shoulder wasn’t welcome either, but it was his dad. He couldn’t push away his dad.

“Steven, are you okay?”

So many people were crowded around him right now. Even the other side of the house felt too close for comfort, sparking a rush of claustrophobia. “Um, I’m-” He tried to offer reassurance, but it was quickly dawning on him that he was very much _not_ okay. At some point something had gone crooked in his head. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment that it had happened, but his instincts were telling him that something was horribly wrong.

He tried to curl up, pulling his knees closer to protect his stomach, but the fabric of his pajama pants brushed against the surface of his gem and that was no good, so he put them back down again. He settled for laying the fingers of his right hand over the surface of his diamond like a shield. Dr. Maheswaran’s eyebrows were drawn together as she watched him fidget. She stood and walked over to check the IV, but apparently it didn’t provide any clarity, because the lines in her face had only deepened when she turned back to him.

“Steven?”

“I…”

He wasn’t okay, but he didn’t know what to tell them because at that moment he didn’t know what was happening or how to explain it.

It all just felt wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

“I- I don’t feel good.” He gasped.

Greg paled. “Okay… It- It’s going to be okay Steven. Just… stay calm…”

He tried, but the air had grown thick with static, crackling in his lungs and making it difficult to catch his breath. His heart was a popcorn machine in his chest, pop, pop, pop, pelting the back of his throat with kernels.

Dr. Maheswaran reached for the IV again, pulling something else out of her pocket. Another needle.

Wrong. Bad.

_Take it out._

Steven shuddered, twisting away from his dad and clawing at his wrist, prying at the tape when the catheter resisted his tugging. Someone gripped his arm and pulled his hand back before he could dislodge anything.

“Woah, you can’t do that bud. You gotta let the doc do her thing.”

“I need to take it out.”

“I know it’s not fun, but you have to leave it alone”

He let out a growl of frustration. It built to a rumble that rolled from his chest, vibrating the air around him. The room froze at the sound, and his dad flinched away, eyes wide.

The doctor’s expression went flat, and she pushed the needle into a port on the tube, injecting it into the feed. “I’m sedating him. Hold him still, so he doesn’t pull the line out.”

Lapis took his dad’s place and pinned his arms to his sides before he could reach for the IV again. He tried to struggle against her, but her grip on him was like iron. He thrashed desperately, and a tearing sensation shot up his wrist as something warm seeped over his skin.

“I said hold him!” Dr. Maheswaran snapped.

“I’m trying, okay! He’s really strong!”

“Do you think he’s relapsing?” Pearl asked anxiously.

“I don’t know!” Blue took over his field of view as more weight was put into holding him still. “Is that stuff working?”

“It’ll take a few seconds.”

As the doctor replied the chill running up his arm was replaced by a line of fire. He yelped at the pain. “S- Stop!”

“Priyanka do something!!”

“I’m trying!”

Everything was starting to spin around him. He’d been pushed onto his back at some point, and the fabric of the couch scraped against the hypersensitive skin around his spine. He arched, trying to escape, but the cushions hindered his movement.

“Steven it’s okay.” Lapis loomed over him, pressing down on him in an attempt to limit his movement. He was reminded vividly of her shackles dragging him down, down, into the water. “We’re trying to help you!”

Everything was whirling around him too quickly to process. So many scared faces blurred across his vision in wheeling parodies of his friends and family. They didn’t understand. “I need… I need to….”

“Need to what?”

“Guy’s look at his gem!” Peridot had pointed a quivering finger, her visor askew. There was a collective gasp, and his eyes darted down, fear prickling in his chest.

Deep in the center of the diamond was a pinprick of red light, pulsing like a hot coal in a fire pit. His gem had never changed colour before. It had always been bright Pink, living up to its namesake. But this, this wasn’t right. As they watched the red intensified slowly, and lines of glowing crimson began to creep out over his skin. He pushed harder against the person keeping him trapped. He was running out of time!

Lapis tightened her grip, wrestling with him. “Steven, stop!”

“Oh god, what’s wrong with it?” Greg’s voice was thin and terrified, and before anyone could react, one of his hands reached for Steven’s stomach. He probably only intended to offer a soothing touch, like when he used to run a gentle thumb over band-aids, casting a father’s spell to ease some of the pain. That was before his son had stopped coming back home with scraped knees and scabbed elbows, before his skin had learned to stitch itself back together so no one was ever the wiser.

“Greg, wait!” Connie surged forward, trying to stop him, but the damage was done. A finger brushed across the center facet of Steven’s gem. Unexpected, unwanted.

Wrong.

 _“DON’T TOUCH ME!!”_ He shrieked, bucking against Lapis’ hold with every last ounce of strength he had left. Black nails were reaching down, scooping him out like a rotten pumpkin and dumping his innards on the ground. The memory rushed in through the hole those nails had left, filling his head with a roar and tearing apart the last of his composure. A fishbowl was no match for the ocean.

As if in response to his rising hysteria, his gem flashed blindingly, flickering once, twice, before sparking to life a final time. It hummed in his belly like a live wire, and everyone jerked back, shielding their eyes.

_Take it out._

Lapis’s grasp on him loosened as she turned her face away. He took the chance to wrench his right hand from her grasp, finally free to grab the IV and rip it from his arm. Hot blood speckled across his face. It dotted the couch and his body with blooms of dark red, painting him in copper roses.

“Fuck!” Lapis scrambled to pin him again, accompanied by a few extra sets of hands as the others recovered their wits and joined in the struggle. He heaved, desperation and the element of surprise allowing him to shove the blue gem off of him and onto the floor. More people still grasped at him, their frantic voices competing with each other, but his own hands were free for the moment, and that was all he needed.

_Take it out._

His fingers dug in around the edges of his gem, his own touch a balm compared to the invasive one from earlier. The glow continued to seep outward like lava in one of Bismuth’s designs. It burned like lava too, but the pain grew more distant when he tightened his grip.

As if a switch had been flipped, a wave of calm descended over him. He knew what he had to do.

_Take. It. Out._

He pulled, and his diamond slid silently out of his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:3c
> 
> Art by me! If you'd like, you can check out more of my stuff here: http://infriga.tumblr.com/tagged/fanart
> 
> Comments are greatly loved and appreciated! I read every single one, usually multiple times haha. If I don't reply it's usually because I'm shy and I don't know what to say, but I'm grateful for every single one!


	6. Leading Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leading Lights: A pair of lights which indicate a safe course as long as they align with each other. If they start to drift out of alignment, your ship could be sailing into danger.

Connie still had nightmares about it sometimes.

She didn’t have them as often now compared to the first few weeks, but for a while she’d seen them almost every night for months: A large pale hand reaching down to pick Steven up and carry him away from her. White grinning in morbid fascination, as if she was a toddler holding a bug. Pearl’s grip pinning Connie in place, keeping her trapped no matter how hard she struggled to try and help him. Screaming. Then…

In her dreams, he fell, and she could never catch him. His body always made such a horrible noise when it hit the ground.

There was no scream this time, no falling body and nobody holding her back, yet she was still stuck, frozen and horrified as Steven held his gem above him like some sort of macabre prize he'd won at the amusement park.

He went limp, and his fingers slid from the diamond. Even with the loss of support it continued to hover in the air, pulsing with a red glow that cast angry shadows across the room. After a beat of dumbfounded silence, it drifted forward, prompting everyone to back away.

There was a wave of static charge that lifted the hairs on Connie’s arms, and Steven’s voice buzzed from his gem. It was echoing and hollow, an emotionless imitation of the real thing. _“Core System Removal Completed Successfully. Commencing Emergency Reboot Sequence... Please Stand by.”_

A white glow flowed out from the surface of the gem, just like the last time she had lived through this horrifying situation, and it quickly took on the towering form of a woman; a spectre of the original Pink Diamond, rendered in silhouette. There was a collective murmur as everyone recognised who it was, but they didn’t have much time to react before it changed again, to the shape of someone Connie only recognised from a picture that used to hang on the wall. The billowing fringe of a dress drifted in an imaginary current, and Pearl let out a wounded noise, accompanied by a harsh gasp from Greg. Then the light was reforming a third time, retreating into the comfortable and familiar shape of Steven himself, a sight that brought aching relief as the glow faded. He descended, his feet coming to rest weightlessly on the floor, and settled into an alert stance, facing the room with a blank expression.

He was pink from head to toe, pale and alien compared to the original. He stared at them unblinkingly for a moment, then turned his attention away, head swivelling slowly to look at the body behind him. The Steven on the couch had closed his eyes, as pale and sickly as ever, and Connie had to grapple with the terrifying feeling of deja vu when she saw how motionless he was. After a brief assessment, the diamond’s gaze returned to them. She could sense a wariness in the air around him, despite the lack of clear emotion, and the others must have sensed it too because nobody moved any closer.

His appearance had changed a bit since the last time she’d seen him. And it wasn’t just that he looked older, which was to be expected. His hair was mussed, like he’d been stuck outside on a windy day, and his left eye had the unmistakable shape of a diamond in place of the pupil while the right eye remained dull and empty. He was fully dressed, clad in a monochromatic version of his usual outfit, despite the fact his body had only been wearing an old pair of pajama pants. And every so often he seemed to flicker around the edges.

“… Steven?” Greg’s voice shook. “What’s going on? Why are there two of you?”

Gem Steven focused on his father, looking straight through him. There was recognition, but no acknowledgement. “Fatal System Error.” He announced. His voice was still Steven’s, but it was flat and cold, lacking the life that they were so used to hearing. There was a flash of wickedly pointed teeth as he spoke.

Greg blinked. “Wh- What…”

Connie finally managed to gather up the courage to step forward, though her legs felt like jelly underneath her. “That’s his gem. This… This happened once before, a few years ago. His gem got taken out and it reformed on its own.” _Sorry Steven,_ she thought regretfully, _I don’t have much of a choice here, I have to tell them._ She hoped he would understand.

The response she got was predictable. “His gem got taken out!?” Pearl practically shrieked. Amethyst stumbled over to lean against a horrified Garnet for support as her knees threatened to give out, and Greg looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack. He directed a stricken look at Connie.

The betrayal in his gaze stung. “He didn’t want you guys to know.” She mumbled, knowing her excuse wouldn’t make them feel any better but feeling like she had to offer it anyways.

Her mother cautiously approached Steven’s body. He hadn’t moved since he’d pulled his gem out, which was worrying, but before she could get close gem Steven stepped between her and the couch with a raised hand and a warning glare.

She stopped and backed up a step, unsettled. “I’m only trying to help.”

He didn’t budge, just kept his arm held out in front of him in a silent command to maintain distance.

“Steven, why did you remove your gem?” Connie asked, trying to project a calmness she didn’t feel as he turned his attention on her.

Some of the hostility faded from his posture when he recognised who she was. “Fatal System Error.” He repeated. “Auxiliary System unable to sustain load requirements.”

She frowned. “I don’t understand.”

The others were similarly puzzled. Peridot had removed her visor, and it hung loosely in her grip as she studied both Stevens intently. “Gems don’t have an auxiliary system. They only have one core system, their gem.” Her eyes drifted between them. “But… Steven isn’t just a gem...”

The diamond said nothing, watching them with the same distant lack of expression.

Priyanka spoke up again. “You said something about an emergency reboot.”

His other hand had come to rest on his body’s leg, gripping it loosely as if it anchored him somehow. He lowered his arm when she made no other move to get closer.

“What did you mean by emergency?” She prompted when he didn’t reply. “Is there something wrong?”

He pointed a finger at the discarded IV where it had landed on the floor. “Foreign body detected.”

“I see…” She rubbed at her chin thoughtfully. “I guess you were reacting to a perceived threat. But why did you separate, instead of just activating?”

“Auxiliary System unable to sustain load requirements.”

She pursed her lips. “So you’ve said. Load requirements for what?”

“Emergency Reboot sequence.”

“Okay. If you were capable of booting up in an emergency, why didn’t you do it before?” She gestured at the body on the couch. “Steven’s safety was already at risk.”

He seemed to consider before responding, as if he had to parse through something that was difficult to explain out loud. “… Core supply insufficient for regular boot sequence. Auxiliary supply would be required.”

“So then why do the emergency reboot?”

“Unable to terminate emergency response. Total system failure was imminent.” He didn’t move much, it was hard to tell whether he was even breathing, but when he did it was done with deliberate efficiency. Every turn of his head was precisely calculated. “Reconfiguration was necessary.”

The doctor hummed. “And by reconfiguration you mean separation.”

Despite the severity of the situation he remained expressionless, showing no fear, no resignation, nothing. He just continued to stare, a statue in memoriam.

Connie cut in anxiously “Can’t you just fuse back then?” She remembered the way he’d spun together with himself in a laughing dance, bringing both halves back to a whole. “Since you were able to reform?”

He turned to her. “Reconfiguration allowed for reduced power requirement.” He replied. He never blinked, she noticed. Other gems did, but not him for some reason. It was unsettling.

Peridot’s eyes widened in understanding. “He can reform separately because it requires less power consumption.” She smacked her forehead. “Of course, why didn’t I realize?! A hybrid is a more complex system, so it would require a lot more energy to sustain homeostasis. If the core system is insufficiently charged that energy would have to be drawn from somewhere else, like his body…” Her expression tightened with dawning horror. “But his body is organic, there’s no way he could handle the strain of something like that! It would kill him!”

Priyanka looked grim at the news. “Did you separate to avoid using your body as a backup power supply?”

He pressed a hand to his stomach, a familiar gesture from an unfamiliar Steven. “… Yes.”

Connie’s gut twisted. “Does that mean it was our fault? Because of the IV?” It hurt to think that their desire to help had inadvertently endangered him.

He studied her. His diamond pupil was hauntingly beautiful, despite the memories it brought back of Steven’s meltdown. “Auxiliary System was already threatened.” He finally concluded. She wasn’t sure what that meant, but it sounded ominous.

Her mom’s eyes narrowed. “How much longer would it have taken you to recharge and reboot normally if we hadn’t interfered?”

“3 days, 7 hours, 32 minutes, and 11 seconds.” He recited dutifully.

She nodded. That matched what they’d expected. “And how long would Steven have been able to survive while his gem was inert?”

“2 days, 3 hours, 45 minutes, and 23 seconds.” The gem’s voice didn’t change, but he spoke with morbid finality. “… There was no protocol.” He added, as if trying to offer an excuse for Steven’s imminent death. “New protocol had to be established.”

“I see.” She sighed. “And I’m guessing that time has been reduced even further after the separation?”

“… Auxiliary System was already threatened.” He repeated. He did that a lot. “Reconfiguration was necessary.”

“Then… What do we do?” Connie asked weakly.

Something seemed to shift behind his eyes. “The Core system has functionality that the Auxiliary system does not.” For the first time since he’d reformed, the diamond looked almost human again as his gaze hardened. “I… Can help.”

A breeze blew in from the open doorway, tugging at the wild curls of his hair. The physicality of it was jarring. This whole time It had felt like they’d were talking to Steven’s ghost, but seeing the living world affect him somehow, even in such a small way, shattered the illusion. It grounded him. Even like this it was in Steven’s nature to help people.

Bismuth had grabbed a chair for Greg, who was struggling to process whatever was going on. He accepted it gratefully with trembling knees. “I… I don’t really understand what’s happening. Is Steven going to be okay?”

Connie moved to his side, still guilty about hiding things from him. “I think Steven’s gem is saying that there’s something he can do…” At least, that was what she hoped he was saying.

Her mom kneeled to pick up the IV. “Then perhaps it’s a good thing we interfered. Can I put the IV back in?” She wiggled it in Gem Steven’s direction. “It might still help, to keep his strength up if nothing else.”

He looked at it warily. “Foreign body.”

“I know, but it’s beneficial, not harmful. There’s no emergency reboot system to trigger with the new configuration, right?”

“…” He glanced back at his body, and to everyone’s surprise he reached over and lightly shook its shoulder.

It took a few attempts before human Steven responded to the movement. He groaned, prying open heavy eyelids to squint up at his pink counterpart. “That’s weird…” He mumbled hoarsely. “… Why is there a mirror on the ceiling?”

“Requesting permission to allow continued medical attention.” Gem Steven’s tone was noticeably softer as he spoke to his other half.

The only thing weirder than seeing two Stevens at the same time was seeing them talk to each other.

“Um…” Human Steven was looking more puzzled by the second, his brows drawing together as he registered that his mirror image had spoken to him. Then, like a switch had flipped, his eyes went wide with realization. He made an abrupt attempt to sit up, but his gem pushed him back down, holding him in place with ease. He pried at the fingers on his shoulder. “Let me go! I need- Wh- What’s going on? I-”

Gem Steven lifted the hem of his shirt, showing off the diamond that sat in his stomach.

His human half sank back. “That’s right I… I took it out.” He breathed, reaching out to touch it with a shaking hand. “Why did I do that?”

“Auxiliary system-”

“He needed to separate from you in order to prevent a system overload.” Priyanka interrupted. “Don’t worry, you’re safe.”

“O- Okay, that… Makes sense, I think? It feels like it makes sense…” His voice wavered, but the sight of the diamond, safe and within arm’s reach, seemed to have staved off some of the potential panic. The grip on his shoulder shook him again, startling him. “What, what is it?"

“Requesting permission to allow continued medical attention.” His gem insisted a second time.

The doctor held up the IV. “Can I put this back in?”

He sucked in a shuddering breath as he tried to regain his composure. “Right…. yeah, of course.” He rubbed at his wrist, where the hole left by the catheter was still oozing sluggishly. He didn’t seem to notice that he was painting red stripes up his arm. “Sorry about that. I don’t know what I was thinking…”

She took his uninjured hand gently, drawing it away from the wound. “You were thinking that you were in danger, and you responded in the only way you knew how.” She reassured him, grabbing a bandage and a new needle from her medical bag.

The gem watched her like a hawk. He hadn’t stopped her from approaching this time, now that permission to help had been granted, but he’d undoubtedly intervene if she did anything he didn’t approve of. She worked slowly and carefully under his scrutiny, and soon a fresh IV had been set-up on the uninjured arm. There was a collective sigh of relief as she finished without incident.

“Okay…” Lapis had dropped down at some point to sit on the floor, her legs arranged in butterfly position. She looked exhausted. “So… Steven is a fusion I guess…”

Garnet leaned a hand on the back of Greg’s chair. “That would explain why he disappeared in my future vision.”

“But…” Pearl turned to Connie. She looked harried, her hair sticking up at odd angles from where she’d clutched at it. “You said this happened before? How?”

Connie dropped her gaze to the floor. “I’m not sure how much I should say… It would only make you guys angry, that’s why Steven didn’t want to tell you in the first place. He doesn’t want you guys confronting the person who did it.”

Dread crept over Pearl’s features. “Someone else did it to him?”

Oops. “Well, yeah, but they’re not a danger to him anymore, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

Amethyst scowled. “So? Whoever did it deserved to get their ass whooped anyways!”

“Language!” Pearl gave a frustrated huff. Disappointment coloured her voice as she pinned Connie with a pleading look. “If we’d known something like this was possible, we might have been more prepared. Why didn’t either of you say anything?”

“I know, I’m sorry, but it wasn’t my secret to tell.” And even if Connie had thought hiding it was a bad idea from the start, she understood how Steven felt. Something like that… It wasn’t easy to talk about, even for her, and she wasn’t the one who had experienced it directly. Even when speaking about it in a more detached way, part of her felt like describing it out loud was reviving the event, allowing it to haunt her all over again.

She could only imagine what it would be like for Steven. His family would have demanded details, and they would have gotten so emotional about it, just like they were now. It would have been so overwhelming for him. It was easier to ignore stuff like that and hope it would fade with time if you avoided it long enough. But it hadn’t faded for her, not even after 2 years, and based on the series of event that had got them here, she doubted the silence had worked out for Steven either.

Her therapist, a tall, soft spoken man called Dr. Reinhart, had described recovery as a type of grieving process that someone might go through after a traumatic experience. People were inevitably changed by trauma, so it was common for them to mourn the person they used to be. That loss was not unlike the death of a loved one. Some people got stuck, unable to let go or acknowledge that things had changed, like a mother who couldn’t bear to disturb the room of her late child. Refusing to confront past trauma could result in stagnancy that left them frozen in time, never moving on from what had happened.

_“Everyone grieves differently.”_ He’d explained to her when she’d expressed her reluctance to talk about certain things. _“Sometimes what works for someone is keeping to themselves and processing it in private, but sometimes people avoid talking about something for reasons that only serve to preserve the problem, and it’s important to learn to recognise the difference so that you don’t get stuck. Is it something you feel you need time and space to think about in order to work through it on your own, or is it something that you’re afraid of confronting, so you avoid it in order to stave off the pain that comes from addressing it? Are you processing? Or Preserving? Because when you try to preserve the wrong thing, it will eventually start to fester.”_

That was when she’d decided to tell him about what had happened in White’s head, even if she only offered a censored version of the story for Steven’s sake. She could recognise that the silence had only put a temporary seal on the issue while it continued to rot under the surface. Steven would feel guilty if he knew how she felt, and he probably would have given her permission to break her vow of silence if she’d asked. But she hadn’t wanted to force him to make that choice, because she knew he’d always put her first no matter what, even if it hurt him. So, she’d changed the names and dates to protect his identity, allowing her to work with her therapist to air things out in her own head without having to break her promise. She’d settled for waiting, hoping that Steven would be able to open up to someone, someday. But he’d just continued his slow decay.

If she’d said something sooner, been more insistent instead of letting him brush her concerns aside, then maybe… Well, agonizing over maybes was another thing she was working on with Dr. Reinhart.

Amethyst had folded her arms with an exaggerated scowl, but at least she didn’t look hurt by the secrecy, just annoyed. “Fine then. If you won’t tell us anything then I’ll ask him myself. Hey Steve-o, who pulled out your gem last time?” She directed a challenging look towards the pair on the couch.

The human counterpart was still considerably pale and weak, but he’d sat up to make room for his diamond to sit next to him anyway. He shifted, looking uncomfortable with her attention focused on him. “It doesn’t matter.” He replied, his tone deceptively light.

“White Diamond.” Gem Steven stated at the exact same time.

Chaos erupted.

“ _She’s_ the one who-!?”

“Oh that _bitch,_ I’m gonna-!”

“When did she-?”

“I’m never letting her anywhere _near-_ ”

“ENOUGH!” Greg didn’t raise his voice very often, but when he wanted to, he could be _loud_. His shout rang out over the rising surge of anger, cutting everyone off and startling the room into silence. “Look, I get that this is really upsetting, and I’m probably not handling this very well myself, but come on guys, you’re freaking him out!”

They looked back to the couch, expecting to see that they’d agitated Steven’s human half, but to their surprise it was the gem that was showing the strongest reaction. He’d gotten to his feet, his eyes fixed intently on their group, and he was glowing with that sickly pink light they’d all grown far too familiar with. The menacing aura around him was almost suffocating, and human Steven had leaned away from him, looking more worried about the diamond than the argument.

“Hey bud,” Greg said softly. “It’s okay, we’ll calm down. We didn’t mean to startle you.”

The glow faded, but the gem stayed standing, staring them down reproachfully. There were more than a few hunched shoulders and murmured apologies.

“We need to get back on track.” Priyanka interjected, pinching the bridge of her nose in a way that usually signalled an oncoming headache. “Our goal is still mostly the same: We need to figure out how to keep Steven alive until his gem recharges enough to re-fuse, or, failing that, we need to figure out how to reduce the charging time.”

They looked at gem Steven expectantly, but despite his claim that he could help them, he didn’t offer up any ideas.

“… Maybe he’s broken.”

“Amethyst!”

“What?” The purple gem snapped defensively. “He doesn’t act anything like Steven. He’s not even acting like a gem!”

Garnet shook her head. “We don’t know what he’s supposed to act like in the first place. Someone like him has never existed before.”

Amethyst faltered. “Yeah, I know, it’s just…” She slumped as regret creeped into her tone. “Ugh, it’s just freaky seeing him look and talk like that, that’s all.”

“It’s okay Amethyst.” Human Steven spoke up, a weak smile pasted onto his face. “I’m sure this is all really scary for you guys.”

Guilt pinched her expression. “I didn’t mean… Yeah, I guess it’s scary, but it must be way worse for you, right?” She ran a hand through her hair. “Man, I didn’t even think to ask, how are _you_ holding up?”

His expression shuttered. “I’m doing… Um…” He turned his face away and laughed uneasily. “Well, you know…”

She leaned forward. “Seriously dude. I get that we mess up like, all the time, but you can talk to us about anything. You know that, right?”

“That’s not…” He grimaced, dropping the pretense of smiling. “I know I can talk to you. But I… I don’t know _how_ sometimes _._ ”

“Well…” She considered. “Maybe we can start with the White Diamond thing? That seems like it was a pretty big-”

“No.” His hands had balled into fists on his knees, shaking as they clutched at the fabric of his pants.

She frowned. “Why not?”

Connie wasn’t sure whether to intervene or not, and she could see the same conflict reflected in the expressions of the others. Whether they needed to push Steven, or leave the topic alone until things were more stable, was a question she still didn’t have the answer to. Standing back and waiting for him to take the first step had resulted in an unchecked downward spiral, and yet confronting him at the wrong time had prompted his corruption. Maybe they had waited too long. Maybe they hadn’t waited long enough. She wished she had some way of knowing, but she doubted even Steven himself knew.

“I can’t talk about it.” He’d dropped his gaze to his lap. “I can’t, I’ll…”

Amethyst’s eyes softened. “But maybe you can. Look, you’re not glowing, right? Maybe with your gem out you don’t have to worry about transforming or breaking anything.”

“No, you- you don’t get it…” He clenched his eyes shut. His lashes stood out sharply against the pale skin of his cheeks. “I tried to tell my dad once, a few months after, I _tried,_ but it wouldn’t come out. I just…” He let out a sound of frustration. “I just couldn’t _breathe!_ ”

“Okay, okay, then we can- woah!” Steven’s gem had stepped between Amethyst and his human half, situating himself defensively like a menacing pink wall. She glared at him. “Hey man, back off.”

The interruption was enough for human Steven to collect himself, and after a moment he looked back up, annoyance flaring on his face at the sight of his gem. He grumbled, trying to push the diamond aside, but he might as well have been pushing a boulder for all the good it did. “Stop doing that, you know she’s not going to hurt me.”

The gem ignored him.

Amethyst huffed. “Dude, what’s your deal?”

“I have no deal.” Gem Steven replied. “Protecting the Auxiliary System is my only purpose.”

“No, it’s not.” Human Steven let out an exasperated sigh. “You do plenty of other things too. Would you sit down please?”

“Amethyst.” Greg intervened. “Maybe you should drop it for now.”

Her shoulders hunched. “How are we supposed to help Steven if this guy keeps taking him hostage whenever we look at him funny?”

“He _is_ Steven!” Steven’s human half snapped, startling her with his sudden vehemence. He blew out a breath, his voice softening. “We’re both Steven. We’re… I’m… It’s confusing. But he’s just acting like that because he’s scared.” He ran his hands over his face, curling in on himself. “ _I’m_ scared, okay? Are you happy? You wanted to know how I felt, and now you know. Can we just… talk about something else now? Please?”

Amethyst shuffled her feet, properly chastised. “Sorry… I guess the stress is getting to me a little bit. I didn’t mean to corner you or anything.”

“The stress is getting to all of us.” Greg agreed somberly.

She reached out hesitantly, and when gem Steven didn’t retreat or lash out, she patted his shoulder in apology. “I shouldn’t talk like you’re some sort of stranger, I just… I don’t really know how to talk to you.” A sheepish smirk lifted the corner of her mouth. “Plus, you’re kind of creepy.” She shrugged. “No offense.”

Human Steven gave a dry chuckle. “None taken.”

Gem Steven didn’t show any outward acknowledgement of what she’d said, but he did finally allow himself to be dragged down to sit on the couch again.

Connie pulled the coffee table over so she could use it as a makeshift seat of her own, eager to bring the topic of conversation back to the task at hand. “So, um, Steven’s gem, what did you mean when you said you could help earlier?”

He tilted his head. “Specification needed.”

“Well, is there something you wanted us to do?”

“… Specification needed.”

Garnet moved forward, crouching down in front of him. “I don’t think he meant he would give us instructions.” She rubbed her chin as she studied him, her visor glinting. “It’s possible that he can help us simply by being here.”

Peridot looked thoughtful. “He is a diamond, even if he’s an undercharged one.”

“We need to figure out what we can do now that he’s reformed.” Garnet shifted to sit on the table next to Connie. “Something we couldn’t do before without him.”

The green gem tapped a foot, hands on her hips as she tried to recall everything she knew about diamonds. “Well, Steven has all sorts of powers, but there’s not much he could do at such a low energy level without going inert again.”

“Not even healing?” Connie asked.

“ _Especially_ not healing.”

“Well there has to be something he can do.”

They paused, looking at him expectantly.

He was silent, his expression as vacant as ever.

His human half smacked his arm lightly. “Aren’t you going to say something?”

“…They haven’t asked me anything.”

Human Steven rolled his eyes. “What can they do now that they couldn’t do without you?”

He considered the question, staring out into the middle distance. “I can fuse with them.”

“Oh my stars, that’s it!” Peridot clapped her hands excitedly. “Fusion!”

Connie looked between them, confused. “What about it?”

“When fused, each gem helps to share the power load of maintaining the fusion. The energy input is usually proportional, but there’s a connection there!” The fire of discovery shone in her eyes as she held up a finger. “A gem could use that connection to funnel some of their own power directly into another gem, allowing for a direct charge!”

“That sounds almost too perfect.” Priyanka looked wary, despite the good news. “Is there a catch?”

Peridot’s finger drooped. “Well, fusing with Steven is one thing, but fusing with just his gem...?”

Once again, their gazes were drawn to the diamond.

She lowered her hand, excitement fading to unease. “I have no idea what effects the separation might cause.”

Fusing with Steven was usually an amazing experience, a rush of warmth and energy that filled you up until you were lighter than air, but there was no ignoring the sense of disquiet that settled over the room as they considered what it would be like to fuse with his diamond alone. It was still a part of Steven, sure, but it was a robotic, alien, and unpredictable part. At times it felt less like a reflection of the boy they all knew, and more like a force of nature that wore his face. It was natural to be wary of letting a hurricane into your living room.

At the very least, it was sure to be an interesting experience.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: Aaaaaaaa Ashidaii drew awesome fanart of this chapter! Please check her out if you haven't seen her stuff, she's an amazing artist!  
> https://twitter.com/ashidaii/status/1288318311739031553?s=19
> 
> The pink boyo is hard to write but I still love him. Hope I did him justice! 
> 
> Art by me! If you'd like, you can check out more of my stuff here: http://infriga.tumblr.com/tagged/fanart
> 
> Comments are greatly loved and appreciated! I read every single one, usually multiple times haha. If I don't reply it's usually because I'm shy and I don't know what to say, but I'm grateful for every single one!


	7. Interim Light Keeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Interim light keeper: A temporary light keeper who serves when the full-time light keeper is unavailable.

When they looked at him, they saw someone else.

He wasn’t sure who they saw, they hadn’t verbally indicated how they chose to identify him, but he knew one thing for sure; to them he was not Steven. It was apparent in the way they acted towards him. The minute facial expressions that crossed the planes of their faces were dramatically different from the ones they’d expressed before the separation. They saw him as something other, a copy, split off from the original. It was understandable. He had Steven’s face, Steven’s voice, and Steven’s gem, but what he lacked was the parts of Steven that they could recognize.

The unfamiliar must be categorized in order to make sense of it.

He perceived things in bits and pieces, cataloguing each part as he observed it and filing it away meticulously. Pearl shifted from one foot to the other. Amethyst tugged at a strand of her hair. Garnet had her lips pressed tightly together. They spoke to each other, and to the other gems in the room, discussing who should attempt fusion with him first. Connie was closest to him, her heel thudding against the scarred wooden flooring as her pulse fluttered in the hollow of her neck. His dad sat on the other side of the table, a bead of sweat winding its way down to nestle in the hair of a furrowed eyebrow.

Steven wasn't used to seeing in binary. Now, he needed to account for a gap in his awareness, a piece of his fractured senses that now sat next to him on the couch, so close they were almost touching. The instinctual urge to make contact was there, a background noise telling him he needed to be whole. But doing so was dangerous at the moment. Extended interaction tempted fusion, and they couldn’t risk fusing yet, so his hands stayed in their place on his knees. His other half was a mirror image, fingers curled over a pajama-clad leg. Yet, they were slightly different, he noted. Not just in function, but in appearance as well. Corruption had warped him into jagged edges and blurred lines, but flesh was not so easily malleable. Pale skin stretched over bone, fat, and muscle. He studied the movement of pores as his Body’s fingers shifted and fidgeted, then he looked at his own digits, sculpted from light and as smooth as glass. Perfectly featureless. He didn’t even have fingerprints.

A pair of feet shuffled into his peripheral vision, steps softened by the soft fabric of ballet slippers, prompting him to redirect his attention to the approaching Pearl. She offered a fraction of a smile, fingers twisting together in front of her. “I think I’ll try it first, but… We’ll need to dance. If you can.” She was staring at him, indicating she expected something, but without clear indication of what she wanted he could not act on it.

His Body reached over to nudge his shoulder and he- _’s_ _tired, in pain, his skin crawls with pins and needles, what if this doesn’t work? Everything is so overwhelming. He’s worried he’ll throw up again. He wants to lie down but he’s afraid that if he does, he won’t be able to get back up. His palms are clammy with drying sweat. He needs it, but he can’t have it right now, not yet. But he needs it, he needs it, he needs-_ The contact broke off quickly and he was left alone once more, floating in the void. All that remained was the afterimage, an illusion stood in place of something that was once real.

“You don’t need to wait for a question to talk to people you know.” His human half informed him.

He was aware that answering a question wasn’t required in order to contribute to conversation, but he could no longer contextualize when he was supposed to provide information, and when to remain silent. Any statement could be a prompt for response, or a simple observation stated out loud. He remembered knowing what they meant, how to distinguish them, but remembering was not an adequate replacement for existing.

The skin around Pearl’s eyes pinched at the corners. Her smile flickered. “Will you be able to dance?”

“I can retrieve the appropriate memory.” He replied. It was a fair question. The difference in how she perceived him meant she didn’t know what he could or couldn’t do anymore. She had a strong connection with Steven, but he was not Steven to her right now. There was a discrepancy in their alignment, and dancing would help to bridge that gap. Perhaps becoming Rainbow Quartz would provide a more stable stage to work from once he no longer had to be seen as somebody else.

She gently grasped his hand and pulled him to his feet, taking the lead with practiced efficiency. The movements were simple to reproduce. With the twirls, the lifts, and the graceful bow of their spines, they painted a tapestry of the relationship between each dancer. The familiarity of his movements was enough for them to reach an equilibrium, and she gave a final snap of her wrist, pulling him in close.

Rainbow Quartz burst into life, heralded by a rush of wind that scattered the forgotten cards across the floor.

It was immediately apparent to them that they were not the same.

“Woah.” Amethyst’s eyes were wide. “That’s weird.”

They performed a cursory inspection, checking their form for what had and hadn’t changed. Instead of Steven’s jacket they were wearing a longer pink coat, the ends flapping around their calves in the remains of the breeze they’d summoned with their arrival. Their clothes were more monochromatic than usual, with the star emblazoned shirt and cuffed shorts rendered in shades much closer to pink. They gave a lopsided blink. On a hunch they ran a hand over their face, realizing with detached fascination that they were missing their lower right eye, bringing them down to three in total. Only half of Steven was part of the fusion right now, so everything must have adjusted accordingly, shifting their appearance ever so slightly. Their hair was shaggier as well, refusing to lay neatly no matter how many times they tried to flatten it.

“How do you feel?” Connie asked, stepping around them as she took in the differences.

They considered. “Hmm… Not quite like myself.”

“You’re shorter.” Garnet noted. She had a strange look on her face. Uneasy. Yes, that’s what that expression meant. It was odd, they were usually so adept at reading others, but right now it was as if they were looking at everything from the inside of a bottle. It didn’t blur their vision exactly, but the edges of what they could perceive were fizzy and bubbling.

“Hmm.” They nodded, stretching and flexing their reduced limbs. “I am a bit diminished.”

Amethyst cut in impatiently. “But did it work?”

Right, the plan. They closed their eyes, probing for the channel they would need to transfer power. The connection was there, more strained than it should have been, but present. With a mental prod, like patting a dog on the rump, the energy stored in their pearl began to flow across to their diamond. But it wasn’t long before they realized a problem. The sensation was not unlike trying to fill the Marianas Trench with little more than a trickle from a water bottle, each drop disappearing quietly into the dark. By the time they’d transferred more than half of their pearl’s reserves it was obvious that the amount wouldn’t be enough, and they finished the transfer with a sigh.

“Well?”

They turned their focus outwards again. “It’s not enough.”

Their disappointment was echoed back to them throughout the room.

Peridot studied them critically. “He can try fusing with Amethyst next. Soldier gems usually have a higher power capacity to facilitate combat.”

This was apparently news to Amethyst, whose cheeks darkened. “Are you sure that applies to me P?”

“Why wouldn’t it?” Peridot scoffed. “If anything, being incubated longer and having a smaller form might mean your power capacity is even greater than a regular Amethyst.”

“… Oh.” She kicked at an invisible rock, blushing down at her feet.

Rainbow Quartz bowed, resting their umbrella on their shoulder. “Well then, it was a pleasure to see everyone again, even if I’m not quite all here.” And with a final wave their form shuddered, bleeding to white and pulling apart at the seams. In their place Pearl and Steven solidified back into their original shapes.

Pearl had a hand to her chest, her posture drooping as she took a moment to catch her breath. “That certainly took a lot out of me…” She glanced at him as she spoke, an emotion he couldn’t determine shadowing her eyes.

“What was it like?” Amethyst asked, frowning as she offered Pearl an arm for support.

“Energy levels insufficient to provide required charge.” He replied.

Her lips pursed. “Yeah I got that from what Rainbow said. I was asking what it felt like in general.”

Pearl accepted Amethyst’s help, straightening as she leaned her weight on the shorter gem. “Well it was… Different, I guess. Rainbow Quartz was much more subdued than usual. To be honest it was almost like… Like I had fused with Rainbow Quartz, rather than Steven. He was definitely there, but… I’m sorry, I’m not exactly sure how to describe it.”

Their gazes landed on him again, seeking something he didn’t know how to provide. He had thought that the fusion would balance things out and supplement part of what he lacked from being incomplete. Instead he had been at the center of an abyss, nearly swallowed by an existence more established than his own. Pearl was not one half of a whole, and she was certainly not his half of anything. It was not a suitable replacement for what he was missing.

His human half leaned forward, peering at him. “Hey, it was worth a try. Maybe the next one will work better.” An unsteady hand stretched out to pat his arm.

Like before, their connection flooded through him at the point where they touched. He- _’s worried about how drained Pearl looks. Will they be able to provide enough energy? Could doing this hurt someone? He doesn’t want the gems to rush things for his sake if it means putting themselves at risk. Connie’s mom keeps checking his temperature and she looks more concerned every time, but she hasn’t said anything, so he doesn’t know if he’s getting worse or not. It feels like he’s getting worse. Seeing Rainbow was frightening. They’d looked so different, with one eye_ _missing and another with that diamond pupil staring holes into everyone they looked at. Why had they looked so different? Why did it feel so wrong to see them from the outside? What-_ He brushed the hand away gently before things could go too far. His human half huffed, fingers closing over air in a gesture of longing, but leaned back to comply with the unspoken request to avoid contact.

It was clear that the Auxiliary System was still deteriorating. His complexion had turned waxy, and the bruises around his eyes had darkened considerably. The brief connection had only confirmed what was visually obvious. Connie had taken the gem half’s place beside him on the couch, and she was occasionally running her fingers through his hair, ignoring his mumbled complaints about how greasy and gross he was so she didn’t have to touch him if she didn’t want to. She just shushed him and continued, letting him lean against her when his exhaustion made it too difficult to sit up straight.

“Alright!” Amethyst exclaimed, turning to gem Steven with her hands on her hips. “My turn! Lets boogie.”

They took their places, and once more he drew on his memories of previous fusions, allowing them to puppet his movements in tune with Amethyst. She started out slow, but when he was able to match her the way she was used to, her hesitation disappeared, and she threw herself into the choreography with renewed vigour. This dance was much more energetic, with aggressive, bouncing movements, interrupted by the occasional swipe of an arm or kick of a leg. It ended with a dramatic leap into each others’ arms, and they melted into a storm of light and sound.

Smoky Quartz slid into existence on their knees, their hair forming a messy halo around their head as the glow of their formation subsided. They jumped to their feet, ready to pat themselves down in order to check for differences, but they froze the instant their arms came into view.

The third one was missing.

“Awh man…” They wiggled their fingers, pouting. “That was my favourite arm.”

Further inspection showed a similar outcome to last time. Rather than having Steven’s jacket around their waist, they had donned a pink tinged leather jacket, and once again their other clothes were altered as well. They only had one shirt, a dark purple tank top with a star displayed clearly on the front, and their shorts were closer to magenta in hue. Their freckles had turned neon pink, and unsurprisingly they were also noticeably smaller than they were supposed to be.

Pearl rubbed her chin. “I guess because Steven’s gem’s body and clothes are made of hardlight, they influence the fusion’s appearance differently.”

“What about the missing body parts?” Greg asked, perturbed at the thought of a lost limb.

Smoky shrugged “Isn’t that obvious? Part of my body is missing.” They pointed at human Steven, who looked away. They knew how he felt, it was really weird to see someone who was supposed to be a part of them, so they looked away too. The whole situation was surreal, like an out of body experience. Was this how the two Stevens felt all the time? So much less of them counted as Steven right now, so it was hard to get a bearing on that half of the equation. Enough of him was in there for them to exist, but it just made the feeling of emptiness more obvious, like a hole they wanted to plug. If a pizza had too many pieces missing, could you really say it was still a circle? But every time they thought of reaching for that hole, it was made more apparent to them that it could easily act as a drain, and they had to be careful not to get pulled in.

“Don’t forget what you’re here for!” Peridot chirped, jolting them out of their train of thought.

“Gotcha.” They rifled around inside themselves, looking for the link that bridged their components. But just like with Rainbow, they could tell that whatever their amethyst could provide, it wasn’t enough for what they needed. They transferred some of the energy anyway, hoping that when Garnet had her turn, all three contributions would be sufficient. They peered back up at the waiting faces, wincing sheepishly. “This attempt is a dud too. Sorry guys.”

All attention turned to Garnet, who had folded her arms and seemed to be in deep thought. After a moment she nodded, stepping forward.

Greg leaned in closer to Peridot. “Wouldn’t it be better for everyone to fuse all together, instead of individually?”

“Not exactly.” She tilted her head, ticking off points on her fingers. “For one thing, the more gems there are in a fusion the more complex the system is, and the more energy is needed to hold it together. For another, the more gems there are the less stable the fusion will be as each component’s personality has to be able to stay in sync, and that’s always harder in a group. There are some exceptions, but I doubt that’s the case here considering it requires a specific type of fusion like with Fluorite. The strain of maintaining the fusion would be heightened, requiring even more energy. And on top of all that, fusions between different types of gems takes more energy _and_ is less stable than fusions between the same gems to begin with, so that adds to the difficulty. Keeping the number of gems to a minimum for each fusion will maximize the available power they can transfer.” She gestured towards the pair of fusions. “Though, Garnet is really stable, so in her case it’s not much different from fusing with a single gem in terms of output.”

Smoky gave Garnet a friendly slap on the shoulder. “Try not to smother him.” They advised, earning a rare look of confusion from her. They didn’t really know what they meant by it either, it had just seemed like the right thing to say, so instead of explaining they just winked and un-fused.

As soon as both components had regained their forms Amethyst flopped on her back, a whoosh of breath escaping her as she hit the ground. “Holy guacamole, I feel like I just ran a marathon!”

Steven’s gem half looked her over. Smoky had made sure not to drain too much, but they hadn’t considered the toll even a lesser amount might take, and both attempts had resulted in some form of exhaustion.

She noticed his attention and flashed him a thumbs up. “I’m good, just tired.” She let her hand flop back to the floor. “Garnet’s turn.”

“Maybe he should take a break,” Connie suggested, “if it’s so tiring. He’s done it twice in a row.”

Was he tired? He didn’t have his usual means to measure fatigue, and though the other gems seemed to have an idea of what the feeling entailed, he was unsure how to detect it himself. Initiating contact with his other half only resulted in an overwhelming rush of sensations that he didn’t have the ability to organize. He was too busy figuring out where he ended, and his Body began. He could feel the increased energy in his core, an angry buzz that rattled against his facets, but despite the numbing pinpricks it sent down his limbs, it was nowhere near enough for what he needed.

Greg rubbed at the back of his head, brows scrunching in towards each other as he looked over to the couch. “I dunno, Steven isn’t looking too good right now. If we can fix this sooner, wouldn’t that be better?” His gaze shifted back to the gem half.

The worry in those eyes was familiar, yet alien. It was meant for him, but not aimed at him, and with that one look he could tell that even to his own father he was no longer Steven. He recognized the emotion, because he remembered receiving that expression many times in the past, but it didn’t belong to him anymore. The longer he remained apart from himself the harder it was to maintain equilibrium, as each piece of what had made him who he was supposed to be ended up buried beneath the unfamiliar words, actions, and thoughts, that pressed in from every side.

The urge to cross the living room and grasp his own hand burned in the tips of his fingers, but he couldn’t allow himself the indulgence. It was still too soon.

His human half’s face twisted in a way that he wasn’t used to seeing. “Which part of Steven isn’t looking too good right now dad?” he asked, his voice soft. “You have to be more specific when we’re separated.”

Greg flinched. “Ah jeeze. Sorry, I… I guess that came out wrong.” His eyes softened a bit as he looked back at the diamond half of his child. There might have been guilt there, memories didn’t provide enough of a frame of reference to be sure. The situation had strayed from familiar territory. “How are _you_ feeling, uh, other Steven?”

“I am capable of continuing.” The gem assured. He agreed with the assessment that his human counterpart looked unwell, and delaying would only exacerbate the issue. Whether he was “tired” or not was irrelevant. “I am on the receiving end of the charge. My experience is likely different from theirs.”

Amethyst rocked to a sitting position. “Yeah, but if both of us are supposed to be holding up half of the fusion each, and you’re only half of who you usually are, doesn’t that take like, twice as much effort on your end or something?”

Pearl nodded. “That’s right, things were very… Disproportionate, I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you either.”

It seemed their brief fusions with him had eased some of their misgivings about his identity, or perhaps the reproach from his human half had prompted an adjustment to their behaviour as well. Whatever the cause was, he still had to prioritize the status of the Auxiliary System. Separation meant he could no longer monitor the state of his body’s health, and he was unable to measure how much time it would take for total system failure to occur now that they were apart. “I can continue.” He reiterated, moving to approach Garnet before anyone could question him further.

Even in his memories of being Steven, her emotions had always been hard to interpret from her expressions alone. As he was now, she was completely unreadable. There was a tilt to her mouth, a wrinkle on the bridge of her nose, but she stepped into position without comment. Their dance was high energy, like Amethyst’s, but more connected and flowing, similar to Pearl’s. There was meant to be more emotion to it, an expression of shared joy as opposed to a conversation bridging personalities, or a crash between like-minds that melted into each other. They moved in tandem, stepping to meet in the middle as their hands connected, and they were drawn together with the sudden force of their fusion taking hold. Sunstone bloomed from them with a flash of orange and red.

As was the case with the other two fusions, their stature was reduced, but for once Steven’s jacket had stayed mostly the same. The colour was slightly closer to red, and the white accents were gone, but the shape and size were familiar. The shirt and shorts were still tinted strangely, but the biggest difference was the absent right arm on the lower segment of the torso. The left one was still present, but the arm band on that one had migrated up to the large upper forearm instead. Overall, it provided a very lopsided appearance.

“I like my canon design better.” They concluded once they’d finished looking themself over, ignoring the nonplussed response they got from the others.

“Okay!” Peridot rubbed her hands together nervously. “Hopefully you’ll have a better result with an extra gem, or at least get us close.”

They shot a trio of finger guns in her direction, then quickly got down to business, cracking their knuckles as they turned their attention inwards. Siphoning energy from two gems at once took some concentration, but their ruby and sapphire were well connected, funneling into the same stream with relative ease.

And yet, the endless well of the diamond continued to yawn, empty and dark. They couldn’t help but wonder if it would ever truly be filled. There was a void, pulling at them from inside, seeking something they couldn’t offer, and they understood now what Smoky had meant by “smother”. Approaching that singularity would undoubtedly cause them to collapse. Despite the tug in their gems, urging them to fill the gap, they had to pull away, straining the connection in order to avoid crushing themself beyond recognition.

Pearl stepped closer, noticing their growing frown. “What’s wrong?”

“I think we underestimated how much energy we’ll need for this to work.” They looked down at the gems in their palms, sensing that Garnet had been worried about this possibility from the beginning. A diamond was a diamond, no matter how small and young the package it came in was.

“Then we can just go to the next person!” Peridot snapped. The continued failures were fraying her nerves.

Not wanting to waste any time, or to tempt fate with the black hole they were trying to feed, Sunstone agreed and quickly dissolved. Steven and an unsteady Garnet soon took their place once again.

With a badly concealed stumble Garnet returned to leaning on the back of Greg’s chair to steady herself. “You weren’t kidding about the fatigue.” She muttered.

Peridot herded Steven’s gem half closer to the kitchen, where Bismuth and Lapis had retreated to watch. Her hands flapped around him as she maneuvered him into place. “Okay, someone else go next!”

Lapis drew away from them, her mouth flattened into a thin line, but Bismuth stepped forward. “Sure, why not?” She offered, one side of her mouth quirking up as she held her hand out to him.

He raised his own to reciprocate but halted with a sudden realization.

There were no accessible memories that involved fusing with Bismuth. He did not have a template to draw from in order to facilitate synchronization with her, and without being able to work off of what Steven would have done, he couldn’t form that connection by himself. The thought of trying to dance on his own was just an error signal blinking in his head as he stared up at her.

Bismuth let out an uncomfortable chuckle when he didn’t move. “You uh, gonna dance with me?”

“Insufficient memory.” He recited. He scoured his mind for any data that could offer a solution, but every piece of recalled information just left him blank. A handshake would be ineffective, reusing the dance from a different fusion would not work with a gem that it didn’t apply to, and despite the myriad dances that Steven had performed outside of fusion in the past none of them meant anything to him now. He had no idea what could potentially link him to the blacksmith.

Peridot raised a brow. “What does that mean?”

He lowered his hand, curling it into a fist at his side. “Unable to achieve synchronization. Insufficient memory.”

“Just repeating stuff doesn’t make it any easier to understand.” She grumbled.

He wasn’t sure how else to say it. He could only tell her what he knew.

Someone touched his shoulder and for a moment he expected another flood of emotion to overtake him, but it wasn’t his human half who’d come up next to him, it was Connie. Of course, his human half wouldn’t have been unable to walk over to him, so Connie’s appearance made much more sense.

She moved to stand in front of him, peering into his eyes. “Why is there insufficient memory?” She ran the fingers of her other hand through his hair, just like she had with his human half, brushing loose strands away from his face. It was likely meant to be comforting.

“There is no precedence for a fusion with Bismuth.” He explained, remaining still under her ministrations.

She seemed unbothered by his lack of reaction. “You said something similar about protocol before. There was no protocol, so new protocol had to be established, right?”

He could establish new protocol as Steven, but as Steven’s gem he was operating blind. “That isn’t applicable.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t do it on my own.” No, that wasn’t quite right. “I don’t know how.”

His admission was met with silence as everyone exchanged unreadable looks.

“So, what do we do now?” Amethyst asked, her tone low.

Peridot pressed her steepled fingers to her mouth. “Maybe we can find other people that Steven has fused with before?”

“Like who?”

“Well there’s me, and Mr. Universe.” Connie offered. “But I don’t think that’ll work since we’re human.” She addressed him directly again. “Are there any other gems that Steven has fused with?”

“No.”

Her face fell. “Oh.”

Garnet stepped forward, having regained most of her balance. “There is one option we haven’t considered.”

“Great!” Peridot exclaimed, expression brightening. “What is it?”

The fusion paused, keeping her focus aimed at Steven’s gem half. “I don’t think anyone will like it.”

Peridot threw her arms in the air. “Well tell us anyway!”

Garnet sighed. “Well… When two different gems fuse, dancing is an effective method of tuning each gem into their partner. But the same kind of gems don’t need to dance to be in tune. A pair of rubies, for example, only needs to make direct contact with each other.”

“Oh!” Pearl gasped. “Like with Volleyball! We only had to hug to fuse, even though we’d just met!”

“That's happened with me and Steven though. We fused for the first time with just a hug. And we've made Alexandrite without dancing before too.” Amethyst interjected.

Garnet nodded. “Sometimes different gems can do it as well, but it requires a very close relationship or for both gems to be extremely in sync. But in a situation like this…” She gestured between Steven’s gem and Bismuth. “I doubt it would be effective.”

“So, wait.” Connie’s fingers had tightened on Steven’s shoulder. “What are you suggesting exactly?”

“… He may have a better chance if he tries to fuse with another diamond.”

There was a hiccup of noise as everyone tried to protest at the same time and got cut off by Garnet raising a hand.

“I don’t like it either.” She told them stiffly. “But we have to think of what’s best for Steven.”

Amethyst snarled. “How can those creeps be what’s best for Steven? You heard what White did to him!”

“They may be the only option we have left.”

“Is that what your future vision says?” Pearl cut in, her voice rising by another octave.

“You know it doesn’t always work that way.”

Amethyst stomped one of her feet, pointing an accusing finger. “So then you could be wrong!”

Something steely had crept into Garnet’s tone. “It’s still worth trying. We don’t have any other ideas right now.”

Connie jumped in before the argument could get carried away. “Maybe we should ask him what _he_ wants to do. Steven, what do you think?”

The gem half didn’t answer right away, giving his human half a chance to respond since she didn’t specify which component she was asking, but there was only a heavy silence from the couch.

“Another diamond would provide a successful charge.” Gem Steven eventually agreed, once it was clear that he would have to be the one to reply. “Same type synchronization is possible.”

Amethyst slumped with a groan, apparently displeased with his decision. “Fine, whatever. But which one is he gonna fuse with then?”

There was a lurch in his gut, like his gem was turning end over end, but he was compelled to answer despite the rush of discomfort. “White Diamond.”

The air grew thick as everyone’s attention weighed down on him.

“… Why her?” Amethyst asked, drawing the words out slowly.

“We are the most compatible.” Some part of him recognized that she was the best option, though he lacked the context for why. All he could recall was an empty grey chamber bathed in pink light, the same shade painted across White Diamond’s cheeks. He knew that they didn’t have much trust in the other diamonds, but as more time passed their options had narrowed, and if it meant averting total system failure then he had no choice but to go with the most likely solution. It didn’t matter how she’d acted in the past. He could handle her behaviour, like he had before. He would do whatever needed to be done.

He noticed that Connie’s gaze had moved away from him, passing over his shoulder. He turned to check on his other half.

Steven’s human half was looking down, his attention glued to his own lap, and one of his hands was pressed tightly against his stomach where his gem should have been. There was a slightly green tinge to his complexion, but Dr. Maheswaran had already grabbed a bucket and was standing by watching him critically. He glanced up briefly, and his eyes met his mirror image. It wasn’t the same as touching, but it was enough of a connection for the gem half to understand just what they’d gotten themselves into.

It wasn’t just a matter of choosing their only option. No matter how necessary it was, and no matter how logical he tried to be, something like this was never going to be easy. He wouldn’t be able to rely on the memory of being Steven to fuse with her, he would have to reach out and make that connection as a diamond. It would be all him, alone, against the one who’d torn him apart in the first place, ripping him into an agonizing double existence against his will.

“Okay.” Amethyst’s voice wobbled. “I’ll… Call White diamond then, I guess. I said we’d keep her posted so…” She left with dragging footsteps. The atmosphere settling over the room in the wake of her exit was akin to that of a funeral.

He wasn’t so sure if he was ready to go through with this anymore, but no one second guessed him, no one asked him if he wanted to change his mind. It was too late now.

He’d made his choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: Cynthi has drawn some amazing fanart of the altered fusions!!: https://cynthi-universe.tumblr.com/post/626937151523864576/aid-to-navigation-chapter-1-ppleater-steven
> 
> Please check her stuff out, her art is awesome! 
> 
> Gem Steven is continuing the time honoured Steven tradition of putting his foot in his mouth.
> 
> Art by me! If you'd like, you can check out more of my stuff here: http://infriga.tumblr.com/tagged/fanart
> 
> Comments are greatly loved and appreciated! I read every single one, usually multiple times haha. If I don't reply it's usually because I'm shy and I don't always know what to say, but I'm grateful for every single one!


	8. Eclipse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eclipse: an interval of darkness between appearances of light.

The waiting was the hardest part. As each second ticked by his stomach churned with rising fervour, threatening to make his day even more uncomfortable than it already was.

It had been a while since Steven had eaten anything substantial, despite Dr. Maheswaran’s insistence that he at least try to force something down, but that didn’t seem to help with the nausea his human half had inherited. He hadn’t succumbed to it yet, but there was a garbage bin on standby if he lost the battle with his gut. For now, he just curled miserably in on himself. It was as good a time as any to indulge in some self-pity.

His gem half had returned to sitting next to him, and it was the only thing that provided him with a sliver of relief. He understood why his gem didn’t want to remain in contact for too long, though it was easier on both of them. It was just too tempting to fuse. Even so much as a brush against skin brought with it the pressing urge to get closer, to meld back together and properly become themself again. Being Steven, but somehow not Steven at the same time, was excruciating. With every unsteady thump of his heart, he felt that need pulsing along with it, as if that too ran through his veins. But until it was safe the best they could do was stay in close proximity, which provided the smallest amount of respite.

Though it didn’t relieve the emotional pain, of course.

He’d been around White plenty of times over the past two years without issue. Well, without much issue. Okay, without it being enough of an issue that he was constantly freaking out over it. And yet currently, with her arrival looming over him, freaking out was a very real possibility. Especially now that everything she’d done to him was so fresh in his mind.

Someone’s hand touched his shoulder, and despite being feather-light and hesitant it still sent goosebumps along his spine, raising the hairs on the back of his neck. He jolted, turning his head to see his dad watching him with badly concealed trepidation.

Greg’s voice was hushed. “How are you doing bud?”

He didn’t bother sitting up to answer, feeling less at risk of puking all over someone as long as he sat slumped over his knees with his arms wrapped around his middle. The floorboards would be much more forgiving than the upholstery. “… My stomach is bugging me...” He admitted, feeling rather pathetic. He tactfully didn’t mention that it was an emotional issue causing his nausea, rather than his declining health.

His dad seemed to guess that the problem wasn’t entirely physical anyway. “Well, you know we’re all here with you, right? We’re not going to let anything happen to you.”

He grimaced. He knew by now that White wasn’t going to hurt him, no matter how nervous he felt being around her, because he knew she cared about him. She didn’t want to lose one of the few things she had left of his mother. Sure, sometimes if she moved too fast, or got too close when he wasn’t expecting it, he couldn’t help but react badly. But as long as he was aware of where she was, and what she was doing, he could usually keep his composure. And yet, the last time they’d spoken had been different. He’d reacted in a new, terrifying way that he didn’t understand and didn’t want to repeat. He never thought he’d be capable of considering something so horrible. Even just remembering it made him shudder. That moment was currently on loop in his mind, playing over and over again like his own personal horror movie. White, grasping the pillar in front of her, leaning back, eyes scrunched tight with fear, and his own voice, pleading, begging… Condemning.

A phantom pain throbbed in his head as the memory concluded with the crack of stone. He hadn’t gone through with it, thank the stars, but he could have. Oh, he could have.

And the worst part was, he still could. There was no telling how difficult interacting with the former matriarch would be for his gem. He honestly had no idea how much of Steven was left in either of them, aside from the obvious physical aspects. When they touched there was this rush of sensation as if they were gaining the ability to use a sense they couldn’t access when separated, like seeing in colour after a lifetime spent with shades of grey. Except it was much more painful than being colour blind.

He spotted his other half’s knee, mere inches from his own, and had to smother the urge to lean into it. Being apart hurt, but the very real possibility of dying if they fused before his gem was ready kept him from reaching out to ease the discomfort.

Connie had come to sit on his other side, and she took one of his hands to press between her own, massaging his knuckles. It felt simultaneously nice and nerve-wracking, stretching the sore ligaments to make up for how tightly they’d been clenched earlier, while also sending his awareness into overdrive as every motion made him twitch. If anything, his hypersensitivity to touch had only gotten worse after the separation.

He felt like an empty sock puppet, hollow and deflated. Whenever someone came in contact with him there was this tug, a leap of anticipation in his gut telling him that he’d found what he was waiting for, except it was always pulling him in the wrong direction. The only time the tug felt right was when it came from his gem half as if the instinct to be whole again jumped at any potential opportunity, only to be disappointed and withdraw when it found the wrong person at the other end of the connection. It made for a rollercoaster experience with every interaction. He was a tactile person, so in some ways Connie’s massage was comforting, but that only made it harder to reconcile the coil of unease that had made its home in his chest.

“Maybe you should lie down.” She murmured, noticing his disquiet.

Steven’s gem seemed to think her suggestion was a good idea, and he stood abruptly to make room for his human half.

The extra distance only made human Steven feel worse. He shook his head, failing to suppress a shiver. “It’s okay.” He turned his face just enough to give her a lopsided smile. “If I stay like this, I’ll only have to worry about puking on my feet instead of all over myself.” He regretted the joke when she only frowned in response, unable to see the humour in his situation.

His gem half stayed standing. Whether it was out of stubbornness, or because he needed someone to tell him to sit again, was unclear.

“Well, that’s what the bin is for, isn’t it?” Greg sighed, trying to nudge the human Steven into more of a sitting position.

He blinked blearily at his dad, trying to squint through his monocular vision. His left side actually wasn’t blind anymore now that his gem had rebooted, at least not like it was before. If he focused, he could see through his other eye that was currently being used by his other half, but whenever he did that it added a wave of vertigo to his ever-growing pile of misery, so he preferred to leave it unfocused. That way he could concentrate on the eye that was still physically in his head. Plus, his Gem was currently staring at him, and seeing a separate version of himself walking around was weird enough already. If he were to see himself by looking at himself through himself… That would just make his head spin.

He let himself be maneuvered upright by the gentle grip on his shoulder, but before he could gather his thoughts he was being guided down again to lay on his back, and he didn’t have enough energy to resist. The new position really was good for his exhaustion, but as he’d predicted it was not good for his stomach. The knot of discomfort he’d been nursing was now stretched unnaturally along his torso. He was glad Lion had backed off at some point, possibly avoiding the crowd that had gathered in the living room. If the big cat had been using him as a pillow right now it would have ended pretty badly for both of them. Manes didn’t clean easy; he’d learned that the hard way after Lion had rolled gleefully in a pile of animal poo that they’d stumbled upon during a walk.

He might have dozed off to the buzz of hushed conversation as the others talked over his head if it wasn’t for the still present apprehension echoing in his thoughts. He was left to stew instead. His gem had moved to stand above him, like a silent guard, except this was creepier because he was still being watched intently with that single unblinking diamond pupil.

He met his own gaze, studying his reflection for any signs of worry. “Are you going to be okay?”

“I am functional.” The diamond responded, as deadpan as ever.

“Yeah, but I mean later, when you…” He made a twirling gesture with a hand that might have been vague to anyone else, but he knew his other half would understand what he meant. “You know?”

“… Fusion is necessary.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.” He prompted dryly.

His gem remained deliberately silent.

He rolled his eyes but didn’t press the issue. It wouldn’t get them anywhere, not with how stubborn his gem could be, so he might as well change the subject. “So… What would happen to you if I died?” Okay, maybe not that subject. He hadn’t meant to blurt that out.

It got a more animated response at least. Gem Steven stiffened, eyebrows twitching, which was practically the normal person equivalent of yelling in outrage. “That is unacceptable.”

Human Steven held up his hands placatingly. “I’m only asking hypothetically! It’s just… I’m worried about what it might do to you. Would you… Disappear? Or reform as someone else?” He shuddered, rubbing at his face. There was a persistent tremor in his fingers. “… Or would you just be left alone without me? Forever?” The thought was, frankly, terrifying.

“…I don’t know.” The gem answered dully, glancing at the empty expanse of his human’s belly where the diamond was supposed to sit.

Human Steven let out a strained breath, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes and rubbing at the sockets. He let the oddly comforting ache spread through his skull. “Sorry, that’s not… I shouldn’t be asking you something so morbid…” He realized that the room had gone silent again, and he cursed internally at his lack of discretion. He hadn’t exactly asked that question quietly.

But he didn’t have to wallow in self-reproach for long. The distant thunder of footsteps began to ripple through the house, heralding the approach of White Diamond. Plates chattered in the cupboard, the lamp next to him wobbled on its foundation, and something upstairs fell with a muffled clatter. He was reminded uncomfortably of that dinosaur movie Lars had convinced him to watch when he was 11 years old. He hadn’t been able to sleep for a week afterwards.

White’s size meant she could cross distances quickly, so it wasn’t long before a large pale face was peering into the house, accompanied by polished nails curving over the windowsill. It was probably a good thing that Bismuth hadn’t put in a door or windows yet, because it offered at least a partial view of the enormous diamond.

“I was told that Steven needed my help.” She craned her head to get a better look at the interior of the house. “What-” Her attention landed on Steven’s gem and she cut herself off with a strangled gasp. Apparently, she hadn’t been briefed on what was going on with him yet.

“What’s wrong?” Amethyst sneered. “See something familiar?” Her voice was bitter despite her nasty smirk. It was entirely possible that she’d left out the explanation on purpose so she could see White squirm in person.

White reared back, doing a remarkably accurate impression of a goldfish. One hand was raised in front of her as if to ward off any potential attacks. “That- How-?” She shook her head, making a visible effort to regain her composure. “What is going on here? What did you do to him!?”

There was a rush of offended noise from the house, and Amethyst bristled, incredulous. “What did _we_ do? Are you serious!?”

“Well obviously _something_ has happened to him, or else he wouldn’t be like… this.” White regarded gem Steven with an expression similar to one that had been on Sadie’s face back when the Big Donut had developed a rat problem. She had spent most of her shifts that week balanced precariously on a chair, studying the floor with abject paranoia for any sign of the invasive beasts.

“ _We_ didn’t do anything!” Amethyst hissed. She advanced towards the former monarch, pointing an accusatory finger. “You’re the one who-”

Garnet grabbed Amethyst’s shoulder, snapping, “Now is not the time!” The smaller gem shrunk back at the reproach, though she shot a venomous glare at White as she did. Once Garnet was sure that Amethyst wouldn’t do anything rash, she let go. “Steven had to remove his own gem to protect himself.”

White’s eyes flickered between the Stevens, and her sculpted eyebrows rose so high they were vying for space with her gem. “That doesn’t make sense, he…” She gestured regally in his direction. “I’m quite sure it’s not healthy for him to be out like this.”

“He didn’t have a choice.” Garnet explained through clenched teeth. “His defense system was triggered, and he hadn’t regained enough energy to reboot without hurting Steven.” She looked like she was only barely refraining from launching herself fist-first at the larger gem, despite scolding Amethyst before.

Pearl cut in, trying to maintain calm. “Steven’s human half won’t survive long enough for him to recharge.” She usually had an easier time talking to the diamonds than the other Crystal Gems, possibly due to her experience with Rose. Garnet looked grateful for the reprieve.

Worry creased White’s face. “That is quite concerning.” She peered anxiously at the human half on the couch. “But what does it have to do with me?”

Human Steven had to look away as she studied him. His emotions towards her were still all too raw, especially separated from his gem as he was now. He couldn’t handle facing her scrutiny without the emotional buffer that came from being together and stable. Not that he’d feel any better if she ignored him. That’s how she’d treated him last time, like unimportant baggage, setting him aside and looking away while he was-

Nope. Nuh-uh, he wasn’t going to think about that. The last thing he wanted right now was to have a panic attack in front of everyone and pass out.

It didn’t take long for the crystal gems to explain their plan to White, and their reluctance was quickly reflected in her face. She was grimacing by the time they finished.

“That… Could work.” She concluded after a moment of consideration. “It makes sense that only a diamond could hope to supply enough power to recharge another diamond. However…” She watched gem Steven carefully. He had situated himself directly between her and his human half’s line of site, and human Steven couldn’t help but be somewhat grateful for not having to look at her. Though he felt a twinge of regret that his gem half didn’t have the same luxury.

“However,” White continued, unease colouring her voice, “I’m sure I don’t have to point out why there might be potential… Conflict between the two of us if we were to attempt to fuse.” She avoided his eyes after an uncomfortable moment of silence, swallowing under the smaller diamond’s unforgiving gaze. He had been staring holes into her since her arrival.

Her statement was met with dark glares from around the room. “If I had it my way you wouldn’t be allowed here at all,” Amethyst grumbled, “but it was the pink guy’s idea in the first place.” She jerked a thumb at him.

White seemed skeptical, returning her focus to the Stevens. She tapped an erratic beat against the window frame with her nails. “Is this really a good idea?”

“It is necessary.” His gem replied.

“Well, why does it need to be me?” She was almost whining at this point. “Wouldn’t you be more comfortable with Blue? Or even Yellow?”

“The closest possible match is required for the greatest chance of success.”

“I… Suppose we are the most similar.” Her shoulders drooped as she sighed, growing resigned. “But do I feel I have to ask, are you sure you’ll be able to go through with this?”

“It is necessary.” He repeated stubbornly.

She closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose with a familiar expression of ‘why is everyone around me so simple?’. “Yes, I’m perfectly aware that it is necessary, dear. That’s not what I was asking.” Her face turned serious. “Will you even be able to fuse with me?”

She wasn’t referring to whether he was physically capable of doing it, both halves of Steven could tell that much, she was talking about the emotional component of fusing. They were banking on the fact that she was the same kind of gem to help with the heavy lifting, but that didn’t mean success was guaranteed. It wasn’t as if Steven’s gem lacked emotions, it was more like he’d lost the ability to process and express them properly, but they were still very much a factor that could potentially interfere with the fusion. Neither of them knew the answer to her question, and even if they did, it wasn’t as if they had any other options, regardless of their misgivings. Human Steven’s stomach was still doing uncoordinated flip flops in the jungle gym of his intestines, and while he wasn’t able to tell how his gem half felt for sure without them touching, he could practically see the tension simmering around the smaller diamond like heat waves.

Gem Steven glanced back at him before answering firmly, “I have to try.”

“Very well.” She conceded. “If it will help Steven then I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”

And that was that. The room was filled with apprehensive faces, but no one interfered as White lowered her hand through the window, carefully resting it palm up in front of Steven’s gem. He stood frozen in place for several seconds, hesitance apparent in his posture if not his expression, but eventually he lurched into motion, lifting himself onto it and allowing her to carry him out to her. Human Steven watched his gem go with a steadily growing lump in his throat. He didn’t want to do this, god he _really_ didn’t want to do this, but he had no choice. And honestly, wasn’t that the story of his life?

Everyone crowded around the front of the house. and at human Steven’s request, Greg and Dr. Maheswaran helped him transition to the reading bench so he could see what was going on as well. White brought gem Steven level with her head until they were face to face, where they observed each other silently, and he reached out to press his palm against her gem. There was no dance. No fanfare. Both diamonds just seemed to hold their breath, concentrating, and then faster than anyone expected they were both engulfed in a flash of blinding light. It painted the beach a pale pink, contracting and swirling into something as amorphous as it was monolithic.

Everyone shielded their eyes, squinting through their fingers at the expanding figure. The diamonds’ forms had melded together, growing impossibly large, but they were far from becoming cohesive. Edges shifted and blurred, their silhouette pouring and swirling around itself like a lava lamp the size of a building, and anticipation grew as the others waited for the new fusion to be revealed. Two diamonds fusing was nothing to sneeze at after all. It had certainly never happened during any of their lifetimes.

But several seconds went by and nothing happened. A minute passed, then two minutes, then ten, and still, nothing. The glow remained, refusing to fade or take shape. It just flowed in on itself endlessly while blazing like a miniature sun. More and more time passed without a change, and everyone exchanged perturbed looks. Fusion shouldn’t be taking this long, even with a more volatile gem version of Steven at the helm. Not unless something had gone wrong.

Human Steven wasn’t even remotely surprised. Of course something had gone wrong.

Something always went wrong.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

The void remained.

Nothingness rippled around him like heat waves in a desert, and awareness returned sluggishly, congealing. He took a wavering breath. It was little more than habit, an ongoing process that was no longer required to function, but it felt right to continue all the same. It was as if each gulp of air helped feed the aching hunger in his core, if only temporarily. Still, he was not yet whole. Every atom of his being was letting him know it at that moment. His chest hurt, a dull burn that radiated from where his heart would be if he still had it, and the pain crashed against a phantom rib cage like waves in a rising tide. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block it out.

He could feel the tenuous grasp of another on his psyche, tethering him enough to keep him from spiralling into the ether. The presence tickled his thoughts where it lingered at the edge of his mind. Wait, he was supposed to be they by now, wasn’t he? A multitude, not singular. Yet he was still just him. Drifting, empty, with little more than a frayed safety line tying him to shore. It was stretched between them as thinly as a spiderweb. They were still barely together, yet apart at the same time.

The others had disappeared, along with the house and the beach. There was nothing beneath him. He knelt over a bottomless vacuum, with nowhere to fall to. It pulled his senses uncomfortably in every direction.

But now wasn’t the time for distractions. His human half needed him. _Steven_ needed him… Needed him to… To…

_THREAT DETECTED_

“Where in the stars are we?”

His eyes flashed open to see White Diamond sitting in front of him, looking as if she’d been there the entire time, though he knew the space she was in had been empty a moment ago. She blinked around at their environment before bringing her attention to rest on him.

They faced each other in the hollow space, so close, yet so far, like echoes bouncing off of distant mountains.

“What happened?” She asked, searching his face.

“The…” A tremor ran through him as more warnings blared across his consciousness. She wasn’t a threat, he had consented to this, but his system still saw her as something dangerous. Invasive code. He ignored it. “The fusion was unable to finish… We are in limbo.”

And it was his fault. He’d failed to complete the connection.

They were stuck halfway. Not quite halted, but not completed either. There was only one fusion he knew of that had been as fragmented as theirs currently was. Years ago, he’d sunk to the bottom of a deep, dark ocean. A place that was frozen in-between existences. And in that ocean had been Lapis, chained in her self-made prison to her self-made prisoner.

White clicked her tongue, jarring him out of his thoughts. “It’s too unstable then. I knew this would happen.” She bit at a fingernail as she considered the situation. “Perhaps you should try one of the others? I’m sure with Blue you could-”

“No.” He remembered long black claws reaching towards him. Wet cheeks and a sadness that wasn’t his pressing against his heart. Cold, uncaring eyes bringing a declaration of war. The diamonds would all be equally difficult to confront, on an emotional level at least. But Yellow and Blue’s chemical makeups were too different from his to facilitate fusion. Too much boron and nitrogen. Too many inclusions. White was the most like him, or rather, he was the most like her. Both of them paragons. Flawless, and perfectly cut. He was just more… Distorted than she was. Bent. Letting the light out all wrong.

It had to be her.

“Steven, please.” She rubbed at her temple. The gossamer fabric of her cape glittered as she shifted, despite the surrounding darkness. “There’s no need to force yourself. Wouldn’t you rather-?”

“ _No._ ” The air around them shuddered and White’s jaw snapped shut. He had to do this if he wanted to be whole again. They didn’t have enough time to search for another solution or to try something different over and over again. He needed to reach out and make the connection in order to let her in and finish the fusion. If he couldn’t manage that then they would be completely out of options. But when he tried to act on that need to reach out his processes slowed, trapping him between opposing gears. His fingers twitched where they clutched at his stomach, digging into the pseudo flesh around his gem.

Why did it have to be her?

White’s hands twisted in her lap as her gaze fell to the floor. “Look, I understand why you might not be… Eager to do this.” dark nails flashed with each flex of her knuckles. He couldn’t truly feel nausea like his human half could, but he was haunted by its ghost as he watched her movements.

He just had to focus. Don’t think about it, don’t get distracted.

She huffed, continuing. “I know I don’t always acknowledge what I did back then…” Back then, when he’d first opened his eyes to pain, and fear, and nothing where there was supposed to be _something._ “I thought that maybe we’d put it behind us, but… Clearly I was wrong.” Her voice caught, dragging against her throat and along his skin like verbal sandpaper. “I don’t know why you never said anything about it.”

Even if he had said something it would have been inconsequential. He hadn’t wanted to facilitate any possible conflict between them, and after a while, he’d learned how to handle himself around her well enough. He’d stopped shaking at the sound of her voice or flinching when she got too close, and he no longer dreamed of his own disembowelment night, after night, after… Well, the dreams hadn’t stopped entirely, but he’d gotten used to them at least. It was fine. He was _fine._

Her shoulders slumped. “But I’ve come to realize that staying silent had only made things worse. So, let’s… Let’s talk about it then.” She straightened her dress, fiddling with the light-woven cloth before threading her fingers together in her lap. “I… Can’t say I ever truly understood how Pink felt. We were always at odds in some way or another, arguing over the most trivial of matters. Or what I thought were trivial matters at the time.”

He remembers a dream on a forgotten planet, with shards of glass littered around their feet, and diamond eyes staring back at them from between the cracks of a broken mirror. It was the first time he’d ever seen what Pink really looked like.

“When you came along it was much the same, at first.” White’s lips tugged up at the corners as she reminisced. “You asked so much of us, telling us a plethora of things we didn’t understand at the time. Stuff that seemed insignificant to us was often incredibly important to you. In that way, you were so alien, and yet so much like your mother.”

Like his mother. He’d heard that so often that it had almost become white noise, a series of sounds that he would have been able to recognize if they hadn’t been drained of any real meaning a long time ago. Now their buzz only added to the building storm inside his head.

White looked down at her hands. “Now I think might finally understand what you were trying to teach us, at least partially.” Her cheeks dimpled and she let out a soft chuckle. “Everyone is so much _happier_ now. No matter the clarity, no matter the cut, they’ve all been able to find their place in era 3. And not just regular gems, but Yellow and Blue as well. Even I find myself feeling more at home in this new world. It makes me wonder if we could have had this all along. If I hadn’t been so obsessed with perfection, if I had just listened to Pink, tried to come to a greater understanding with her, then perhaps she wouldn’t have...” She paused, struggling to compose herself for a moment as she blinked away moisture that had gathered in her eyes. “… I used to think I could see things so clearly. That if I shone a spotlight on our society’s flaws that meant that I could fix them. But I’ve learned that while light certainly provides illumination, it can also be blinding.” Her gaze settled on him, weighing him down with her scrutiny. “When you came to us, I thought I’d been given a second chance. I wanted to do things right this time, to make up for everything I did wrong with her.” She swallowed, her expression pinching. “I never considered that it might already be too late.”

He wasn’t sure why she was telling him this. He didn’t want to be compared to his mother again or hear that he’d only started to matter to White once he’d taken up Pink Diamond’s spot in her personal narrative. Even if she genuinely wanted to help him and treat him better, that just made him feel worse. It would have been easier if she hadn’t cared.

Her expression was indecipherable as she watched him, brows drawn tight. “When I used my powers on you while you were transformed, I saw how you truly felt.” His perception of what others were feeling was still skewed, growing worse by the second as he struggled not to lose his shaky hold on their partial fusion, but he could tell she was telling the truth. He- He didn’t remember her using her power on him. Whenever he tried to think back to that time his memories skipped and jumped, darting around in bursts of overwhelming emotion and animalistic fear.

White’s face crumpled with what might have been guilt, or possibly pity. “I’ve already done irreparable damage, haven’t I?” She asked softly.

His hands were curled into fists, tight enough that he might have drawn blood with his nails if he’d been human. Damage. Such a simple word, so inadequate and yet he doesn’t know of any more fitting. There was no crack in his gem, nor in his form, but the evidence was there in his Body. Fissures that crept beneath skin like thorny vines, forming scars that had been earned fighting in a war he’d unwillingly inherited. They’d all been for nothing in the face of White Diamond’s power. In the end, he’d been reduced to a hollow shell, forced to pull himself back together again because her grief and ignorance had taken priority over anything else.

“You… You hurt me.” He grit out, finding it suddenly difficult to speak through the surge of anger that overtook him. Without the insulation of his human half, the already intense emotion shot through him like electricity through a live wire.

She nodded solemnly. “Yes, I did.”

“You hurt me because you thought I was _her_.”

“I…” She faltered. “I know. I hurt her too. I hurt both of you.”

“But I’m not her!” He snapped. “She’s _gone!_ ” Letting himself get worked up was dangerous, he knew, but his system was running on auto-pilot. White Diamond had flipped the switch, and he didn’t know how to turn it off.

“I know.” He’d never seen White look as ancient as she did at this moment. “I know she is.”

Growing up, Steven had wondered constantly if he was really himself, or if his mother had left something behind inside him, some piece of her that would come back to haunt him eventually. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d suffered for her legacy. But when he’d been split apart for the first time, he’d known with absolute certainty that there was nothing left of her beyond memories. His core was void of all but his own data, leaving him as the sole ghost in the machine.

And that was the problem, wasn’t it? His mother was gone, and he was all that remained. He wasn’t Pink, he wasn’t Rose, sometimes he wasn’t even sure if he was really Steven anymore. There had been one shining moment when he’d fused back together for the first time, where he’d finally known for sure who he truly was, and now… That person was gone. It had slipped through his fingers like the clouds in his mother’s room, a mere illusion showing him only what he wanted to see. For too long he had acted as little more than a simulacrum of someone else, and now it was all he knew. Even when he wasn’t acting as their replacement, he was acting as their funeral, or a gravestone to mourn them at. The shroud covering their corpse, so nobody had to look at the rot underneath.

“I- I just…” He missed his human half fiercely, the way a starving man missed food. The ache in his chest twisted. “I just want to be _me_.”

Something brushed against his arm and he flinched as a small pink butterfly fluttered into view. It was followed by a second, and then a third, and more. They flocked around his head until he’d lost count, and soon an entire swarm danced through the air, weaving intricate paths between each other with eerie grace. Several landed on him, silent and weightless, and no matter how hard he tried to shake them off they would just perch on him again, refusing to leave him alone. He wasn’t sure when they’d appeared, or why he hadn’t noticed them, but now they were everywhere in an ever-thickening mass.

White stared at them, her mouth hanging partway open. “What is this? What’s going on?”

There was a rising pressure behind his eyes, pushing against the inside of his head until his ears popped. “I don’t…” He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to ignore the crowding insects as well as his own turbulent thoughts. If he couldn’t get fusing to work with the other diamond, then it wouldn’t work with anyone, which meant this was his only chance. If he could just break down that final barrier, they would be able to complete the transfer. But he couldn’t do it. Not even when his own life was on the line. The pain flared sharply without warning and he choked on a gasp as his skin rippled beneath his fingers.

No, this couldn’t be happening. Not now. He- he just had to-

_WARNING: SYSTEM CORRUPTION IMMINENT_

“Steven, what’s wrong?” White’s voice cut through his mounting panic like a lightning bolt. He saw her raise a hesitant hand towards him in his peripheral vision. “Are you-? Oh stars, you are!” She bit her lip, then leaned forward anxiously, trying to get his attention. “Steven, listen to me, you have to calm down! If you corrupt while we’re partially connected like this, it could spread to me!”

His whole frame distorted for a brief moment, sending the butterflies that had landed on him scattering into a frenzied cloud before it snapped painfully back into place once more. He hadn’t anticipated how easily he would lose control. He was too used to being whole, and another gem wasn’t a viable replacement for his Body. There was no proper conduit for his emotions, and without a filter to help him process things it was just too much all at once. Maybe he should have expected it to some degree, after all, he remembered quite vividly what he’d done the last time he’d been taken out. The scream. The _rage_. It had served him well back then, acting in his defence, but it was not serving him well now.

White had frozen like a deer in headlights. “What do we do!?”

“I…” He shook himself, struggling to focus, but that only served to rattle everything around inside his head like a can of marbles. “I need… I need…”

She moved closer, hovering over him as she tried to shoo away some of the butterflies. “What? What do you need?”

“Steven…” He groaned as another ripple passed over him, holding himself tighter as if he could somehow physically hold his form together. “I need… To be Steven…” Most of the butterflies ignored White’s attempts at driving them away, returning to formation within seconds. Some had turned their attention to her, however, and they began swarming up her arms and over her body. She pulled away, brushing at the small creatures, but they were once again determined to stick close to their target.

After a few seconds of failure, she gave up, letting out a frustrated huff. “Well the reason we’re doing this in the first place is because you can’t fuse with him! And _I_ certainly can’t fuse with him!” She paused. “Although… I believe one of the engineers mentioned looking into substitution. But that would be preposterous!” He could hear her fingers drumming out an irregular beat on her knees. “… Right?”

Substitution. Providing his Body with energy from her directly, rather than by proxy through him. They hadn’t considered the possibility that his human half could fuse with a gem other than him, but it wasn’t exactly a crazy idea. What if any diamond would work? Even just the thought of it was repulsive. It was _his_ Body, no one else’s, if his Body were to fuse with someone other than him that would be obscene. But… “Not… Without me…”

She clicked her tongue. “Well then what if-?”

“Not _without me._ ” He insisted again through gritted teeth.

She paused, confused. “What are you talking about?”

An idea had taken hold in his mind. He couldn’t allow another gem to just replace him, regardless of whether it would work or not, but that wasn’t the only option. While Steven’s gem couldn’t complete the fusion, maybe Steven could. On their own, the power requirement would be too great to fuse back together, but if they could finish connecting to White quickly enough then she could at least provide the power needed to sustain him until he finished the transfer. The energy needed wouldn’t have to be taken from his Body. Theoretically at least.

He looked up at her. “All three of us.”

“You mean, we all fuse together?” Her eyes narrowed. “Wait, you actually think it’s possible?”

“… There’s a higher than zero chance.” He honestly didn’t know what to think anymore, though he believed it was at least somewhat plausible. The half fusion with White was messing with his perception, tearing away at his already weakened control, and it was only going to get more difficult as time passed. All he knew was that he wanted to be back together, more than anything. When both parts of Steven were joined, they bolstered each other, completing a circuit that was currently broken. His human half required him to live, but he was just as dependant, taking little to no time to spiral without the cornerstone to his existence. They hadn’t been apart for long and he was already spitting sparks, liable to start a fire.

He still had his doubts. What if it didn’t work? Would Steven actually have an easier time completing the fusion than his gem half, or would he find it just as difficult? Could his human half even fuse if it involved anyone other than his gem half? What if some of the energy burden for maintaining the fusion was placed on his human half despite White having more than enough to make up for it?

But he didn’t know what else he could do. There had been doubts with every idea they’d considered up until now, especially the one with the car battery. If they’d exhausted all their other options, and if he fell short of what they needed from him, then they would have to start taking risks anyway. His instincts were telling him that this was it. This was their last chance, and he refused to give up on it. Whether they brought his human half in on it or not, he wasn’t going to stop trying to complete the fusion, even if it meant corrupting and taking White along with him. Maybe Steven wouldn’t have approved, but Steven wasn’t very good at prioritizing his own wellbeing. So, Steven’s gem had to do it for him.

White had watched him in silence, perhaps sensing his inner turmoil. “Do you think it will help your… Predicament?”

As she spoke another wave of vertigo hit him, and he felt his steadily elongating nails prick at his hardlight skin. He hunched over again, curling in around his gem. “… It is harder to corrupt… As a hybrid…” He growled. He could only hope it would be enough to stop the transformation. Several of the butterflies had come to rest on his knees, spreading their wings periodically. “The Primary System is at a lower risk of corruption… And he can fuse more efficiently…”

“Well, if you’re sure. I can certainly take on the energy requirements.” She rolled her shoulders. “Just… hold on then, I’m not exactly experienced with this sort of thing.” She muttered, before sitting back and closing her eyes.

He longed to fuse with his other half again, more than anything, but the steps he had to take to get there had shaken him more than he expected. He just wasn’t used to be so exposed. Conducting himself properly around Steven’s friends and family was hard enough. Nothing ever seemed to go right, for any part of him. He always had to take things into his own hands and _make_ them right. Though lately even that often ended in disaster somehow as well.

His thoughts were interrupted when the tenuous thread between White and him wavered, tugging at his mind. He felt something catch against it, like a bug in a web, though it didn’t struggle as it was reeled in.

Even the anticipation of reuniting brought a surge of relief, as if just the thought of being whole again was a balm on his agitated nerves. Maybe this really could work.

It had to. Because if it didn’t, there was only one other possible outcome, and that option was unacceptable.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Nobody had moved since the two diamonds had started to fuse, unsure of what they could even do to help once it had become apparent that things weren’t working the way they were supposed to. Garnet and Pearl were in the middle of a heated argument, Dr. Maheswaran was looking more resigned as time went on, and Peridot kept checking and rechecking her scanner as if looking through the information more thoroughly would yield a new solution. Steven’s human half just continued to wilt on the bench by the window, his eyes glued to the bright form of the diamonds.

Gravity was making its presence emphatically known, and he could tell he was starting to deteriorate more quickly now that he lacked his gem. Still, he refused to take his dad’s advice to lie back down. He needed to keep an eye on what was going on, because the thought of his other half going through this alone was far more painful than his poor health. So he kept watching, which was why he was the first to notice when the figure outside moved.

A long, arm-like piece of fusion material split from the silhouette and reached towards him in complete silence, slowing to a stop once it reached the deck since its hand was too big to fit through the window. Connie gasped, spotting it after him, and the sound alerted the rest of the group, which moved closer to him protectively in unison. His dad grabbed his shoulder, either to pull him back or push him down, but he waved the touch away.

“Connie, can you help me?” He gripped the window frame with shaking fingers, watching as the ghostly hand flattened to form a platform on the deck. It waited there patiently for him, motionless, and he knew it was for him because it couldn’t have been for anyone else. Connie obliged without protest, coming up next to him in order to pull one of his arms over her shoulder so she could heave him to his feet. It was like being propped up precariously on two slabs of lead instead of legs. Walking had been difficult enough as Steven after his transformation, but with his gem gone, it was next to impossible without assistance.

His dad stood by, looking torn between helping or interfering. “What’s happening?”

“He needs me.” Human Steven explained absently. He could feel it, that yearning, blooming in his chest and pulling him towards the fusion. “I have to join them.”

The others exchanged doubtful looks.

Lapis squinted at the diamonds warily. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Connie shrugged with her unoccupied shoulder, confident enough in his judgement not to question it. “His gem wouldn’t let him do anything that would endanger him.”

“But what if his gem isn’t the one in control right now?” Bismuth murmured, suspicion in her gaze as well. Old prejudices died hard, especially after the revelation they’d had about Steven’s previous experiences with White.

“I can sense him.” Human Steven assured her. "It's alright." Connie seemed to think that was explanation enough, and she started to guide him to the doorway. He nearly fell over after attempting his first step, since even Connie couldn’t support all of his weight in such an awkward position, but Greg quickly jumped to support him from the other side. He appreciated the help, knowing his dad was still torn on what to do.

Slowly they made their way outside. He tried his best to help the process, but all he could manage was a weak shuffle. Thank the stars for Bismuth’s high quality of work, otherwise his feet would surely be full of splinters. If he ended up falling over at least he wouldn’t have to worry about getting wood embedded in his face.

Amethyst followed them out first, worry clouding her face. “Woah hold on, we don’t even know what’s going on! Hey Garnet!” Garnet had been right behind her, with everyone else close on her heels. Only Dr. Maheswaran hung back in the doorway, watching things unfold pensively. “What do you see?”

“Fusions are tricky.” Garnet answered after some consideration. “I do see him joining them, but after that, all of their streams become tangled.” She sighed, removing her visor to rub at her third eye. “Steven is hard enough to read on his own. His gem is somehow even more unpredictable.”

It was surprising, in a way, that gem Steven wasn’t easier to predict, due to his tendency to act based on pre-established protocol, and his limited ability to make decisions without instruction. But on a deeper level, it made sense. He wasn’t just a gem version of Steven, he was Steven’s gem, of course that would make things more complicated.

“That said,” Garnet continued, “In the streams where he doesn’t join them, I don’t see any positive outcomes. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist, but if they do, they’re less likely.”

Amethyst huffed. “What, so it’s a gamble either way?”

“We can take an educated guess.” Garnet put her visor back on and folded her arms. “All I can say is that letting him go through with it seems like the better option at the moment.”

“Even though you don’t know what’ll happen?” Greg asked, skeptical.

A brief smile touched her lips, at odds with the conflict they were facing. “Steven has a way of making unknown situations work out in the end.”

Steven’s human half tugged at Greg’s shoulder. “Please, dad.” His plea was soft but filled with all the emotion he could muster in his failing body.

Greg sighed, slumping with resignation. “I don’t know really know how any of this works, but if this is what you need… Then I’ll help in any way I can.”

“Thank you.” Human Steven smiled, his heart swelling with gratitude. Everyone looked on anxiously as Greg and Connie lifted him carefully onto the giant hand.

It buzzed beneath him, filled to the brim with volatile energy that licked over his fingers and against his legs. He half expected to be absorbed into the fusion right where he sat, but instead, it lifted him up in front of it, mirroring the way his gem half had fused with White nearly an hour earlier. Its face was featureless, shifting endlessly like mist in the wind.

It occurred to him at the last moment that he didn’t know how he was supposed to go about this, but he could feel the pull of his other half and it was impossible to resist. All he could do was follow his instincts. He was pressed gently to the warm surface of the fusion, and he reciprocated in kind, laying his palms flat against it as wispy tendrils crawled up his arms.

In the space between heartbeats, he slipped through, tumbling from one existence into another.

It didn’t feel like regular fusion. That realization struck him instantly. For Steven, fusing was like two people trying to put on one giant sweater at the same time. If they knew each other well and knew what they were doing, it wasn’t that difficult. Often those who were close enough found it to be easy, or even comfortable, and likewise, anyone who didn’t get along or couldn’t coordinate together would find themselves getting tangled. In those cases, they either had to take the sweater off, or risk ripping it in half. Adding more people to the sweater wasn’t impossible, but it did make it harder to keep it from tearing. However, this time the experience was not like donning a sweater with other people at all, it was like _being_ the sweater. He passed through into the fusion as if it had never been solid to begin with and all at once he was stretched to the breaking point. Threads frayed and stitches popped, pulling him apart at the seams. It _hurt_.

But the pain didn’t last long. Something curled underneath him, soothing the agony instantly. He was glad for the respite but his relief quickly fled when he opened his eyes. He recognized the fingers cupped around him, tipped with those dreaded black nails, and his automatic response was to struggle in their grip.

“Oh, it actually worked!” White exclaimed above him. Her booming voice didn’t help matters. “Goodness, would you hold still please? I’m trying to figure out how to do this safely!”

He pushed impatiently against her, hyperaware of his thundering pulse as it rose to a speed that he was sure would be bad for his blood pressure.

She tsked. “Alright, fine! Let me put you down at least before you fall and hurt yourself.” He felt himself being lowered, but he wasn’t able to relax until his feet were finally flat on the ground. This whole situation was just far too familiar for comfort.

The first thing he saw when White’s hand pulled away from him was butterflies. Lots and lots of butterflies. They twirled and cavorted like fairies in front of a black velvet backdrop, though he realized after a moment that they weren’t actually performing in front of anything, just an endless expanse of darkness.

In the midst of them was his mirror image.

The diamond was curled up on his knees, coated in the insects. Sensing the arrival of his other half, he looked up, his posture strained from head to toe, and the urge to go to him was all-encompassing. But the instant human Steven tried to take a step forward he wobbled, nearly collapsing until White lent him her hand again as support. “What happened? Are you okay!?” He gasped, trying to gain a more reliable sense of balance without having to use one of White’s fingers as a crutch.

“I…” His gem grunted, and he noticed with rising horror that gem Steven now had claws to match his fangs.

“He’s corrupting.” White’s voice was an octave higher than usual as she rushed to explain, though he had figured out as much already. “I didn’t know what to do, but he asked for you.”

Gem Steven struggled to straighten from his hunched position. “I- _we_ need… To be Steven…” He went rigid as his skin flickered. It bubbled across his face and neck, looking rather grotesque, before settling back into its original shape. He looked a bit wilder than he had before. More feral. His hair had gone past mussed all the way to a completely tangled mess, and his voice was hoarse. “… Steven has to finish the fusion and… receive the charge…”

Human Steven’s eyes raked over his gem, horrified. “It didn’t work?”

“… The Core System was… Unable to finalize the fusion process….” The gem’s gaze fell to his knees. “I… failed.”

Standing wasn’t doing Steven’s human half any favours, so he knelt as well. “Hey, that’s alright. We can do it together then. Isn’t that why you brought me here?” He waved away White’s offered support and scooted forward, ignoring his trembling arms and his all but useless legs. The larger diamond took the hint and kept her distance as he made his way slowly to his gem.

Gem Steven shook his head. “A successful fusion would not have endangered you…” The pain and shame contained in those words might not have been apparent to anyone else, but it was to his human.

“Well you were already in danger, so now we’re even.” Human Steven reached out as soon as he was close enough and took his gem’s hands, pulling them away from where their claws had torn holes in the hardlight version of Steven’s jacket. A few butterflies zig-zagged into the air before returning to land along both of their arms. He didn't bother acknowledging them, too focused on his other half. “Now, what do you need me to do?”

The diamond’s shoulders loosened by a few increments, his equivalent of a relieved sigh. “… I need you to fuse with me. We need to reinstate the Primary System...”

Human Steven nodded. “Okay, so we need to fuse back together. Will that be safe?”

There was a beat of silence before gem Steven answered. “… If the fusion is able to finalize immediately… The open connection should take priority over the auxiliary supply.”

Human Steven couldn’t help but wish he’d gotten the same copy of the instruction manual his gem apparently had access to, because so far, he was just along for the ride. “I think I understand. Steven just has to fuse with White Diamond right away, right?. It’s… Worth a try, I think. If it’ll keep you from corrupting.” He peered into his gem’s face. “ _Will_ it keep you from corrupting?”

“I… It will increase our chances of resisting system corruption...” Gem Steven looked away as he spoke, disappointed in his lack of confidence over the outcome.

The human half did his best to muster up an encouraging smile. “Then let’s give it a shot. Can’t hurt, right?”

“It can.” The gem replied bluntly. “But… I don’t know how to succeed without risk…” His taloned hands flexed in the human’s grasp, careful not to catch the skin. “… this is all I could think of… The Primary System is more proficient at fusing than the Core System.” A patch of pink scales peeked out from under one of his sleeves as he shifted uncomfortably.

“I thought you did pretty good when fusing with the gems.” Human Steven shrugged a shoulder. “Even if it was really weird.”

Gem Steven tilted his head.

His human leaned in conspiratorially. “It was super weird, right?”

“…” The diamond’s eyes went distant. “… It was unpleasant. I prefer you.”

“I thought so.” Human Steven giggled, then let out a heavy breath. “Okay. Well, it’s now or never, I guess. Ready when you are.” He watched his other half expectantly.

But his gem balked, staring at him with fresh intensity as if searching for answers to a newly-introduced problem.

Unease filtered down his spine. “What? What’s wrong?”

Gem Steven looked back down at their linked hands as his grip tightened. “I thought…” He faltered, struggling to articulate the problem.

“Oh…” The human’s face softened with sympathy. “No, it’s not because of me.” He could sense the confusion in his other half as once more the gem’s gaze met his. He sighed, giving his diamond a knowing look. “I was willing to fuse as soon as I joined. If it was up to me… We would have already. Since we haven’t… I thought maybe you weren’t ready.” The wide-eyed look he got in return would almost be funny, in any other scenario. “Is there something going on with you, maybe?

“… Me?” The gem shook his head. “No. Fusing is necessary.” His fingers clenched tightly, though he relaxed them immediately when his human winced. “I want to be Steven.” He insisted.

“I believe you!” The human half assured him. “But you know Steven, he’s complicated sometimes, which means _we’re_ complicated sometimes too.” He shrugged a shoulder. “Maybe there’s… Something on your mind? Something bothering you?”

The only response he got was a blank silence. It wasn’t as if the gem was refusing to answer, he just seemed to be at a loss for words.

“Are you… Mad at me?” Human Steven ventured, suddenly nervous as the possibility occurred to him.

“No.”

That was a relief. “Then, is it because you’re embarrassed?”

“… No.”

“Ok, uh…” He studied his other half carefully. The ghostly kaleidoscope continued to swirl above their heads, bright wings striking in the darkness. “… Are you scared?”

“…”

Bingo. He shuffled a bit closer until their knees were touching. Even in fusion limbo, the contact was soothing. “What are you afraid of?”

The diamond stared into the middle distance as he processed the question. Every so often his knuckles would bulge and swell before shrinking again as his form reacted to his thoughts, and the butterflies that haunted them would shift and flash their wings in tune with his agitation. “… It doesn’t make sense.”

“Try me.”

He curled up further.

His human half raised an expectant eyebrow. “Well?”

“Without me… Steven can’t corrupt.” His shoulders were stiff with unspoken regret.

Human Steven blinked. “Um, yeah. But I’d also die.”

“I am aware of that.” Gem Steven replied curtly, one of his eyebrows twitching. He continued. “Without me, Steven wouldn't be able to set off the emergency defences when environmental processing is faulty.”

The human held a hand up. “Woah slow down. Are you talking about Steven’s pink episodes? Is that what this is about?”

There was a pause. “… Without me, Steven-”

“Without you, Steven can’t exist!” Human Steven snapped. “Why are you talking like- like he’d be better off without you?”

The gem didn’t bother denying it. “It would be natural for him to resent me.”

The human reared back, baffled. “What!? No! I mean… He got mad about his gem powers a few times I guess, but that was in the heat of the moment because he was upset, and it’s not like he was mad at you specifically! You should know that!” He growled in frustration. “Look, I get it. This is easier for me because I act a lot like him, so people treat me more like him. But Garnet acts more like Sapphire than Ruby most of the time, does that mean that Ruby isn’t part of who she is?”

If he didn’t know better, he’d say the diamond was sulking. “A multi-gem fusion is different from a hybrid fusion.” Gem Steven replied, continuing to avoid eye contact. “I’ve established previously that it doesn’t make sense.” He added in response to the human’s glare.

“Do you…” Human Steven bit his lip. “Do you not like being Steven?” Even suggesting it felt like blasphemy, but the mention of resentment concerned him.

Gem Steven’s head snapped up and his spine went rigid with indignation. “I do.”

“Well, it’s not like I make things easy for you either!” He threw his arms in the air. “Without me, you’d be strong, practically invincible! And without me, you wouldn’t have to worry about all my dumb human problems either!” He levelled a finger at his gem’s face. “So why would you want to fuse with me if I just drag you down?”

“You provide balance and stability.” The diamond argued. His claws dug into the fabric of his pants. “I want to be Steven.”

Human Steven dropped the accusatory act, frowning. “You _are_ Steven.” He put his hands on gem Steven’s shoulders, shaking him gently. “If I provide balance then so do you, we support each other equally.” One half was weak, both physically and spiritually. The other was lost, directionless in both action and emotion. Together they could be so much more than the sum of their parts. “When you’re not there with me then Steven isn’t there. And if I’m not there with you, Steven isn’t there either. It’s like…” he hummed thoughtfully. “It’s like a puzzle. There are individual pieces that exist separately from the finished picture, but without them, there wouldn’t be a puzzle at all.” He shook his gem again, a bit harder this time for emphasis. “The pieces _are_ the puzzle.”

He remembered Spinel, all those months ago, speculating on the nature of what made someone who they were. Each piece he’d unearthed, refreshed, and relived with his family had been an irreplaceable building block. He knew the same concept applied here. They were the foundation upon which Steven was built. Human, and gem. Two sides in harmony.

Gem Steven’s mouth had dropped open as if he was shocked by the assertion that he was indeed important, not an unwanted barnacle that needed to be scraped off to streamline the vessel it clung to.

“Now tell me.” The human grabbed at his gem’s hands again, clutching them tightly. “Do you like being Steven?”

“I… Do like being Steven.” Steven’s gem replied softly, his posture relaxing. He rubbed the back of his human’s fingers reverently. “I love Steven.”

A wave of warmth spread through them both from where they touched, like sunshine after a rainstorm. One of the butterflies came to rest between them for a brief moment, before taking off into the darkness, disappearing without a sound.

Human Steven smiled warmly. “I love Steven too.” He pulled the diamond into a hug, clutching his other half to him as tightly as he could manage. It felt right, exactly like two puzzle pieces slotting together, and he couldn’t imagine how horrible life would be if they were forced to stay apart forever. Death would be a mercy at that point. “Do you want to be Steven with me?” He whispered into the crook of his gem’s neck. He was sick of being alone.

“… Yes.” Gem Steven replied, equally as hushed.

With that word it was like something had unlocked inside them, letting the door separating them swing open. Every point of contact was charged with sizzling energy that bloomed across their bodies, connecting their forms, until it was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began. A flare of all-encompassing light swept them up, glowing, laughing, and they spun together in a familiar eternal dance.

Finally, after far too long, they fused.

Steven was whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: another gorgeous fanart from Ashidaii! Thank you so much!! https://ashidaii.tumblr.com/post/630010960375054336/aid-to-navigation-really-hits-different-fic-by
> 
> My hot take on gem Steven is that he's the emotionally unstable one.
> 
> Can you guess which butterfly species I referenced for my picture? ;)
> 
> Art by me! If you'd like, you can check out more of my stuff here: http://infriga.tumblr.com/tagged/fanart
> 
> Comments are greatly loved and appreciated! I read every single one, usually multiple times haha. If I don't reply it's usually because I'm shy and I don't know what to say, but I'm grateful for every single one!


	9. Harbour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harbour: A sheltered body of water where ships can dock and find protection from rough seas.

They blinked, slowly, heavily. Pale fingers flexed, held up to their face, glowing brightly against the muted colours of the evening.

“Who am I?” They asked, then jumped at the unfamiliar sound of their own voice. It chimed in their own ears like the ring of a bell.

Part of them was supposed to know how this worked. “I’m…” They squinted, muttering to themselves. As they raised their arms to study their limbs their sleeves slid to their elbows, revealing an expanse of rose-tinted skin so pale it was almost white. “I’m… Pink? No.” They shook their head emphatically, feeling the tug of heavy curls at the movement. “Not pink. I’m… Brighter.” Calling themselves Pink felt wrong, even though mixing with a white diamond should only lighten their colour, not change it.

“Um… Hello?” A little voice came from a group of little people on the balcony. Tiny figures that looked like dolls in front of a dollhouse.

They weren’t used to being big. Or maybe they were, but not this big. “Hello.” They replied. They were pretty sure that was the polite thing to do. “Can I help you?”

The doll that had spoken gaped at them. Connie, their memory supplied. They liked Connie. She peered up at them. “Um, did everything go okay? Is Steven alright?”

They tilted their head. “Steven?”

“Yes, is he… Is he okay? Did it work?”

“Hmm…” They pondered this as they went back to staring at their hands. “Well, they must have fused, since I’m here.” They leaned in closer to the deck. “I’m new.” They told her conspiratorially. “I’m trying to figure out who I am, that’s a very important thing to know.”

Connie raised an eyebrow, glancing at the others. She got a series of shrugs and shaking heads in response until Peridot stepped forward.

Peridot was even smaller than the rest, like a little green bean. How cute. “There’s no known record of White and Pink Diamond fusing before, not that I’ve seen at least.” She said, fascination written all over her features.

They almost reached for her, struck with the sudden desire to pick her up and look at her more closely, but their arm froze as they reminded themself that picking people up without permission was in bad taste. They pulled back and stuffed their hands into their sleeves, hiding beneath the soft flowing fabric.

Peridot continued. “But usually a gem has a way of just… Knowing who they are, once they’ve been made.” She rubbed her chin, looking perplexed. “This one looks like a regular diamond. Light Pink maybe?”

“But I’m not Pink.” They sighed.

“Uhm.” Peridot folded her arms, raising a brow. “You are though.”

“I know I’m pink, but I’m not Pink.” They explained, a familiar exasperation welling up in their chest when all they got was a baffled look in response. “I can’t be Pink Diamond, she already existed, and she wasn’t me.”

“Light pink and pink are different, aren’t they?”

“I’m sorry, it just won’t do.” They insisted. “I can’t be Pink Diamond, light or otherwise.”

The little gem was unconvinced. “But half of you is _a_ pink diamond.”

Ridiculous, didn’t any of them pay attention? “Half of me is _Steven_ , silly.”

Peridot paused, then shrugged, admitting defeat. “Then I have no idea what you are.”

“Maybe you can figure it out after we help Steven?” Connie suggested.

They hummed. “But how am I supposed to introduce myself otherwise?”

The others seemed at a loss for words, but this was important to them. They puzzled over it, ignoring the murmurs of confusion that rose up on the balcony.

“Hello, I’m… Greetings, my name is…” They tried, hoping it would come to them instinctively. Something niggled at their mind, brushing along the edges of their thoughts.

They remembered a bundle of pale pink flowers clutched in the hands of an old Korean woman, during the trip to Korea two years ago. Their, no, Steven’s Dad had just been taken by Blue Diamond, and Garnet was leading the way back to a hidden warp pad. Someone had caught their attention, tugging at his sleeve, and she raised a withered finger to brush a tear from his cheek when he turned to her. He recognized her as part of the group he’d befriended earlier. He couldn’t understand what she was saying, she spoke too quickly, but he did his best to offer a wobbly smile as she gathered his hands in hers. She’d pressed one of her flowers into his palms before patting him on the arm, and he’d kept it cradled gently against his chest all the way home. When they went to space, he’d left it pressed between the pages one of his books, where it had waited until he and Connie were able to look up what it was called a few weeks later. _Rhododendron schlippenbachii_ Connie had recited from her book of plants. Royal Azalea.

“Azalea.” The word slipped from their mouth, feeling right on their tongue. “I am Azalea Diamond.” The discussion cut off below as everyone looked up at them with wide eyes. They smiled. “Nice to meet you.”

\-------------------------------------

Azalea Diamond was… Quite large, to put it mildly. The pale fusion towered over everyone, despite being in a seated position, and the mass of curls on their head only made them look larger. The name was fitting since the shape of their hair made them look like a giant flower.

“Nice to meet you too.” Connie replied. “How do you feel?”

They considered her question, pastel pink eyes sliding away in thought. “Is there a way I’m supposed to feel?”

She rubbed her neck. It was starting to get sore after having her head craned back for so long. “Um… I don’t know.”

“Well, let me get a good look at myself.” They moved to stand, rising with surprising grace and speed. It nearly gave Connie vertigo, seeing something so big loom over her, and Azalea seemed to share the sentiment. “Oh dear.” They said. Their voice was still easy to hear no matter how far away their head was. “I’m very tall.”

It was hard to judge at this scale, but they looked at least 50% taller than White had been. They wore some sort of robe that fell to mid-calf, made of thin fabric that drifted in the breeze, with pale vertical stripes that ran down the length of it. Their midsection was exposed to show off Steven’s gem, and their tight collared shirt was a slightly darker shade of pink, emblazoned with a bright white star. They turned in a circle, the sound of their footsteps echoing along the beach as they studied themself. Their gems sat in their forehead and stomach, both pink as well, but they were several degrees lighter than Steven’s usually was.

They pressed a hand to one of their rounded cheeks. “I guess I feel… Big.” They concluded, sitting down once more. It was not unlike seeing a building collapse in on itself. A rush of air accompanied the movement, displaced by the large fusion, and they were battered by the wind.

“Okay…” Connie was trying to remain patient, but not knowing the state of Steven’s wellbeing was beginning to grate on her. “Now that you know who you are, do you think you can tell us if Steven is okay?”

“Well, I suppose he must be.” They chuckled lightly. “Or else I wouldn’t be here.”

She bit her lip. “Even if something happened to his human half?”

“ _Especially_ if something happened to his human half.” They leaned forward to bring their face even closer, placing their chin on one of their hands. Their bright pink eyes bored into Connie, with a white diamond at the center of each that seemed to sparkle as they watched her every movement. It was strange, knowing that part of them was Steven, but in a different way from his other fusions. It’s not like she couldn’t see it. He was there in the round face and soft cheeks, or the affection that accompanied their indulgent smile. But it was undeniable that Azalea was a diamond in every sense of the word. They didn’t look or act regally by any means, but they _felt_ like someone she was supposed to bow to. Looking at them directly brought with it the urge to avert her gaze out of respect. She’d never felt that towards any of the regular diamonds, but this one was different. More.

“So then.” She shuffled her feet, feeling off-balance. “Are you able to recharge him?” She knew better by now than to take for granted whether this would work or not.

“Oh yes, that’s easy.” Their voice was lighter than she felt the situation warranted. “I have more than enough energy.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. So, can you do that now then?”

They balked, and their face fell as if they hadn’t expected that reply. “Yes. Of course… If that’s what you want.” They didn’t sound too enthusiastic about it.

Oh boy. She stepped forward, laying her hands on the railing as she studied the giant fusion. “… Is something wrong?”

“Well, it’s just…” They grimaced. “I only just got here.” One pale hand fiddled with the loose fabric of their pants. “It’d be a shame to leave so soon. It’s my first time existing after all.” Their expression turned melancholy. “And I doubt I’ll ever exist again.”

Right. The chances of Steven and White ever fusing after this were slim, which meant that once they unfused Azalea would most likely be gone for good. It was a sobering realization, but she couldn’t help but be surprised that they wanted to stick around for a bit. She would have assumed that the fusion would dissolve as soon as they had the chance. Steven didn’t exactly enjoy White’s company for extended periods of time, so fusion would probably be uncomfortable for him. Or so she had thought.

“I guess we can hang out for a bit.” She offered, biting back a smile when the diamond perked up. Like a cat being offered a piece of string. “We could get to know each other a bit more.”

They smirked. “Oh, I know all about you already. Though I guess you don’t know anything about me. _I_ don’t know anything about me.” Their brows drew together. “Wait, then how am I supposed to tell you about myself?”

This time Connie did smile. “We can figure it out together.”

Their eyes sparkled. They had Steven’s curiosity, that was for sure. “Ok, ask me a question!”

“Oh, uh…” She looked around, trying to think of something. “Salty or sweet?”

They drew back, considering. “Hmm… Spicy.”

Not what she’d expected, but interesting. “Cats or dogs?”

Their face drooped dramatically. “I’m supposed to choose?”

She laughed. “Both then. Homeworld, or earth?”

That got them to pause. “… No fair.” They grumbled. “I’ve never been to Homeworld.”

She squinted. “You’ve never eaten anything spicy before either.” Fusions couldn’t exactly read the minds of their components, Pink’s secret would have been discovered much sooner if that was the case, but they could still recall past sensations and knowledge as if it was their own, providing the original owner of those memories allowed access to them. Over an extended period keeping things secret and hidden grew exponentially more difficult, but for brief moments of unity, it was easy enough to keep everyone’s privacy intact.

“Mmh.” They pouted, folding their arms with a huff. “Then… Earth, I guess.”

She’d always wondered how fusions developed their own opinions separate from their components. She knew what sort of things Stevonnie liked, but why they liked them was a mystery. Maybe it was a mix between the thoughts and desires of their different halves, or maybe it was something that developed naturally on its own, unique to the divisible individual. There was no real way to know for sure.

She didn’t push for an explanation though. “Blue Diamond, or Yellow Diamond?”

“Now you’re just being mean.” They chided, giving her a knowing look.

Peridot stepped forward then, her face lit up with curiosity. “What powers do you have?” She asked.

“I…” Their eyes went wide. “I have no idea.” The thought of what a diamond fusion could possibly do was intimidating. They practically radiated power as it was, and right now they would only be at half charge at the most. “I haven’t really thought about it. I’d rather not risk any property damage.”

“Do you have a weapon?” Bismuth cut in. She had her hands on her hips, looking cautious, but not hostile. It was probably strange for her to meet someone who was above even the highest upper crusts of past gem society.

Azalea’s fingers flexed as they pondered the possibilities. “Probably?” They concluded.

From there the questions grew, coming at the diamond from each member of the group as the tension that had accompanied their initial formation slowly subsided. Their favourite colour was yellow, they didn’t have a favourite day of the week, they refused to say who the coolest Crystal Gem was, and so on and so forth. At first, they were enthusiastic, answering each question happily, but as time wore on their cheer faltered. They withdrew, their answers growing shorter and less sure. They were naturally expressive, so it was easy to see the turmoil brewing on their face.

Greg seemed to notice their lowering mood at the same time Connie did. He always did his best to act natural around Steven’s fusions, and Azalea was no different. “What’s the matter?” He asked.

Their eyes flickered over to him. “Oh, well. It’s nothing important.”

He scratched at his beard, seeming to consider whether he should push the issue. “It doesn’t have to be important to talk about it you know.” He assured them. Determination crept into his voice as he made his decision.

They paused, then sighed. “Well, after learning all this stuff about myself, and getting acquainted with all of you, I just… I couldn’t help but wonder…” Something tired lined their features, making them look both very young, and very old at the same time. “Is this how she felt?”

They didn’t speak the name, but that simple pronoun held so much weight to it that the subject they were referring to was unmistakable. Still, some part of Connie didn’t want to confirm it, didn’t want to voice the question and know for sure.

Greg’s face was drawn with resignation. It didn’t stop him from asking. “She?”

“My…” They wrinkled their nose, and Connie could sympathize. She remembered what it was like as Stevonnie, trying to reconcile loved ones in their head when someone could be both theirs and not theirs at the same time. Should they call Greg "dad"? Or Doug? Or both? Or neither? Figuring out the least awkward way of addressing people had been half the struggle of introducing themselves to their families. At least with the gems they only ever used names.

“Pink.” Azalea finally decided. “I was wondering if this was how Pink felt when she...” They glanced down at their hands, picking at their knuckles with rounded fingernails. “Well, you know.”

When she decided to give up her life to have a son. To have Steven.

“It’s not the same as dying.” They murmured, “But, it’s a bit frightening, to think of going away, possibly forever. I know I can’t stay, but… This is more difficult than I expected.”

She wanted to offer encouragement, to tell them that there was always a chance that Steven and White would fuse again someday, but she knew that was unlikely, and she didn’t want to give them false hope. So, they were essentially doing the same thing Rose had done, giving up their form so that Steven could exist. And how unfair was that? Yet another price to be paid for who he was. Forfeiting the life of another in exchange for his own. Only this time, White had been dragged in alongside him. It had been her choice, to make up for past decisions that had led them here, but Steven might not see it that way.

Greg’s voice was soft as he replied. “I think she felt a lot of things. Excitement, fear, hope, uncertainty. But more than anything else I think she felt… Love, for who Steven would be, the things he would do, and all the ways he would grow and change. She loved him even though she would never get to know him. Unconditionally.” He smiled, his expression bittersweet with a mixture of grief and guilt-tinged gratitude. “I’m sure you know what sort of things people are willing to do for love. Good, or bad.” Behind him, the Crystal Gems nodded in solidarity. “In the end, she just did what made her happy.”

It was easy to forget sometimes, but the four of them had both lost, and received, the most important people in their lives in the same instant. Could they ever mourn Rose without lamenting Steven’s birth? Or celebrate Steven’s birth without praising Rose’s death? Connie didn’t know the answer to that, and she hoped she never would.

Azalea had a hand pressed to their mouth, eyes shining with moisture and awe. “I see…” They croaked, then cleared their throat, cheeks darkening with a blush at the loss of composure. “I… I think I understand now. Love…” They laughed. “Why didn’t I think of that?”

That was what fusions were made of, after all. Even ones like Malachite had a kind of love to them, as warped and badly aimed as it was. Love of power, control, or revenge. Connie wondered what kind Azalea was made of.

Their eyes slid shut as they let out a stream of breath, straightening their spine and smoothing out their features. “Alright. I think I’m ready now.” They leaned back on their hands and tilted their head back to look at the night sky one last time.

“It really was nice to meet you.” Connie told them, and she meant it. She hadn’t known them for very long, but the rise and fall of a diamond wasn’t something she would soon forget. It left quite the impression, like a meteor burning up in the earth’s atmosphere. A shooting star at the end of its journey.

They glanced down at her, and one corner of their mouth lifted ruefully. “It was nice to meet you too, dear. I hope my introduction was memorable.” Oh, it was, and more.

“There’s one more question I wanted to ask.” Lapis cut in, looking pensive. She’d been reserved during the earlier conversation, but right now there was a burning interest in her tone. Azalea leaned in to listen. “White, or Steven?”

It was a pretty loaded question, but the response she got was just a light-hearted laugh. “Oh, that one’s easy.” They chuckled, diamond pupils twinkling with mirth. “Both!”

And with a flash of brilliant sparks, they were gone.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

Steven was thrust back into reality in a surge of overwhelming sound and colour, sensations crashing into him from every direction as he stumbled to his knees on the beach. His vision was sharpened, oversaturated like someone had turned the HDR filter up too high inside his head, and he could feel each individual grain that tumbled over his hands in excruciating detail as he dug his fingers into the sand beneath him. Everything was too loud, too bright, all at once.

Someone behind him let out a high pitched shout of surprise and exertion, and the world shuddered as something thumped onto the ground with great force. There were calls from above, growing closer, and he struggled to lift his head just as his dad reached the bottom of the stairs.

He smiled widely, a wave of relief crashing over him as he realized he was back. He was still alive. “I- I’m okay!” He gasped. “I’m okay!”

And then he promptly passed out.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

“-aid he was okay!”

“He should be! I have plenty of energy left, and he’s still alive, so it has to be something else!”

“Like what? Some other mysterious illness or condition that suddenly showed up?”

Strange. Steven didn’t remember closing his eyes.

His face was pressed against something soft and moving. It smelled of salt, and sweat, and a hint of the soap from his dad’s car wash. Not the best combination, but it filled his nose in an oddly comforting way. He took in a deep breath and the thing holding him jumped, a shocked exclamation vibrating through it with the familiar timbre of his dad’s voice.

“Steven?”

“What’s going on?” he tried to say, but as it turned out, the wall of cloth and dad covering his mouth didn’t do much to facilitate conversation. Neither did a tongue full of lead and a mouth that seemed to have forgotten how mouths worked. What came out was more of a garbled mess of vowels and confused noises rather than anything that resembled speech.

“Oh no, he’s speaking in tongues!”

“I think he’s just slurring his words…”

He was moved away from the soft thing, and turned slightly, which reminded him that gravity still existed and sent the world tilting on its axis. He blinked up at the fuzzy shape of his dad, who leaned over him looking worried.

“Steven, can you hear me?”

Yes, he thought. Except he realized he should probably say that out loud. “Hnnggghh…” he said out loud.

His dad’s face just grew a few more wrinkles and huffed in frustration. “C’mon buddy, you gotta work with me here or I’m gonna start freaking out.” Greg’s voice was taut, frayed at the edges like a rope stretched too tight.

Well that was easier said than done when all your senses were shifted to the left of where they were supposed to be. When he tried to look at anything specific his eyes just slid about randomly, and each attempt to squeeze air past his vocal cords was as likely to activate random muscles in his face as it was to produce any sound. Even when he did manage that, getting his mouth to form words was a level of difficulty on par with climbing a mountain. Steven would have explained all that if he could, but instead, he was only able to flutter his eyelashes a bit and lie there feeling like a wet piece of bread.

He tried again, making a conscious effort to move his lips and project actual words out of his mouth. “UgghhhhI… Feeel Weirrrd…” He managed to blurt out. Someone grabbed one of his arms, distracting him from his minor success at figuring out how to talk. He attempted to shake them off, jabbing his opposite elbow into his own ribs as a result, then gave up and accepted his fate as the limb was commandeered.

“His heart rate is improving.” The grip on his wrist announced, sounding an awful lot like Connie’s mom.

“So, he’s getting better?”

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. Connie, did this happen last time?”

Connie’s reply drifted over him, soothing. “No, he was back to normal right away. But it only lasted a few minutes back then.”

“And the circumstances of his fusion were much different.”

Like he’d put the sweater on wrong. Except it was his own body, and he was the only one wearing it. Okay, maybe that analogy didn’t track well between the two types of fusion, but _something_ was definitely crooked. The spiritual equivalent of putting his arms in the wrong sleeves.

Speaking of clothes, he was still shirtless, exposing his stomach to cooling air. The cold spread over his torso as he shivered. Wait… His stomach…

He lurched in a sudden attempt to lift his head and look down at his body, though the signals got crossed halfway between his brain and his limbs and he only managed to kick his legs weakly. “Mmhhhy gemmm…” he groaned.

His dad clutched him closer, trying to calm his movements. “Woah, okay hold on a sec.”

One of Greg’s broad hands moved to push him up into more of a seated position, just as he managed to figure out which muscles controlled his neck, and he got a good look at the pristine diamond sitting exactly where it was supposed to be. It shone a vibrant pink as if nothing had ever happened to it. He was so happy to see it he could cry.

And maybe he did, a little bit, because he was once again pulled to his dad’s chest as fingers petted his hair. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s back, and whatever’s going on, we’re going to figure it out.”

He wanted to reply, to explain that he was just overwhelmed and grateful to be back together again. His fingers flexed against his dad’s shirt instead.

“Maybe these are just some lingering side effects?” He heard Pearl suggest. “He already seems a bit more, um, present than he was before.”

“That’s certainly a possibility.” Someone else came into his field of vision, and he realized that the wrist thief really had been Doctor Maheswaran. “I’m going to check you over, is that alright?” She asked.

He tried to nod. He failed. “Yyyyhheah.”

It was just as uncomfortable as the previous exams, with an extra layer of awkward due to his uncooperative muscles. When she told him to follow her finger, he looked up when he meant to look right. When she asked him to open his mouth, he winked at her. Her request for him to lift an arm earned her a bent knee or wiggled foot. Ad nauseam. After a few tries he was able to adjust each time, eventually managing to perform the right action, if unsteady and trembling. But it was tedious, and he was starting to get nervous about how even the simplest tasks took so much effort to do the right way.

“Well,” Dr. Maheswaran sat back on her haunches, “I’m cautiously optimistic, but at this point, I’m pretty much guessing at what I’m seeing.”

“What do you mean?” Greg asked. He’d watched the whole procedure with his brows drawn tightly together.

She contemplated the sand at her feet. “Well nothing is responding the way it should, but everything _is_ responding. Including both pupils. As far as I can tell his vision is functioning normally again.”

Steven had been so distracted by his own disfunction that he hadn’t realized, but she was right. He could see properly, if not perfectly, from both sides of his face once more. He reached up to wave his hands in front of his eyes but ended up nearly smacking his dad in the face. Well, at least he’d moved the right limb first this time around.

She continued. “Normally I’d consider brain damage as a possible explanation,” The grip around his shoulders tightened, “But the fact that he can adjust quickly is promising, so something tells me that’s not the case here. I think it might be a good idea to get some more scans done. For now, his vitals seem to be stabilizing, which is a good sign.”

There was a shared sigh of relief from the others, tentative though it was. Any improvement was better than nothing, even if it came with a few caveats.

It didn’t take long for them to figure out that he wouldn’t be walking into the house under his own power, since even standing up was a feat and a half that was bound to end up with him flat on his face. In the end, Garnet had to carry him princess style while he did his best not to twitch and flail with each shift in her weight.

The area around them was darkened by a large shadow, and he looked up to see White Diamond peering down at him. She wrung her hands anxiously. “Is there anything I can do to help?” Her gaze flickered over his body, a hint of regret playing across her expression.

He didn’t want her to feel bad. He wasn’t sure what was wrong with him, but it probably wasn’t something she’d done. Or if it was, she hadn’t done it on purpose. It wasn’t like any of them had any experience with fusing like that. But he still wasn’t quite ready to face her yet, even to offer comfort, there was just too much he needed to unpack before he could even think of addressing everything that had happened between them.

Garnet seemed to sense how he felt because she turned her back on White and started walking up the path to the balcony stairs. “For now, the best thing to do would be to give Steven some space.” She responded bluntly. “He’ll ask for you when he’s ready.”

He couldn’t see White’s face, and she didn’t say anything in response, but after a moment he heard her rise to her feet with a rustle of light-woven cloth. Her booming footsteps moved away, fading into the distance. He couldn’t help the twinge of guilt he felt when he let out a breath of relief.

The journey up the stairs was a moment of déjà vu. The sky was darker, there was no more broken glass, but the temple statue’s face was still destroyed, and the ceiling inside was as familiar as it had always been. The couch was still soft, and he sank into it gratefully, aware of how lucky he was to ever see the inside of his own house again. More nodes were attached to him as he rested, and Peridot soon took Garnet’s place at his side, her deft fingers running over him as if to check that he was still there while she configured her scanner. They didn’t risk an IV this time, wary after what had happened with his gem, but he wasn’t too broken up over it.

Everyone held their breath as the results printed out, and Dr. Maheswaran grabbed them as soon as they were done, reading over them at top speed. She kept her face carefully neutral the whole way through, but when she finally looked up at them, a smile lit up her features. “There are improvements already, all across the board. Even with whatever is currently going on with him, he’s stable.”

The room was filled with a chorus of grateful murmurs, and Peridot actually slumped over to lay her head on his chest with a groan. He patted her hair, though it took a few tries, feeling a bit more relaxed now that they’d confirmed he wasn’t dying anymore. They still had to deal with his newfound difficulties coordinating his body, but he greatly preferred that over what he’d been going through mere hours before.

Nobody prompted any further discussion for a little while, wanting to appreciate the brief moment where things were only going a regular amount of wrong. It was almost easy to forget how they’d got there, what had started it all. Almost. It still lingered there in the back of his mind, in the scars on his forearms, and the purple tinge in the beds of his fingernails. The ache in his bones that hadn’t gone away. But he was too emotionally exhausted to care right now, even in the safety of his own mind, so he just let himself drift. His energy wasn’t all returning at once, but he could sense it trickling back slowly if he concentrated, reassuring him that he was once more on the path to recovery. Physically at least. Mentally he wasn’t sure if he’d even stepped out the door.

What he could really use right now was a good, long, nap. Maybe all of this was an indication that he should go into hibernation or something. He’d been sleeping enough that he was surprised it wasn’t next spring already.

Eventually, someone had to interrupt their respite. “What do we do now?” Connie asked, her eyes drooping with the kind of fatigue that only came from a day spent coasting on adrenaline.

The doctor tapped her chin. “The best we can do for the time being is to keep an eye on him and see if we can work on improving his coordination. He may regain his normal reflexes naturally over time, but if he doesn’t, we can figure something else out.” She patted his arm, and he was able to muster up a smile, though it ended up being aimed at the back of the couch. She wasn’t the type of person to be falsely positive about his situation, so her brightened attitude was comforting.

The prospect of having to relearn how to do everything if he didn’t go back to normal was daunting, but not cripplingly so. It was easy to set off to the side while they took some time to wind down a bit. Someone offered to make him something to eat, but surprisingly Connie’s mom vetoed the idea, cautioning that until he had better motor control, he could risk choking if he tried to ingest anything. “It’s already late.” She explained. “If he shows improvement by tomorrow morning then we’ll try it, but for now he can wait a little longer.”

So, with nothing else to do for the night, everyone sat around and just talked. Steven couldn’t contribute much, though not for lack of trying, so he was content with just listening to the others from his spot on the couch. They discussed whether Connie and her mom should stay the night again, which card game was the best one to play with large groups of people, and the best places in beach city to watch the stars, letting the conversation drift across a wide range of topics as they all slowed down in increments, adjusting to no longer being on high alert. His dad watched him the whole time, head resting on one hand, as his eyes grew heavier and heavier.

Steven wasn’t sure exactly when he drifted off to sleep. He hadn’t been fighting it by any means, but it still snuck up on him, like a cat stalking its prey. All he knew was that one moment he was blinking lazily and listening to Connie’s diatribe about an annoying history teacher, and the next he was doing nothing at all.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

He dreamed.

He hadn’t been doing that before, he realized. While his gem had been dead in his belly, he’d slipped into oblivion like it was a dark, barren lake, keeping him preserved until it was time to pull his body back out again. Not true sleep, but rather a placeholder meant to do its job while it was absent. His gem wasn’t inert now, it was alive and humming beneath the blanket that had been draped over him, and so he dreamed once again, escaping the shadowed depths of the water below.

He dreamed of pink hands and a fear of the unknown, as well as an overwhelming excitement that ran through him like electricity. The enticing spectre of choice that he had never experienced before. It was more like a memory than a proper dream, but he wasn’t quite sure who it belonged to; him, or someone else.

The setting shifted, and he was drifting on a boat through a maze of waterways, hedged in by tall white buildings that didn’t seem to have a top floor. They stretched endlessly into the fog above his head, which hung over everything like a cotton roof.

His father sat on an arched bridge, legs swinging as the boat passed beneath. “She loved you, even though she’d never get to know you. Unconditionally.” He told Steven.

“I know.” Steven replied. “I love her too.” Sometimes he wished he didn’t, his life would be so much easier that way, but she was his _mom_. He loved her naively as a child loved their parents. “But I don’t always love what she’s done.”

Amethyst flew over him as a great horned owl, landing on the railing of an overhanging balcony. Her large round eyes were piercing as she followed his progress. “We shouldn’t have to deal with any of this. We shouldn’t have to fix any of this. None of us are responsible for what Rose did.”

Pearl swam up beside him, cutting a rippled path through the deep blue water. “Maybe she was foolish, and maybe even selfish, but she was…”

“She was following us.” Garnet spoke with the voice of Sapphire, appearing in the seat next to his as if she’d always been there.

“So was I.” He whispered. A secret grief. They’d always just been chasing each other in a loop, like a snake eating its own tail. Somehow, his life always turned out to be a series of meandering circles, an endless line of endless cycles, and he’s so tired of always being the one to put a stop to them.

His mother drifted beneath him, her body submerged and shrouded in blue. bubbles lifted to the surface as she opened her mouth. “But you, you’re supposed to change. You’re going to be a human being.”

“You’re a gem.” His dad murmured, in front of him once more. He was back where he’d started.

“The first power I ever had.” His own voice echoed from an invisible source, reverberating in the space between the water and the sky.

A confession dropped unbidden from his lips. “I don’t know how.”

“Show me, show me your power.”

The power to change.

A flash of orange flickered in his peripheral vision, but when he turned to look it was gone, along with the boat, the water, his family, everything.

He knew he would be next.

He blinked.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

He wasn’t sure what woke him at first. The house was dark and silent. Not even the creaks or groans of settling wood interrupted the hush of the night. It looked like everyone else had gone to bed at some point. He’d been left alone on the couch, and the lamp had been turned off, allowing him to sleep in peace.

Because of that, it took him a moment to realize that the shadow looming over the couch wasn’t just his mind playing tricks on him.

Golden eyes flashed. Bared teeth gleamed in the light from the stars outside.

Jasper snarled. "You're coming with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't forget about my favourite cheeto.
> 
> Decided to extend the story by one more chapter, so I could add some extra stuff I want to address, and wrap things up at a better pace. Azalea's thought process for their name was based on my own. It felt weird calling them some variation of Pink Diamond, and azalea is both a flower, and a colour, which fit their design. The royal azalea tends to have 5 rounded petals, which is why I used that one for their memory.
> 
> Update: sorry about the wait, the end of the semester just got really hectic. The rest of the fic is finally finished, all that's left is the art to go with it, so stay tuned!
> 
> Art by me! If you'd like, you can check out more of my stuff here: http://infriga.tumblr.com/tagged/fanart
> 
> Comments are greatly loved and appreciated! I read every single one, usually multiple times haha. If I don't reply it's usually because I'm shy and I don't know what to say, but I'm grateful for every single one!


	10. Riprap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riprap: A foundation made of stone, designed to protect the base of a lighthouse from erosion.

A rush of terror drove the remaining sleep from Steven’s head in an instant. He flinched with a yelp, trying to scramble away, but his body betrayed him, and he was unable to avoid the iron grip that clamped down on his arm.

“J- Jasper…” He gasped. “Wuh- wait-!” His muscles were responding better than before, though everything still felt like it was skewed in all the wrong directions. Words were still difficult to string together coherently, but at least his tongue was halfway to working again, even if it wasn’t as reliable as he’d like it to be.

Jasper ignored his protests, pulling him towards the door. He struggled to get his feet under him, but gravity and momentum proved to be too great a foe, and he ended up being dragged awkwardly behind her like a teddy bear towed along by a large toddler. She only paused when he gave a breathless squeak of discomfort, adjusting to sling him over her shoulder instead.

The relief of being upgraded from stuffed animal to potato sack was short-lived as she made her way out onto the deck and bee-lined for the stairs. His uncoordinated struggling did nothing to stop her. He considered calling for help, but he wasn’t sure if he could get his lungs to produce anything loud enough to catch anyone’s attention, so he decided to conserve his energy by appealing to the quartz warrior currently kidnapping him. When in doubt, talk it out.

After all, this wasn’t the first time he’d been in this sort of situation. That unfortunate fact was not lost on him. “Jasper! Whhhat are you d- doing!?”

She growled, the low sound vibrating through his body as she stomped down the stairs. He grunted when each step drove a heavily muscled shoulder into his stomach. From his current position he couldn’t see her expression, but he could imagine her baring her teeth in a snarl. “Those so-called ‘friends’ of yours can’t be trusted with your safety.” She scoffed. “They even had to call in _White Diamond_ to fix things.” The whump of her feet hitting solid ground punctuated her disdain as she reached the base of the staircase.

Indignation fluttered in his chest. “Hey, d- don’t talk about themm like- woah!” She yanked him off her shoulder and dangled him in front of her face. It was a good thing they’d reached the bottom so quickly, because he wasn’t keen on being chucked down the staircase in a fit of anger.

Her jaw was clenched, and her brows were drawn down so severely in the middle that they looked like they were trying to split her face in two. “You don’t need them!” She spat. “They make you weak!”

He shuddered, chilled by the familiar words and the emotions they stirred up. “No… I- I…”

She pulled him closer. “They can’t handle you like I can!”

But that wasn’t true, and he knew that now because he’d learned it the hard way. His friends had run the gauntlet for him and proven themselves several times over during the last few days. Being with Jasper hadn’t helped him, it had only made him worse.

And she had paid the ultimate price for it.

His breathing stuttered in his chest. “I…” He shook his head. “I don’t want be s-strong… Not… Not like that.” The broken line across her face was burned into his vision every time he looked at her. He had to squeeze his eyes shut to ward off the crushing guilt he knew was just waiting to overwhelm him. He didn’t want to cry, not in front of her, but tears welled beneath his eyelids against his will. The lingering exhaustion and stress of the past few days was catching up to him, collecting the debt he owed. “I’m sorry Jasper.” He gasped. “I’m- I’m so sorry…”

He half expected her to hit him, or to yell at him and command him to fight back, but instead she tensed and let out a sound of confused frustration. “That doesn’t make sense!” She moved forward again before he had any time to respond.

The pulse of waves grew closer as they approached the water, and she dumped him unceremoniously onto the sand, glaring down at him like he’d personally offended her. He probably had. Running was out of the question, with the way his knees were shaking, so the best he could do was struggle up onto his elbows and hold up an arm to defend himself as she took a menacing step closer.

“You’re a Diamond.” She insisted, her tone laced with gravel and pent up rage. “ _My_ Diamond. You’re meant to be strong! Why are you apologizing for that?!”

Stars he was so tired of all the different titles and roles that everyone kept giving to him, like he was just a cosmic coat rack for others to hang their baggage on. He pushed himself up further, managing to wobble into a tenuous standing position. His legs trembled as he swayed in place. “I’m n- not anyone’s diamond…” He grimaced, still hating the feel of the word in his mouth. “I’m just… Just Steven. A- and I’m apologizing because…” His fists clenched. “Because I hu- hurt you! I lost control, and shh- sha-” Fresh tears spilled over his cheeks, clouding his vision as he choked on the word. He couldn’t bring himself to finish saying it

Jasper’s eyes were wide with what almost looked like panic, though it was probably just apoplexy. “Stop crying!” She barked.

He gritted his teeth as frustration and regret took turns running in circles inside his head. “I can’t!”

They were at an impasse, breathing heavily as they stared each other down. The air that swept off the ocean chilled his sweat dampened skin, while sharp bits of sand prickled along his limbs, making his scars itch as they lit up pinpoints of discomfort down his spine.

Connie had told him once that beaches in temperate climates were mostly made of quartz. Jasper had been so close to becoming a pile of sand herself, just another handful of grains to be carried away by the wind and cast out over the sea. The thought sent a wave of nausea through him in a mimicry of the nearby surf.

Jasper sneered after a moment of tense silence. “I don’t want your pity.”

“Ugh!” He tossed his hands in the air, though the gesture was less coordinated than intended. “Th- that’s not what this is a- about!” Why was it always like this with her? This obsession with strength, and weakness, and never, ever being vulnerable. He’d almost bought into it, at a time when he’d felt cornered and alone, but now it just made him exhausted. That illusion had been quite literally shattered.

“I knew what I was getting into,” She continued, leveling a finger at his face, “and I told you not to hold back!”

“That, that doesn’t make m- me feel any better!” There was a familiar pressure building beneath his skin. He sank back down to his knees, trying to take deep breaths as he hugged himself tightly. His heart thumped against the back of his ribs with an uneasy rhythm. He’d avoided thinking about it before, that moment in the woods when he’d first realized what he’d done, but with the vivid reminder being shoved under his nose it was all he could do to weather the shame that flooded in with the memories.

_He was on his hands and knees, scrabbling in the dirt that was swiftly turning to mud. He wasn’t sure when it had started raining, but each drop burned against his feverish skin, mingling with the tears in his lashes. “I- I didn’t mean it!” He sobbed. Shards of her gem pricked and stabbed at him as he found each one and clutched them tightly against his chest. “You said you could take it!”_

_Jasper said nothing. The dull chunks of rock could no longer respond._

All the air in his lungs was slowly being squeezed out of him by his own rib cage. He counted out the breathing exercise in his head, but he still ended up shaking and dizzy no matter how slowly he tried to pull in oxygen.

One of Jasper’s feet shuffled into his field of vision. “What’s happening? Why are you making that noise?” Hyperventilating probably wasn’t a common occurrence for gems.

 _I think I’m about to have a panic attack._ He wanted to say, except she likely wouldn’t understand what he was talking about, so he held his tongue and just tried to keep calm. There was no menacing glow or surge of strength this time, thank the stars. He was just cold and wheezing as he shivered on the beach. He wasn’t sure why his powers weren’t going nuts like usual, but he was grateful for it. He didn’t want to pass out again, so he shifted into seated position and hung his head between his legs, panting weakly.

Jasper reached down to grasp his shoulders, jostling him. It was incredibly unhelpful. “Are you injured?” She demanded.

“I’m o-okay.” He gasped. His teeth chattered. “J-just give me a sec…”

Unconvinced, she continued to check him over, patting him down and lifting his chin so she could look at his face from all angles. The attention was alien, coming from her. “You have new markings.” She groused when she noticed his scars.

How much had she seen or been told? Anxiety flared, but he was too tired at this point to try and hide things from her, and before he could think about what he was saying, the words were already tumbling from his mouth. “I… I Corrupted.”

He honestly didn’t know what reaction to expect from her. Before she might have mocked him or called him a hypocrite, but now she considered him to be her Diamond. That made her less predictable. She wasn’t as obsequious as he’d feared she might be, she still got mad and yelled at him, and he was glad for that. But he could sense a new desire to be of service, to be useful. He didn’t like it one bit.

A series of emotions flickered across her expression, too fast for him to identify any of them. She settled on what he could only describe as ‘disturbed’. “You… Fused with a corrupted gem?” She eventually asked, skeptical.

“N-no.” Though that was a fair assumption. “I corrupted mmmyself. It just… It just happened.”

She frowned, sitting back on her heels. “Can it happen again?”

He hugged his knees to his chest and lowered his head to hide his face. “… I don’t know.”

“Can you fix it if it does?”

“I don’t- I don’t know…!” He reached up to dig his fingers into his hair and squeezed tightly enough to pull at his roots. The sting helped to ground him in the moment.

“Stop that.” Jasper made a disgruntled noise and tugged his hands away. “What caused it?”

He sighed, the air draining out of him in a rush. Her grip on his wrists was warm, and in spite of everything, comforting. He tried to focus on that instead of the ugly thoughts that vied for his attention. “I don’t want to- to talk about it.”

“Hmph.” She let go, leaving him untethered once again. There was a thump, and he looked up to see that she’d sat beside him, looking pensive.

Despite her earlier plan to abduct him, she seemed content to let him stay where he was, huddled on the sand as he caught his breath. Her silence left him with nothing but the hiss of waves on the dark beach. As he watched the water passing back and forth over the scattered seashells, his wheezes slowed into something more manageable, the spots gradually fading from his vision. He let it lull him gradually until he felt less at risk of losing control.

Jasper didn’t fuss over him, or offer any words of encouragement, but she didn’t push him, or goad him, either. She just stayed beside him and waited patiently.

It was difficult to tell how much time had passed, but after what felt like an eternity he managed to speak again. “I… I always thought that … That we had a lot in common.” He admitted softly. “I thought if- if I could get closer to you, and get to know you better, m- maybe we could even be friends.” He shuddered. “But… Not like that. I _never_ wanted that.” There were goosebumps climbing his arms and he rubbed them, trying to encourage blood flow. “You should hate me.”

She scoffed. “I’ve tried to shatter you before. If it matters so much to you, just think of it as payback.”

“It- it doesn’t work like that!” He snapped. “I don’t want payback! And even if I did, that doesn’t m- make it _okay_!”

She rolled her eyes. He got the sneaking suspicion that she’d learned that from him. “Fine! Then I forgive you! Happy now?”

“No! I- I-” He almost grabbed at his hair again but stopped at the glare she gave him when he reached for it. “I don’t want you to forgive me just to make me feel better!”

She leaned forward, staring him down with sharp eyes. “Then what _do_ you want? Cause all I hear you whining about are things you _don’t_ want.”

That was a question everyone seemed to keep asking him, including himself. He just didn’t have an answer yet. “I don’t know.” He replied miserably. “Everything is just… Too much to deal with wh- whenever I try to think about it.”

“Ughh, I didn’t ask for your itinerary.” She growled. “I’m asking what you want right here, right now.”

He fell silent. This wasn’t how he’d expected this conversation to go. Heck, he hadn’t expected to have this conversation at all, let alone for it to start with him being dragged out of his house in the dead of night. So, the concept of _Jasper_ of all people asking what he wanted at this exact moment, and being willing to listen, was something he had a hard time wrapping his head around.

He’d been trying to figure out what he wanted for a while now, but whenever he reached some sort of conclusion, he’d turn a corner and find some reason to second guess himself. Teaching, gardening, marriage, training, they were all things he’d thought he needed at the time, only to have his efforts come crashing down around his ears. Maybe some day he would be able to give that stuff another shot, but right now he knew he just wasn’t ready.

“I… I want to stay here, at my house. For now.” He finally decided. “I don’t need, or- or want your protection.”

Jasper’s expression soured predictably, tinged with hurt that was quickly stifled.

“N- not because you’re not good enough or anything!” He rushed to assure her. “I just don’t…” He sighed. “That’s not the kind of relationship I want with you, or with _anybody._ ” Even thinking about it made him shiver with more than just the cold.

Jasper studied him with a peculiar look on her face, like she’d eaten something sour and was trying not to show it. He got the feeling she was having as hard a time adjusting to their new dynamic as he was. Her instinctive response was probably to toss him back over her shoulder and ignore his complaints, but as he watched her posture slumped, and she looked away.

“As you wish.” She ground out, sounding like the words were being pulled from her against her will. Her reaction made him feel like an ass, which was unfair because for the first time in a while he knew he was making the right decision. Letting her spirit him away into the woods wasn’t going to be the right way to deal with his issues, and letting her take a subservient role in his life wasn’t going to help either.

He bit at his cheek, thinking. “I just have one request.” He met her gaze when she looked back at him. “I’m asking, not ordering, so… So, I only want you to do it if you’re actually willing to, not because I told you to.”

She let out a rumble of frustration. “Fine. Spit it out.”

“I want you to try going to Little Homeschool. And don’t just say no right away because you think it makes you weak or- or whatever, actually think about it.” He sucked in a steadying breath. “If you do, once you’ve graduated, you can… you can tell me if you still want to forgive me or not.” There was a dark, brittle corner of his mind that didn’t think he deserved to be forgiven, but ultimately that just wasn’t up to him.

Jasper was stiff, glowering at him, but she didn’t say no. She sat in place and fumed, to the point where he be surprised if smoke start rising around her head, but… She wasn’t refusing. “What about you?” She finally grunted.

He blinked at her. “… What about me?”

“Like I said, I've tried to shatter you.” She shrugged, carefully casual. “So are you going to forgive me or not?” She gave a condescending huff. “Since you’re making such a big deal out of it, not that I care.”

“I, um.” He hadn’t actually considered that angle. He never really thought of her past actions as being directed _at_ him necessarily, so much as… Pointed in his direction. Aiming for the Rose Quartz shaped space he’d occupied when they’d first met. Was he allowed to forgive Jasper for something like that? Was he allowed to _not_ forgive her? Did he _want_ to?

“I…” He looked up at the stars. They twinkled down at him, offering encouragement. “I don’t know yet.”

“Hmph.” For someone who didn’t care, Jasper seemed oddly put out by his answer. “Fine,” She slumped back, reluctance oozing from her posture, “I’ll go to your dumb school. But don’t expect me to stick around if it turns out to be garbage.”

He tried not to let his delight show on his face at her agreement. From the dour look she sent him he guessed that he’d failed. “Thank you.” He tilted his head thoughtfully. “You know, it’d be easier to commute there if you lived a little closer. Like… In Little Homeworld, for example.”

“Don’t push your luck.” She deadpanned.

Part of the reason he’d dreaded meeting her was because he’d been worried about how she’d act toward him. It wasn’t as bad as he’d feared it might be, she wasn’t mindlessly subservient to him, and she said what she wanted or voiced her contempt like she always had, but everything had still been tainted by the undercurrent of what _had_ changed between them. The way she paid so much attention to him now when she’d always dismissed and ignored him in the past, or the way she still called him her diamond and directed her focus towards protecting and serving him. He knew that if he phrased anything as an order, she’d obey him immediately, and the thought sickened him. Even if it was what she wanted that didn’t make it any easier to stomach. 

There was no denying that something bitter hovered beneath the surface of their relationship now. Dealing with it meant exposing it to open air, which terrified him, but the thought of letting it stay there to haunt them forever scared him even more. He owed it to Jasper to not ignore this and hope it went away, and he was starting to realize that maybe… Maybe he owed it to himself as well. He wondered if he was allowed, just this once, to do something for his own sake, instead of only doing it for someone else.

He hummed thoughtfully, digging his toes into the sand. “If you do graduate, then I’ll tell you my answer. Does that sound fair?”

She squinted at him. “What answer?”

“If I forgive you.” He gave her a tired smile. “We can tell each other at the same time.”

She sniffed, leaning back on her hands. “Whatever. Do what you want.”

He might have been imagining it, but her tone seemed a little bit lighter than before.

They sat a while longer in silence, watching as the waves crept in towards their feet before retreating again, in, and out, endlessly. It was almost soothing enough to send him back to sleep if he wasn’t so cold, but he still didn’t have a shirt and the night air was starting to get to him. He’d love to be able to put on some new clothes once he’d regained enough of his motor skills. Speaking of, he shifted his legs underneath him, and after a moment spent gaining his balance he attempted to stand. He’d regained a lot more control over his speech in the time since he’d woken up, so he was hopeful that his limbs might have followed suit.

Sadly, that didn’t seem to be the case. His knees went weak as soon as he tried to bend one to take a step, causing him to tilt forward, and he nearly face-planted into the sand again. But before he could, Jasper’s arm shot out to catch him with the speed of a striking snake. He couldn’t stop himself from flinching at the movement. She ignored it, keeping her eyes on the ocean as she lowered him back down.

Once he was settled again, she withdrew. “Somewhere you’re trying to go?”

“I’m… cold.” He grumbled.

Her eyebrow twitched at the whine in his voice, but he didn’t care. She’d kidnapped him; he was entitled to _some_ whining. “That’s not what I asked.” She shot back.

He grimaced, hugging himself. “… I was trying to go back inside, but my legs are still being weird.” He would have preferred to go back under his own power, but it seemed like that wasn’t going to happen any time soon, not unless he crawled all the way back to his house. Actually, now that he thought about it, that didn’t sound like a bad idea.

Jasper let out a long suffering sigh and heaved herself to her feet, grabbing him under his arms and pulling him up to tuck him against her side like a large, awkwardly shaped football. “If you need help then just say it.”

Hearing that line from _Jasper_ of all people nearly short circuited his brain, and they were halfway to the foot of the stairs before he even thought to protest. By that point it wasn’t worth the effort, so he gave in and let her carry him. It was at least slightly more dignified than dragging himself up on his hands and knees. Being a football was even better than being a potato sack, since the journey involved a lot less shoulders to the gut.

When they reached the top Jasper came to a halt, her arm tightening without warning. He let out a yelp, more from surprise than pain, and she quickly loosened her grip. He glanced up to see what had startled her and spotted Garnet leaning against the side of the house, arms folded as she watched them silently.

The moment felt like one of those stand-offs Lonesome Lasso always had in the comics he used to read, with everybody pointing guns at each other, waiting for someone to make a move. Neither gem had their weapon out, but he knew they both favoured fisticuffs to some degree. It was entirely possible that they would just start brawling there on the deck.

If that happened, he could end up being used as a half-human shield or getting tossed over the bannister. He wanted to avoid either outcome if possible, so he raised his hands to get their attention and show that he was unharmed. “Hey Garnet! Jasper was just, uh, bringing me back inside after we had a little talk, that’s all.” It was hard to tell where Garnet was looking, but her head hadn’t moved or turned at all as he spoke.

Jasper stared her down, wary. “You got something to say to me?”

“Nope.” Garnet responded, popping the ‘P’. “Just supervising.”

The implication that they couldn’t be trusted on their own together was left unsaid. Jasper just tossed her hair in a dismissive motion that reminded Steven of Amethyst before stomping past Garnet and through the open doorway. She made her way over to the couch and dumped him onto it unceremoniously. As he flailed his way into a more comfortable position, she stood over him, watching.

He pulled the blanket back over himself, grateful for the cover it provided, but he balked when Jasper gave no sign of moving. “Are you just going to… Stay there all night?”

Her eyes narrowed. “Are you telling me to leave?” She asked, drawing herself up to her full height, as if she was trying to intimidate him into letting her stay. What was it with gems and wanting to watch him sleep?

“… Please?” He winced when her face fell, but he really, _really_ didn’t want her to stick around right now. “You can visit me tomorrow, if you want to…” He still felt like he needed some space from her. His heart hadn’t stopped leaping into his throat to choke him whenever his gaze passed over her broken horn or the gap in her markings.

One of her eyes twitched. “What do _you_ want?”

He peered at her, hoping she wouldn’t get mad at him, or worse, feel bad. “I do want to see you again, to talk more about everything, but… Would you be willing to wait a few days? Like, a week maybe?”

Her brows furrowed, but she didn’t seem upset so much as confused. “How long is a week?”

“Oh, um, seven days.” He replied. Then, feeling a little cheeky, he added, “You’d know that if you’d gone to Little Homeschool.”

She rolled her eyes again. Yup, definitely learned that from him. “Fine.” She snapped, before turning on her heel and marching towards the exit. She ignored Garnet, who had come in to stand by the kitchen table.

“Jasper?” He called as she reached the doorway. She hesitated, pausing on the threshold. “… Good night.”

He’d said that to her before, every night during their training together. He’d called it to her through the curtain that made up her doorway. It made him feel uneasy to just go to sleep without that final bit of contact with someone else, to the point where he even used to do the same thing with his stuffed animals whenever the gems weren’t around. But he always felt better if he got to hear it back. With Garnet here he didn’t really need to say it to Jasper, but he didn’t want things to end with her just storming off.

She had never said it back to him before, and he didn’t expect her to now either, but to his surprise she turned, her dark silhouette framed by stars. “Good night, my Diamond.” She replied softly. Then she stepped outside, leaving without another word.

Steven let out a long breath once she was gone, feeling ten times as exhausted as he’d been when he’d woken up, even though he was pretty sure only an hour or two had passed.

Garnet wandered over to sit next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, I sensed that trying to stop her would only start a fight. Things were more likely to end peacefully if I let you talk to her.”

The relief from finding out that she’d kept an eye on him the entire time was tainted by a spark of hurt. She’d known this would happen and hadn’t said anything?

Before disappointment could burrow its way too deep, she continued. “And I’m also sorry for not warning you. You were so tired, and unfocused, that I thought it was more important for you to get some rest instead of worrying about it. I didn’t consider how hard it would be on you, to meet with her so soon unprepared. I should have told you. You deserve to make that choice for yourself. I keep forgetting that.” She pulled him against her, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug, and he tucked his face into her chest. He was shaking, he realised, the adrenaline from what had just happened finally draining from his body and leaving him hollowed and aching. “I’m sorry.” She said again, and it was pathetic how much he’d needed to hear it.

He clung to her, desperate to soak up the comfort she was offering. “Am I doing the right thing?” He asked, his voice small. Now that his newest ordeal was over, clouds of doubts swirled in his mind.

She rubbed his back, soothing him with her gentle touch. “I don’t know. I can’t see that far ahead.” He felt her chin come to rest on top of his hair. “But if this is what you want, then I think it’s worth a try.”

Despite all of Jasper’s prickly rage and stubbornness, he genuinely liked her, and he enjoyed talking to her when weren’t arguing. Heck, even arguing with her could sometimes be satisfying in a weird way, as long as they didn’t let it go too far. It was possible that the right thing to do was keep his distance, but he liked to think that there was some way to build something better between them, that even if their relationship didn’t start out healthy, maybe they could get there someday. Like Garnet said, it was worth a try, right? Maybe he could even convince Jasper to start using his name again, instead of a title.

He turned his head to press his ear against Garnet’s chest, listening to the gentle buzz that emanated from within her form. Gems didn’t have heartbeats, but that didn’t mean their bodies were silent, and growing up he’d always found them just as pleasant to listen to. Each gem had their own sound he associated them with, like a theme song that only played when a certain character was on screen, representing their personality through a carefully selected combination of instruments and notes. He imagined the soft chime of his own gem synching up with hers, both tunes mixing together to form a duet. It calmed his thoughts into some semblance of peace, if only for a moment. His own personal lullaby.

He yawned, his fatigue rearing its head now that he was safe and warm again.

“You should sleep.” Garnet murmured, though she made no move to release him.

She was right, he knew, but he let himself enjoy the shelter of her arms for just a few more moments. “Can I get changed into some new clothes first?” He asked meekly.

Garnet looked down at him.

“My pants are full of sand.” He confessed.

She chuckled before finally pulling away as she stood, heading upstairs to grab him a fresh set of Pajamas.

If nothing else, at least his misfortune was worth a laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG! The end of the semester got hectic, and then the final chapter ended up getting waaay longer than I originally expected it to be so I had to split it again. And even after splitting it the second part is over 10k lol. BUT, I have finished writing and editing the rest of the fic, so all that's left to do is make a final picture for the last bit, and then post it. That shouldn't take anywhere near as long, hopefully I can finish it in a day or two.
> 
> I really wanted to write about a conversation between Jasper and Steven post Fragments. I think their relationship is so fascinating, and while obviously iheir issues can't all be resolved in one night, it was still a fun challenge to try and explore that aspect.
> 
> Coming up next: Two figures of authority vs one anxious boi. Who will win? Stay tuned to find out!
> 
> \---
> 
> Art by me! If you'd like, you can check out more of my stuff here: http://infriga.tumblr.com/tagged/fanart
> 
> Comments are greatly loved and appreciated! I read every single one, usually multiple times haha. If I don't reply it's usually because I'm shy and I don't know what to say, but I'm grateful for every single one!


	11. Lighthouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lighthouse: A fixed structure that serves as a lighted aid to navigation, providing a beacon that guides ships to safety.

Once he’d changed into some fresh clothes, he slept like a rock through the rest of the night, pun intended. He also slept through most of the morning as well, locked in the dreamless grasp of an exhaustion that even his freshly charged gem couldn’t alleviate. It might have been more of a mental thing, or perhaps it was just another anomaly caused by his anomalous situation. Whatever the reason, he was assured once he woke up that his health was still steadily improving. Dr. Maheswaran and Peridot had taken more scans, and all of them showed that his body was returning to its normal equilibrium. The relief that everyone felt at the news was palpable.

He still had trouble walking, only managing an unsteady shuffle across the room when he tried. That event had ended with Garnet catching him when he toppled spectacularly, and he nearly took a cupboard handle to the eye socket for his trouble. Still, he had regained much of the motor control in his arms and hands, so the doctor was confident that he’d be back on his feet in the next day or so if his recovery continued at its current pace.

The crisis seemed to be officially over, but what really drove things home for him was the sound of his stomach grumbling when breakfast was placed on the coffee table in front of him. He’d spent so long battling nausea or a complete lack of appetite that hunger felt like real proof of things getting better. He was grateful when nobody said anything as he sniffled into his bowl and started shoveling spoonfuls of cereal into his mouth.

Dr. Maheswaran had informed him that she’d be sticking around for the rest of the day, but unless any other complications popped up, she wouldn’t have to stay the night again. Connie, however, was granted permission to sleep over one more time; she’d spent most of the previous evening convincing her mother to let her do so, as long as she didn’t sleep in the same bed as Steven and as long as Steven actually slept in a bed from now on. Bismuth had fixed his windows a while ago, so now that he was out of the woods, he had no reason to continue sleeping on the couch instead of using a proper mattress.

The front door had finally been repaired as well at some point before he’d woken up. How Bismuth managed to do everything so quietly, he would never know, but as a result, it had escaped his notice. Sure, if he’d paid a modicum of attention, he would have figured it out pretty quickly, but in his defence, he’d had a long week. So, when he heard an ominous knock coming from the entrance, he had the rather belated realization that there was something to knock on again.

It was almost enough to distract from the jolt of fear that sent his heart rabbiting behind his rib cage. Almost. Everyone’s heads swiveled to stare at him as if they expected him to dive for cover, and it was tempting, to be honest.

But instead of hiding, he cleared his throat and nodded, dropping his spoon into his now-empty bowl. Pearl gave him an encouraging smile as she picked it up and took it to the kitchen to be cleaned, and his dad patted him on the shoulder before standing without a word to answer the door.

Steven waited with his hands folded in his lap, too nervous to lean out and look around the staircase to see who it was. He couldn’t stop himself from listening, though, not without covering his ears. Maybe this visitor wasn’t here for him. Or if they were, maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. His talk with Sadie had gone fine, right? It might even be her again, coming to check in and see how he was doing. That would be nice. He could talk to her without too much difficulty, probably.

“Oh, uh, mayor Nanefua.” His dad’s awkward greeting swiftly crushed that hope. “What brings you here?”

Nanefua’s tone was dry as she replied. “Hello, Greg. I think you know why I’ve come.”

“I was gonna send you a text-”

“Step aside, citizen!” The voice of a Ruby cut in.

“Please and thank you!” Chirped another. The platitude was tacked on in the mechanical way that was common for gems used to operating via orders or demands. Many of them were still adapting to asking for things nicely.

There was a pause before the mayor spoke up once more. “May I?”

“… Steven?” Greg’s head poked out from beyond the staircase, eyes concerned and questioning.

Steven did not doubt that his father would be willing to fight off an elderly woman and her henchgems for his sake if he refused to see them, but he knew he needed to do this. So he swallowed convulsively, then nodded again. He didn’t know how he was going to navigate this conversation when he was having trouble just saying yes or no, but the longer he put this off, the harder it would be to go through with it. He was getting to the point where delaying things made him feel just as bad as the thought of dealing with them. Rock, meet hard place.

His dad stepped back and motioned towards the living room. “Alright, come on in.”

Before the mayor could come into view, Steven’s gaze fell to his lap against his will, dragged there as if by gravity itself. He could still see when her feet approached in his peripheral vision, along with the small, polished shoes of her bodyguards. The group paused in silent communication, then the two sets of legs that belonged to the Rubies broke off to head toward the kitchen, and the human pair came to stand in front of him.

Nanefua was a friend. She liked him, and he was sure she cared about him. But she cared about the town too, and she had to prioritize her citizens over anything else. If she ended up needing to choose between him and them, she would always choose them, and he would never expect or want her to do otherwise.

Still, the possibility terrified him.

“You look horrible.” She commented bluntly. The observation startled a huff of amusement out of him, and it gave him the courage he needed to look up at her. Her eyes were kind as she studied him. She was short enough that they were similar in height when he was sitting down, and it was a little nostalgic, reminding him of when they’d been the same size once.

“I’m actually doing a lot better today.” He admitted, rubbing at the bandage that marked where his IV had been. The puncture had healed over now that his powers were back, but he hadn’t gotten around to uncovering the area yet.

She hummed and sat on the table across from him, giving him her full attention. “Then you must have been very ill since you’re as white as a fish kept in the freezer too long. Have you been eating properly?”

“A bit.” He shrugged, self-conscious. “I just had breakfast.”

She nodded approvingly. “The worst is over then, I take it?”

Oh, how he wished he could say that it was. Despite being on the upswing, the possibility of another transformation somewhere down the line still haunted him, and he couldn’t in good conscience say that it wouldn’t happen again. Corruption wasn’t something somebody could become immune to as far as anyone knew, and he didn’t even know if his case was standard corruption or just reactionary shapeshifting. Maybe it had been a mix of both. He had no way of truly knowing, but regardless, it meant that he didn’t have the luxury of avoiding the source of his corruption. _He_ was the source, after all.

“Steven?”

A touch on his arm yanked him out of his thoughts, and he jerked back, feeling foolish as his eyes refocused on Nanefua’s worried expression. Why was he always so jumpy lately? “Sorry! Sorry, I…” He rubbed his face with his hands and sucked in a breath. He should have showered or something. He probably smelled disgusting after days without bathing. This wouldn’t be any easier if he was clean, but he’d feel less slimy and unappealing. At least he wasn’t shirtless anymore. “There’s something I need to tell you.” He forced himself to say before his nerves stopped him. “About… The monster on the beach.”

She stayed quiet, waiting for him to continue.

And he tried, he really did, but as soon as he opened his mouth to say something, it was like the words slid away from him, escaping through some hidden exit between his lungs and his throat. All he was left with was a breathless sound that made him feel pathetic. This hadn’t been so difficult with Jasper for some reason. Maybe it was because she knew what it was like to be corrupted. Or it could be because he didn’t have to worry about losing her respect. In fact, he might even have preferred if he had.

Or maybe it was because Jasper didn’t represent the entire town and humanity as he knew it.

Ugh, that line of thought wasn’t making this any easier. _Come on, Steven_. He told himself. _You just have to say it. Just get it out, like ripping off a band-aid_. Except this band-aid was fused to his skin with super-glue. If he ripped it off, he might just peel himself like an apple.

His eyes had returned to his lap, and he couldn’t get himself to raise them again. The bandage tape was no longer on his arm, he realized, which meant he must have picked it off at some point without noticing. Now it was grasped between his fingers instead, twisted around in the middle and sans cotton ball. He let it drop to the floor, then immediately felt guilty and bent to pick it back up, but once he had it, he didn’t know what to do with it. He stared, his mind inexplicably blank when he tried to remember where the garbage bin was.

A hand slid into his field of vision, palm facing upwards. He blinked, then, acting on autopilot, dropped the piece of bandage tape into it. He watched as it was withdrawn, and Nanefua calmly deposited the tape into the pocket of her suit jacket. Once that was done, she held both of her hands out towards him, keeping them open and relaxed as she gestured at his own in question.

He hesitated a moment before reaching across to reciprocate, gripping her fingers with what he hoped wasn’t too much strength.

Her voice was soft. Gentle. “Did something happen that is difficult to speak about?”

He nodded.

“If you don’t feel comfortable telling me, then you’re under no obligation to do so.”

“I have to.” He said, plaintive. “It’s something you need to know.”

“Maybe someone else could…” She trailed off as he shook his head.

His dad had offered, more than once, to give her the news in Steven’s place. But it didn’t feel right, making his dad do this for him, letting others act as a shield between him and the world. That was _his_ job. “You… Deserve to hear it from me.”

“Okay.” She conceded. “But before you start, why don’t we take a moment to relax. You’re breathing quite heavily.”

Oh. Right. In through the nose, out through the mouth. In, count to seven. Out, count to eleven. He’d made sure to write Dr. Maheswaran’s breathing exercise instructions down and practice them with the doctor for a bit. The doctor had explained how they helped, mentioning different variations he could try to see what worked best for him, but for the moment, he chose to stick with the one he already knew. It was easier, now that he could remember all the steps.

Nanefua squeezed his hands to get his attention. “Do you mind if I ask you some questions?”

“Yes… Oh- I mean no. No, I don’t mind.”

“I cleared my schedule, so there’s no need to rush.” She reassured him. “If you can’t answer, or don’t want to, just say ‘next question,’ alright?”

He swallowed. “Okay, yeah. I can do that.”

She began without preamble. “When did the incident with the creature occur?”

He furrowed his brows. She should already know that, shouldn’t she?

She smiled when she noticed his expression. “Some of my questions might seem obvious, but it helps to get the ball rolling.”

Oh. “Um…” He hadn’t been keeping much track of time. “Two days ago… I think?” He couldn’t be entirely sure since he’d slept so much since then, but that was his best guess.

“And where did it start?”

“The uh, the beach.” He paused. “Wait… No, it started inside… In my living room.” He couldn’t see the lines scored into the floor from where he sat since they were hidden beneath the coffee table, but he knew they were there. He’d put them there. There wasn’t much damage from his claws, surprisingly, since most of his destruction in the first few moments had been focused on the front wall, but the flooring still needed to be replaced. He wished Bismuth hadn’t saved that for last.

“Was the gem already corrupted at that point?” The mayor prompted.

“… I don’t know.” He wasn’t sure when the process had first started. It could have happened the moment he’d transformed, or possibly when he’d stopped being able to turn back to normal after his trip to Homeworld. Maybe it had already been set in motion long before, back when he’d first started glowing. He couldn’t quite tell where his many issues ended, and his corruption began. For all he knew, maybe corruption was actually the ‘gem version of cortisol’ Dr. Maheswaran had told him about at the hospital.

Nanefua adjusted her question, drawing him away from that line of thought. “But it changed then, yes? Or grew bigger?” She asked.

He worked his jaw. “Changed.”

“Is that when it moved to the beach?”

It must have been. He couldn’t remember. He’d been inside, trapped, afraid, and then he was outside. There’d been screaming, and pain, and… And…

There was a tug on his hands. Nanefua’s expression was difficult to read. “Don’t forget to breathe.”

“R- right, sorry…”

“It’s alright. I only need a yes or no answer, or you can give no answer at all. If you don’t want to say more, that’s fine. I don’t need details.”

Just remember to breathe. He could do that. “Yes, that’s… I think that’s when it moved to the beach.”

“Did they attack anyone?”

“I don’t know.” He’d done plenty of damage to the temple and the surrounding area. “Maybe?”

“Was anyone injured?”

“I don’t-” His voice caught. He hadn’t checked. Stars, he hadn’t checked. “I don’t remember…” They could have used the fountain, while he was sleeping. He wouldn’t have known. They wouldn’t have told him.

Another tug. A reminder. He pulled in a breath, managing not to wheeze. That was progress, right?

She considered him carefully. “Let me rephrase. _Is_ anyone injured?”

‘Is,’ present tense. “No.” He muttered.

There’s was confusion creeping over her features. Her gaze ran over him, and he knew he must have looked pretty awful. Well, _he_ hadn’t technically been injured, so to speak, but that might have been what she’d assumed about his convalescence.

Still, she didn’t pry. “How did you manage to stop the creature?”

“Diamond essence?” He didn’t mean to phrase it like a question, but the proper mechanics of his rescue escaped him. He remembered a raging fire creeping up his legs, over his chest, into his skin, his mind, and his heart. And it had hurt, but in a way that felt right, like burning away the resin on a serotinous pinecone.

She nodded in understanding. “So, you healed the gem?”

“Yes.” His own tears had been the final ingredient. He remembered that part so clearly for some reason, compared to everything else.

“That’s good.” Nanefua looked relieved at the confirmation, though she’d already been told as much. “And are they alright?”

He looked away. “Getting better.” Of course, this was where the conversation had to go in the end, he knew, but some part of him had mindlessly hoped that the road to get there would turn out to be endless. Maybe that’d be worse, like running on an infinite treadmill of dread, but purgatory was starting to look pretty cozy from where he currently sat.

“Where are they now?” She asked. Her concern for some nameless, faceless gem was both endearing and guilt-inducing.

The treacherous thump of his heart threatened to drown out his reply. “… Here.”

The mayor contemplated that with a not-so-subtle look around the room. She had to be suspicious about his story; he wouldn’t be acting like this for some random corrupted monster, even if it did destroy his house, and he certainly wouldn’t have made her wait this long over something he’d been through a million times. She had to know that, so why hadn’t she asked him yet?

_Who was it? Who was the gem?_

She shifted, turning her attention back to him when no one else offered a response. “Greg seemed unsure if they were permanently healed… Are you worried they might corrupt again?”

His throat threatened to betray him a second time, but he snuck the answer out before it could slip away. “Yes.” And that was why she needed to know.

“I remember you explained how corruption occurred to me before,” she said slowly, “but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. How exactly did this gem corrupt?”

His mouth opened, closed, opened again. “I…” He clenched his teeth, trying to fortify his voice, but the words just escaped between the cracks again, taking all of his air with them.

“It’s alright.” The mayor’s voice was distant, like he was hearing her from underwater. Maybe he was back in the ocean. “Perhaps we should continue this another time.”

Nanefua moved to stand, pulling away, but Steven held on to her before she could leave. “Wait!”

She froze. “Steven, it’s okay-”

“No, you-” Why was this _so. Hard._ “You need to know.” He clutched her hands. “You have to _ask_ me!”

She settled back down. “Ask you what?” She showed no judgement for his strange behaviour, only concern.

“Who. Ask me who it was…” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Please.”

“Okay.” She replied softly. “Who was the gem that corrupted?”

 _“I’m a fraud.”_ He’d said, on his hand and knees _. “I’m a monster.”_ Something inside him had torn its way out, and he’d tried to hold himself together, but he couldn’t anymore. He was a dying star, a supernova, destroying everything around it in a flash of heat and terror before collapsing in on itself and ceasing to exist.

“Me.” He confessed, his voice faint. “It was me.”

The moment stretched out into a small eternity as Nanefua’s fingers went stiff against his. The house was dead silent, and he could feel the weight of everyone’s attention on them, but he couldn’t let himself focus on that, or he’d lose his already tenuous grasp on what remained of his composure. He wondered if it was possible for him to just sink into the couch and hide beneath the cushions for the next few years like a pile of loose change.

“Steven, look at me.”

One of his eyes cracked open slowly, and he peered at her, expecting to see fear or anger. But he found neither.

She just looked sad. “What happened?”

There was so much, too much to explain. But he had to try. “I- I did so many awful things. I felt like a monster.” He whispered, ashamed. “And then I became one.”

“… I see.” It was her turn to look down. She sighed, long and hard. “I think… I may have made a very grave mistake.”

His heart tumbled down to rest somewhere below his feet. “I’m so, _so_ sorry. I know I’m supposed to protect the city, not endanger it. I swear I never meant-”

She cut him off, shaking her head. “No, Steven, it is I who should apologize.”

“I…” He faltered. “I don’t understand…”

Nanefua let go of his left hand briefly to pull her glasses off, setting them on the table beside her. She rubbed at the bridge of her nose before returning her grip to his clammy fingers. “When I first became mayor, I originally chose you as my go-between for dealing with gem matters. Your guardians were inexperienced with human issues, so a mediator was needed to ease the process. That was what I told myself, at least.”

Of course. Steven had considered it to be a natural progression of his role as ambassador.

She pressed on. “Eventually, they learned how things worked. They were able to communicate with my employees and me without much difficulty. That’s when I could have started working with them directly.” Another sigh. Seeing her without her glasses was similar to seeing Garnet without her visor. Like a barrier had been stripped away to expose the person underneath more intimately. “And yet, I didn’t. I liked working with you, we got along well, but I should have known better than to lay that responsibility on your shoulders at such a young age.”

He squirmed. “But… I was the one who agreed to it. I wanted to help.”

“Oh, I know you did.” She smiled knowingly, an echo of the usual sly camaraderie between them. “That’s the problem. I’ve raised my share of teenagers. I know how enthusiastic they can be when agreeing to do something bad for them, only to find themselves in over their heads and convinced that it’s too late to turn back.” Her chuckle was light and nostalgic. “My granddaughters are bad enough, but their father was a nightmare. I had to put my foot down with him many times.” The mirth in her eyes faded as her face fell. “That’s something I failed to do with you.”

“But…” He struggled to find something to say, a way to reassure her that she hadn’t done anything wrong. “You’re not responsible for-”

“I’m the mayor.” She interjected. He was pinned in place with her deadpan look. “I’m responsible for _everything_ , and that includes deciding who does what.”

That wasn’t fair. Pulling the mayor card was cheating. “I, I guess,” he stuttered, “but that’s not…”

She pinched his knuckles, prompting him to stop. Her gaze was sharp. “Steven, do you _want_ me to be mad at you?”

Of course not. That’s what he’d been so afraid of leading up to his confession. But… “I feel like you should be.” He admitted, wilting.

“Well, I’m not.” She told him. “I am enlightened, actually. A lot of things make more sense now. So, I’ve made my decision.” Her voice grew more authoritative as she spoke. “Effective immediately, you’re fired.”

He gaped. Blinked at her. Gaped some more.

She tilted her head thoughtfully. “Or maybe it is better to say that I’m letting you go.”

“What?” He squeaked.

“I’m no longer in need of your services.”

His thoughts had been replaced at some point by the background hiss of a cassette tape. No attempts to rewind the conversation seemed to offer any explanation for how things had gone in this direction. “I’m _fired!?_ ”

She stood and took a step closer, adjusting her grip so that his hands were sandwiched between hers. She patted his knuckles soothingly. “Steven, I’m starting to realize that I was taking your help for granted. We have other options now, and it sounds like you could use a break.”

“But I…” He’d expected some sort of consequence, a punishment maybe, or a loss of trust and respect at least. The loss of his human friends, even. Or so he’d feared whenever his anxiety got the better of him. He hadn’t expected to lose his _job_. He hadn’t known he had one, always seeing it as more of a duty. But as soon as he’d been informed of his apparent employment, he was summarily informed of his unemployment.

He couldn’t decide if he should be upset about it or not. Nanefua was acting like she was doing it for his sake, not the city’s. It felt so backwards that he couldn’t tell if he was relieved or guilty. He couldn’t be the one to protect them anymore, obviously, but wasn’t that because they might need to be protected from him? If it was just to give him a break, then did he really deserve that?

It wasn’t like he _wanted_ her to reject him, he just felt like they’d taken a wrong turn at some point, and he wasn’t sure if they’d made it to the right destination or not. The emotional dissonance was dizzying.

“… Don’t you think I’m dangerous?” He asked, looking down at his knees again. When had it gotten so hard for him to maintain eye contact?

Nanefua crouched in front of him, peering up at his face with care that felt unearned. “If I put a knife in a child’s hand, is he dangerous? Or has he just found himself in a dangerous situation? And if he hurts someone, who is to blame? Him for using the knife, or me for giving it to him?”

“I… Don’t know.” He admitted.

Her smile was gentle. “There’s no easy answer, of course, these questions are rhetorical by nature. But I think that putting you in the position to become dangerous would be bad for you as much as it would be bad for the city, and you don’t deserve that. You are just as important to me as any other citizen. I’ll confess, I even like you more than most.” She reached back to grab her glasses from the table and slid them back onto her nose. The light reflected off of them, making her eyes look like they were twinkling. “You are one of us too, Steven, no matter what happens.”

 _Oh._ He thought. He clutched her hands tightly, trying to convey his gratitude through touch when words failed him. “… Thank you.” He managed to say when he could finally open his mouth without blubbering.

Satisfied with that response, she stood, briefly lamenting her old knees with good humour. “Now, if there’s anything else you wish to talk about, then you’ll just have to wait for my next visit.” Her voice turned sly. “It’s time for me to go, so you can enjoy the start of your second retirement.”

He chuckled, rubbing at his eyes. “I can’t believe you fired me.”

“Consider it a layoff.” She winked at him. “You’ll get a check in the mail.”

He froze as she stepped away, letting his hands drop. “Wait, what?”

The Rubies moved in silently to flank her when she approached the exit. They nodded at Steven respectfully like they always had, following the mayor as she continued her path to the door without sparing him a second glance.

“Nanefua?” He called. “You were just joking, right? You’re not actually going to pay me, are you?”

The only response he got was a jaunty wave as the door clicked shut behind her.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

His physical health continued to improve throughout the day. It wasn’t instant like his healing usually was, but that was likely due to the nature of the cause. Still, he’d gone through more than enough for his emotional exhaustion to be at an all-time high, so after everything that had happened, he wasn’t looking forward to saying goodbye to the diamonds.

Not that he wanted to keep them around on earth for much longer. They had… Strong personalities, to put it mildly. And while they’d been keeping a polite distance so far during his crisis, that couldn’t continue indefinitely. He was sure they didn’t want to stick around for too long either; they weren’t super fond of earth themselves.

But dealing with them, which was hard enough on its own, also meant dealing with _her_.

White.

He’d had plenty of trouble before when all he had to worry about was the stuff from two years ago, but now that she’d helped to save him, everything felt so… Complicated. There was a jumble of contradicting feeling inside his head, and he wasn’t looking forward to trying to figure them out. But the Diamonds couldn’t stick around forever. Either he went to them, or they’d come to him, eventually. He’d prefer to do it on his own terms. So, once he was able to stand up and shuffle across the living room without falling over, he announced that he was going to go visit them.

And then he was promptly pushed back onto the couch by Amethyst as she shook her head and told him she’d call them over instead. He probably should have seen that coming.

The gems at least let him move out to the deck, where he got to sit in one of the deck chairs. Knowing now how his gem drew power, he couldn’t help but tilt his head up to catch the sun, letting it warm his face. He wasn’t sure if he absorbed it through his skin or directly through his gem, but it felt nice either way. Below them, the water drifted across the sand in gentle waves. The calls of birds echoed against the rocks like a chorus.

The location provided a good view of the diamond ship as everyone found a place to sit or stand around Steven, and they all turned their heads to watch it in the distance. He didn’t have to wait long before three large figures exited the structure, making their way towards the house.

Blue and Yellow were in the lead, with White trailing behind, a different arrangement from their usual formation. Blue had her excitement written across her face as she approached, and she was smiling when she arrived, crouching a bit to peer at him over the railing. “Steven! I’m so glad you’re doing better!”

“Yes.” Yellow agreed, as brusque as ever. “You gave us all quite a scare.”

White kept silent behind them. She was smiling too, but she didn’t try to butt in like she usually would when she felt like she was being ignored or left out, which was generally five minutes into any conversation. Still, she seemed relieved to see his improved condition.

He couldn’t say that he hated the diamonds. Maybe that was petty of him, to be able to say it about someone as harmless as Kevin yet not about the gems who’d once tried to destroy him and everything he ever cared about, but they were just too entwined with his life for him to feel something so… One dimensional.

He gave them a sheepish wave. “Hey guys. Um, I know you wanted to see me. Sorry you had to wait so long.”

Blue made a dismissive gesture. “Oh, it’s no trouble! We don’t mind waiting. After all, it’s…” She paused, looking guilty as her posture drooped. “… The least we could do.”

Yellow grimaced beside her. “And it’s a good thing we stayed too. Who knows what might have happened?”

He probably would have died. That wasn’t really something he wanted to think about right now. “Still, thanks for being patient with me. And I’m also sorry for running off like I did before.”

“Honestly, Steven.” Yellow sighed, waving a hand. “Stop apologizing. It all worked out in the end, for the most part. Now’s the time for you to focus on your health first and foremost.”

Blue regained her smile. “And if there’s ever anything you need, please let us know!”

This was precisely why it was a challenge to figure out how he felt about the Diamonds. They were so _nice_ to him now, and he knew that was because they felt guilty and he was one of the few things they had left from his mom, but it made him feel bad whenever a dark thought crossed his mind about Blue kidnapping his dad, or Yellow ordering for the earth’s destruction, or White…

It was just… Hard to hate them, even if he resented them sometimes. And maybe he was hypocritical as well as petty because he didn’t seem to have as much trouble with most of the other gems who’d tried to hurt him, like Peridot, or Lapis, or Bismuth. But they’d never sought to harm him or the earth with malicious intent. It had always been because they were doing what they thought was right, or they were desperate, or because they weren’t thinking straight in the heat of the moment. Sometimes all three. The diamonds had simply wanted to destroy something to make themselves feel better.

And he… Well, Steven had proven himself a diamond in that respect too, hadn’t he? Even if he hadn’t gone through with it. He knew what it could be like to feel so cold and so cruel. They were getting better, slowly. They were trying. But it was hard to reconcile that when the only reason they’d been willing to change in the first place was because of his relation to his mother, even if they cared about him now. There was always that thought in the back of his mind, of ‘what if?’ What if something happened to him, and they went right back to what they were like before? Or worse, what if something made _him_ like that, and he became willing to act on his darkest thoughts? If anything ever happened to his dad, or Connie, or the gems… Could he lose himself to grief like that too? Maybe that was the real reason why he felt so conflicted about the diamonds. He saw in them a terrifying possibility for who he could become.

How could Steven condemn them without also condemning himself?

Around and around, his thoughts went. A carousel inside his head that never seemed to stop. It was starting to give him a headache.

“… Steven?”

He jumped, realizing he’d been staring off into space for several seconds of silence. He needed to stop doing that. “Sorry. Yeah, I’ll- I’ll let you know.” He fidgeted with the edge of the table before clearing his throat. “Um, before you leave, can I talk to White alone for a moment?”

Blue and Yellow shared a look, then Blue nodded in agreement. “Of course. Until next time then. It was very nice seeing you, Steven.”

He waved as they left, feeling a little less overwhelmed once they were gone. When he turned to the others, he could see the reluctance in their faces. They knew what he was going to ask next. “Completely alone, please?”

“You sure you don’t want some backup?” Amethyst asked, leaning closer to him from across the table.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” He shrugged. “I just want some privacy.” He hadn’t had a lot of that recently and likely wouldn’t for a while either. He didn’t blame the others since he was pretty used to it after years spent sleeping without a wall, but still, he needed space sometimes. He especially needed it for stuff like this.

The gems dragged their feet about it, but Connie helped herd them back into the house, going as far as to push Amethyst along on her heels as the purple gem made her resistance extra clear.

Once everyone had gone inside, Connie poked her head back out. “Call us when you’re done, or if anything comes up.” She told him.

Then with one last lingering look, she closed the door, leaving him alone with White Diamond.

White had remained silent through the entire exchange, her arms kept folded and her face neutrally pleasant. He could tell that she was uncomfortable, but he had no idea what she was thinking beyond that. He let out a breath. “I wanted to thank you for saving me.”

She made a regal gesture of dismissal. “Well, you saved yourself as much as I did. And like Blue said, it was… The least I could do.”

“The least you could do was nothing.” He corrected. “And I wouldn’t have been able to do anything without your help. So, thank you.”

“… Then I suppose you’re welcome.” She usually enjoyed being thanked for stuff, or any type of praise, really, but this time she just looked uneasy.

He could sense some sort of tension in the air, and it made his hands clammy as his pulse quickened. His heart was getting a lot of exercise lately. He tried to resist the urge to stare at his knees again like he had with the mayor. “And I uh, I wanted to apologize, too. For what happened on Homeworld.”

White shut her eyes. “Please, you don’t have to-”

“I- I’m pretty sure you know what I thought about doing back then. What… what I almost…” Steven bit his lip. He had _just_ shattered someone, and then he almost went and did it again.

“Steven, you have every right to be angry about what I did before.” White looked pained.

“I don’t have a right to just lash out like that!” He gripped the fabric of his pajama pants until his knuckles turned white. “You trusted me, gave me control, and I could have-”

“But you didn’t.” She cut him off, and her voice resonated with more authority than he’d heard from her in a long time. It sent a shiver down his spine. She must have noticed because her tone was softer when she continued. “You didn’t do anything to me. You were frightened, you got upset with yourself, and then you ran off. That’s all.” Her eyebrows drew together, and her gaze turned distant. “If we’d only had the same restraint in the past as you did, this whole thing could have been avoided in the first place.”

He rubbed his hands over his face, feeling exhausted beyond his years. “Just because you did something bad to me, that doesn’t mean it’s okay for _me_ to do something bad to you…”

“That’s my _point,_ Steven.” Indignance crept into her tone, making her sound more like her usual present-day self. “You’re trying to apologize for something you _didn’t_ do. It’s ridiculous!”

He hunched, feeling a bit silly in the face of her exasperation. “Well, I still thought about it…” He muttered.

“So, thinking about something is wrong then?” She huffed. “I’ve already put up with so many new rules over the past few years, or ‘guidelines’ as you like to call them. Must I police my mind now as well?”

“What-?” He sputtered. “No!”

“Then what is the problem?”

Steven faltered, mouth opening and closing. “… Nothing. I guess- I guess you’re right…” He slumped and let out a sigh. “… Maybe it doesn’t make sense but… I still feel bad. For a lot of things, even when people keep telling me I shouldn’t.”

White adjusted her sleeves, brushing invisible dust from the hems. “Well, you’re always going on about the virtues of democracy. If everyone is saying the same thing, perhaps you should defer to the popular vote.”

As was par for the course with the diamonds, he didn’t know how to feel about that. But maybe that was okay. He didn’t need to know, not right now at least. “… Okay. I… I’ll try.”

“Good.” She sniffed. “Glad that’s settled.”

Saying it was ‘settled’ was debatable, but he was more than willing to let the matter drop.

When the silence lingered, their usual struggle to communicate reasserting itself once they didn’t have anything specific to discuss, he searched for something to change the subject before the conversation got even more awkward than it already was. “So, uh, where’s Spinel, by the way? I didn’t see her anywhere.”

For some reason, White’s response was a look of embarrassment. “Ah, about that. I wasn’t sure whether to say anything…”

As she spoke, a pink arm slithered out from beneath her cape and waved sheepishly.

Spinel extracted herself from her hiding spot and crawled up to stand on White’s shoulder, pigtails drooping as she poked her index fingers together. “I, uh, was gonna pop out and surprise you, but then you wanted to see White alone and… I couldn’t figure out the right time to say anything…”

So, she’d heard everything then. Steven ducked his head, cheeks burning.

“Um, I get it now, though!” She assured him. “Why you asked me that stuff before. I had no idea you had those sorts of thoughts too!” She had a smile on her face, like the revelation was a good thing in her eyes, even though Steven just wanted to crawl under the table and disappear.

“It’s fine Spinel.” He mumbled. “You were right. I _should_ take my own advice.”

She wagged a finger. “Nuh-uh, that’s not what I said. I was telling you what helped me, not saying it would help you.”

“… I guess.” He replied, unsure where this was going.

“If I knew why you were asking before, I guess what I woulda said instead is that I do still think about stuff like that sometimes, technically, but I don’t actually want to _do_ any of it now, so it’s not the same as it was before. I mean, just because you think about bad stuff, it doesn’t mean that you’re bad, right?” Spinel scuffed a heel against the puffy fabric of White’s shoulder pads. “And even back when I actually did the bad stuff, you still wanted to help me anyway. So, if you ever got to that point, I’d want to help you too, like you did for me.”

Steven regretted that he hadn’t grown as close to Spinel as he had with other gems, though part of that was her own desire to start anew with the Diamonds. The other part was that his experience with her had been more like the Diamonds than he was necessarily comfortable with, and that meant he had to deal with a lot of the same complicated feelings. But he was touched by her willingness to support him, no matter their history. “Thanks, Spinel. I’ll make sure to remember that.” He managed a weak smile.

“Awh, it’s nothing.” She rubbed the back of her head. “I was actually gonna say sorry again for what I did before, but that might be a bit repetitive by this point.”

“Just a bit.” He replied, suppressing a chuckle. “I won’t apologize anymore if you won’t.”

Her pigtails perked up as she nodded decisively. “It’s a deal!” A gloved hand stretched down to him, and he shook it with as much authority as he could muster without feeling ridiculous.

“For what it’s worth,” White interjected, her voice a curious mix between imperious and subdued, “I share Spinel’s sentiment. We all do. And it’s not…” She paused. Her eyes were wistful as she transferred Spinel to her arms. “… It’s not just because of your relation to Pink. I feel we may have been overstating that particular aspect as of late. I’m sure you have many other resources that you could rely on before ever turning to us, but we will always be willing to help you in whatever way we can.”

“I… Thanks.” He doubted he would ever fully come to terms with everything between him and White, or the Diamonds in general, but he could appreciate that they were trying. Their ability to do better, and be better, didn’t depend on his feelings towards them. In a way, that was comforting.

White hummed approvingly before smoothing out her expression until it was carefully pleasant once more. He was getting the impression that she donned that look whenever she felt extra emotional and wanted to keep up appearances. “Well, I’ve been informed that you require rest, so I won’t keep you any longer. If you ever need further assistance, feel free to call.”

“I will.” He agreed, though he hoped he wouldn’t need to any time soon, if ever. “Say hi to everyone on Homeworld for me.”

She nodded indulgently, then turned away. Spinel called out one last chipper farewell as they left, and Steven followed their progress with his eyes until they’d vanished into the ship. Finally, with a deep hum that was strong enough to vibrate his teeth, the diamond ship took off, rising high into the atmosphere. The air around it twisted as it corkscrewed any light passing by its hull, then it vanished into warp speed with a twinkle of light, leaving nothing behind except an afterimage burned into his vision.

He stared at the sky where the ship had last been, allowing himself a moment of pensive thought. His friends and family were probably watching him through the window, but he didn’t call them yet. He felt… A bit better, despite his previous misgivings. He was still raw. Heck, it was worse now, as if his guts had been turned inside-out and scraped clean with a wire brush. But it was the kind of raw that felt necessary, like for all the pain he’d gone through, it was still good to air everything out. It left him sensitive and stinging, but maybe he had cleaned out some of the festering material stuck in those previously hidden crevices.

It was kind of a gross metaphor, but a nicer one wouldn't work quite as well.

Steven wasn’t sure how much time had passed before the door clicked open behind him, but the light had already shifted closer to the afternoon. He’d been too busy watching the waves on the shore, his chin resting on his arms, to notice, needing some time to just… Stop thinking for a little while.

He could hear footsteps approaching on the deck, and his dad took a hesitant seat in the chair to his right.

“How’d it go?” Greg’s voice was quiet, like he’d walked in on someone trying to sleep or something. He usually took that tone when he was worried that Steven was crying, which was a fair concern considering everything that had been going on with him lately. Maybe he should have done more crying since he usually had less trouble talking about stuff once the waterworks started. “Figured if we all came out at once, you’d feel a bit overwhelmed. I can go back inside if you want some more time to yourself.”

Steven shrugged a shoulder, giving his dad a brief smile to show that he was still doing okay, all things considered. Though he was glad about not being swarmed immediately. “It wasn’t too bad, just tiring, I guess.” Everything was tiring lately, but that was to be expected. “I wouldn’t mind some company.”

“That’s good, as long as you’re not pushing yourself too hard.” Greg shuffled his chair in closer to the table now that he had permission to stay. He laced his fingers together in front of him as he looked out onto the beach. “Nice weather, huh?”

“Yeah.” Steven let himself take in the sun for a moment at the reminder.

“I was thinking of getting some ice cream, or wait, can you eat dairy? Maybe some shaved ice would be better…”

He raised an eyebrow. “Vegetarians can have dairy, but I’m fine with either.”

“Right, I tried looking that stuff up online, but some of the names were a bit confusing.” Greg scratched at his beard, wincing. “There was a lot about gluten. I should have paid more attention back when I used to hang out with hippies. Don’t tell your uncle I said that.”

“Dad, I don’t have celiac disease.” Steven giggled. “I just don’t eat meat.”

“Hey, blame the internet for that suggestion.”

“You can’t blame the internet for everything.”

“I can if you stop calling me out on it!”

They dissolved into a bout of laughter, enjoying the familiar humour that had felt so hard to give in to lately. It was nice to just sit together and talk for a bit. Part of what had made it so difficult before was everything that had been left to linger in the air. There were so many problems and unsaid regrets. The elephant in the room had become a herd, following Steven wherever he went until there was too much to unpack without getting trampled. The last time he’d tried to talk to his dad, things had gone spectacularly wrong, so it was a relief to be able to go back to having this sort of silly, unimportant conversation.

Which was why he felt bad about having to ruin it. He could see his dad struggling to stay casual. It was clear that something was on the older man’s mind, and the last thing Steven wanted right now was more elephants. So, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. “Dad is there… Something you wanted to talk about?” He rubbed one of his scars absently. Dr. Maheswaran had mentioned that the puce colour was typical when they were new, and it would likely change or fade with age.

His dad cringed, then let out an apologetic chuckle and scratched at his beard. “Am I that obvious? I just figure, now’s probably a bad time and all. It can wait.”

He sighed. “Honestly, I’d rather get it all over with now. I don’t want something else to feel anxious about later.” Sometimes it felt like waiting was half the battle.

“It’s not…” Greg faltered. “Well, I guess I can’t say it’s not a big deal, but I don’t want to dump too much on you all at once, and it’s not like it’s time-sensitive or anything.”

“Dad.”

He held up his hands. “Okay, alright. But don’t say I didn’t warn ya.”

“Consider me warned.” Steven pressed a hand solemnly to his chest. “I waive my rights to be grumpy about or get mad at you for whatever you’re about to say.”

His dad pointed a stern finger at him. “I’ll hold you to that. Though we can stop at any time if you need to, okay?”

“Got it.”

“Okay.” Greg sat back and blew out a breath. “So, I’ve been talking a bit with Priyanka about what happened. What you’ve been dealing with lately, among other things.”

Right. It was only natural to discuss things like that. How could they not? They’d hardly had a chance to speak with Steven about anything one on one since he’d spent half his time sleeping the past few days, and when he’d been awake, he was constantly on the edge of freaking out. They would have needed to talk about it without him.

His dad continued. “And I’ve come to realize that this hasn’t actually been ‘lately,’ not for you at least, it’s just that I only found out about it lately.” He gave Steven a sad look. “It’s been going on for a long time, and I didn’t notice because I wasn’t paying enough attention ‘til now.”

“No, dad.” Steven reached out to grip his dad’s arm. “None of this is your fault.”

“I still feel like I could have helped if I’d known sooner.” Greg covered Steven’s hand with his own. His expression was wistful. “But I get that dwelling on that isn’t going to do me any good, I’m just letting you know that I’m here now. I want you to include me in everything from this point onward, even crazy gem stuff. You don’t have to shelter me from your life just because I was a bit sensitive before. It wasn’t fair for me to ignore that part of you for so long.”

Steven swallowed, nodding to show he understood.

“But the main thing Priyanka and I’ve been talking about is, well, really Priyanka suggested it, and I’ve come to agree with her…” His dad peered at him as if gauging how he was going to react. “We… think you should consider seeing a therapist.”

He blinked. “Oh.”

“Oh…?” His dad prompted.

“… Huh.”

Greg shifted uneasily. “You gotta give me more than that, bud.”

“I…” Steven ran his other hand through his hair, letting out a long breath. “Is it weird that I’ve never really thought about it before?”

His dad huffed in amusement. “I can’t say I expected that, but I’ve lost all sense of what counts as weird these days, so who knows.”

A grin tugged briefly at Steven’s lips before he turned thoughtful again. “I guess… That stuff always seemed like a human thing. But my issues are so…” He gestured vaguely. “Out of this world.” His fingers picked at a dent in the table as he looked down at his nails. They were blunt now, but a hint of unnatural colour remained in the cuticles. “I haven’t felt human for a long time, so I didn’t really think things like that applied to me anymore. How would I even start to explain everything about my mom, or the diamonds, or anything gem related? That’s basically my whole life.”

Greg perked up at that. “Actually, that’s one of the things we’ve been figuring out! Priyanka said she’s been collaborating with people in her field about the whole gem thing since they’ve started living on earth. I think she’s trying to create a whole new category of science or something based on studying gemkind.” He waved a hand. “Anyway, she mentioned some mental health docs she can recommend who already know about that stuff.”

Steven chewed on the inside of his cheek as he mulled over that information, trying not to let his usual misgivings about opening up cloud his judgement. “That would make things easier, I guess.” He replied.

His dad leaned over to give him a gentle nudge. “Hey, try looking at it this way: gems have been living on earth for a really long time, right? Seems to me like they’re not as alien as you think.”

He… Hadn’t thought of it like that. He glanced up, feeling self-conscious. “Do _you_ want me to see someone?” He wasn’t sure if he was looking for encouragement or an excuse to be reluctant.

Greg studied him seriously. “… Yeah. Yeah, I do. I’m not about to force you if you really don’t want to go, but… I want you to try, if you’re willing.” He pushed his chair closer until they were side by side and wrapped a comforting arm around Steven’s shoulders. “We all want to help you as much as we can, but we don’t always get things right all the time. I’d feel better if you had someone who knows what they’re doing on your team so we can figure out the right way to do this together.”

… It felt like such an abstract concept, something Steven only saw in tv shows or cartoons. A funny-looking couch next to a person holding a clipboard, asking him probing questions about childhood insecurities. Now that he was considering it, it frightened him a bit. If he already felt so exposed now, he could only imagine how he’d feel after a few months of offering himself up to someone else. But, at the same time, the thought of having somebody he could talk to who was trained to deal with that sort of thing was oddly enticing. He always felt guilty unloading anything onto others. He knew what it was like, to be strangled by the wealth of everyone else’s problems. And recently, it felt like every new issue was another rope getting looped around his neck, though he knew that was just his imagination getting the better of him. But a therapist was _supposed_ to deal with that sort of thing. They had tools and resources, and they got paid for their services. They were prepared to work with people like him. But it still wouldn’t be easy to face his problems head-on. That part of him had been hidden for so long, too long. He didn’t know if he would be able to learn a new way of dealing with everything.

Still, nothing else Steven tried had worked so far. For all he knew, it could be precisely what he needed. And he needed to get better, right? No, he… He _wanted_ to get better.

He leaned into his dad, trying to let some of his worry drain away in the presence of someone he trusted. “Okay…” He said, his voice quiet against the hush of the ocean waves. “I’ll try.”

The grip around him tightened, and there was a slight tremble to his father’s touch. “Thanks, Schtu-ball.” Greg’s voice was thick. “I’m really proud of you, you know that, right? And I mean every part of you. Gem or human, good or bad.”

Back during the road trip, after the crash, that pride had stung, like an old wound flaring up in the cold. But now, with a clearer head, it was easier to let the words wash over him and warm him. His dad wasn’t ignoring or praising his mistakes. That pride was an acceptance of who he was and whoever he might be in the future. It had just been… Timed badly before.

“I’m sorry about crashing the van.” He mumbled, squeezing in one last apology for the day, even though he knew he shouldn’t.

Greg heaved a rueful sigh. “Yeah, well, I’m sorry for not listening to you and making it all about me.” He replied. “Looking back, I was being pretty dense. It’s a bit late now, but I can still ground you for a week or something if it’ll make you feel better. How’s that sound?”

Steven snorted. “Actually, yeah, it’d give me an excuse to not go anywhere for a while.”

“Well then, effective immediately, you’re grounded.” His dad announced, and they devolved into a fit of giggles.

Grounded and fired, in the same day. What an eventful week Steven was having. He rested his head on his father’s shoulder. “Hey, dad?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.” He whispered, and he couldn’t help but sniffle as he said it. Of course, _now_ was when he was going to cry, after it was all over.

“Thanks bud.” Greg’s voice was soft as he replied. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of Steven’s head. “I love you too.”

After some time spent resting together in comfortable silence, Greg signalled that their talk was finished, and the others started trailing out of the house to join them. Nobody asked what they’d been discussing this whole time or what Steven had said to White. Everyone just made themselves comfortable somewhere on the deck once more, striking up conversations and just enjoying the company. Only Priyanka stayed behind to lean in the doorway, sipping at a cup of something warm as she exchanged a knowing nod with Steven’s dad.

After so long spent cooped up, no one was in a rush to go back inside, least of all Steven. So, Amethyst decided to bring out another party game, this time grabbing one that involved dice rather than cards. She managed to rope Peridot, Connie, and Lapis into it, but Steven declined. He preferred to watch them play together, chuckling when Peridot started arguing about the odds of Amethyst rolling a Yahtzee three times in a row during the first 15 minutes. Nobody had the heart to tell her that Amethyst was cheating.

He thought about joining in occasionally, but in the end, he just sat back and enjoyed the moment, taking in the sun, the salt, and the voices of his friends and family. There was still a wealth of destruction along the beach that hadn’t been cleaned up yet, and it hurt to look at, but he tried to look past that and focus on the shining surf. His problems hadn’t magically been solved, and he still had a lot to deal with in the coming months, of course. But this… This could be a start.

His dad carded a hand through his hair. “You can go back inside to sleep some more, you know. If you’re getting tired.”

He’d sunk down in his chair, his eyes drooping. “I’m okay.” He mumbled. They were well into the afternoon, but it wasn’t late enough for him to retreat to his bed yet.

Amethyst let out a whoop of victory, jumping up onto the table to do a touchdown dance while Peridot ripped up the score sheet in a fit of rage. Connie was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes. One of the dice bounced off Steven’s chest and rolled under the table.

He still wasn’t ready for the future, not yet, but it didn’t feel quite as daunting now as it had a few days ago. His friends weren’t grains of sand trickling through an hourglass; he had time.

Greg gave the antics an amused look. “You sure? It’s getting a bit rowdy out here.”

“Yeah.” Steven let his eyelids drift shut. “I’m just gonna stick around for a little while longer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this wouldn't take long to finish but I was wrong lol. The beginning of the semester slowed me down, and I decided that fitting like 8 people into one image was a good idea somehow. But it is finally finished! Thank you to everyone who's read and commented, I greatly appreciate every one of you.
> 
> \---
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> Art by me! If you'd like, you can check out more of my stuff here: http://infriga.tumblr.com/tagged/fanart
> 
> Comments are greatly loved and appreciated! I read every single one, usually multiple times haha. If I don't reply it's usually because I'm shy and I don't know what to say, but I'm grateful for every single one!


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